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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 54
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Does this hook make you absolutely have to know what will happen next...?
The hilarious and heart-wrenching story of a mentally ill girl who falls in love with a sociopath…
Thanks
Annabelle
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Joined: 3/11/2011
Posts: 29
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It's good, but I think you can punch it up to make it great.
What's the girl's illness? You could do something like *(example)* "A schizophrenic falls in love with a sociopath. What could possibly go wrong?"
Think about more of the events passed the "falls in love" ... what happens that's hilarious/heart-wrenching?
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 54
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OK, now my hook rocks
When a girl with obsessive compulsive disorder falls in love with a sociopath, she finds herself fighting, not only for her sanity, but for her life.
Does this grab ya??
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Joined: 5/5/2011
Posts: 23
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Annabelle, I love the concept! I think it could be even hookier. (What? it's a word.) Can you bring something more specific to the end of the line - fighting for her sanity and her life reads a little vague to me. I know this critique is likewise a bit vague, so I hope you find it helpful.
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Joined: 2/27/2011
Posts: 353
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The word "Hilarious" and "heartwrenching" are instant turn-offs to most agents and editors. We just want the plot. Tell us enough to keep us interested.
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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I think I'm going to one up Nefasti on 'vague', but here goes.
I like the story idea I'm hearing behind your concept, although hearing more details actually made me like it a little less. I think the attempt at hooking is turning me off the story, as it were.
Heh. That makes it sound like I'm saying 'look, I'll pay, just don't mention the price or the fact that there is one again', but still...
You mentioned funny and romantic, but the current hook makes it sound like a psychological thriller, maybe with some action thrown in. That can be fun. I just finished Hide and Seek by Patterson, and liked it. Thing is, the idea of a psycho thriller presented as and wrapped up in the tropes of a romantic comedy just has some serious mojo.
So... If you don't have a lot of humor or romance, keep it as is. If you *do* have solid comedic and romantic elements, I'd say make sure they show up somehow. "What's the worst that could happen?" actually made me smile, but I'm not sure if it's agent / editor bane, the way 'hilarious' and 'heartwarming' are.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 54
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@ Colleen, thanks for your input,, i have removed hilarious and heartwrenching.
@ Nefasti, i will certainly have a rethink about the end of the line. Thanks for your input.
@ Robert, your comment made me laugh. Yes it is written in a comedic voice, and it is about a sociopath and a crazy woman. Hmm ok, how to convey that in a comedic tone whilst remaining accurate. I toyed with 'whats the worst that could happen?' but that too seemed a little vague.
Thanks peeps for your advice, i need to have a good rethink
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