Hello Michael,

     Let me begin by saying that I’ve only gotten through a few pages of your book.  But after reading the synopsis you supplied for Elizabeth (above), I must say that your plotting and writing style are congruous – both dense and intricate.  Please take that as description, not criticism – we all have our preferred styles.  The problem may be that you are just trying to put too much into everything.  Some of the sentences I read had more information packed into them than gold coins in a miser’s purse, a style that some will love, and will cause others to put your novel down after a few pages.  Truthfully, some people love Henry James, but I, unfortunately, tend to forget what his page-long sentences are about by the time I get to the end of them.  Short attention span I guess. But in light of this thread, let me offer not a suggestion – I haven’t read enough to honestly do that – but an idea to play with.  Why not break your book into separate books, a series, with a grand concluding novel?  I realize that this may be presumptuous on my part, it’s just an idea.  I was thinking of something along the lines of Tolkien’s approach to his trilogy, which is, after all, really a single novel.  That would make each easier to classify, and might allow you to develop a readership eagerly awaiting the next clue to the overall puzzle.

    Well, like I said, just a thought.  I won’t post a review until I feel I’ve gotten far enough along to really understand the book, and my schedule is a bit tight right now, so it will probably be a few weeks.  Until then, good luck with the novel.   

Hello Michael,

      153K words?  The general sense I’ve gotten is that publishers expect, or desire (demand?), about 100K.  I know, however, how you feel.  The complete Agony of the Gods is 180K words.  I sent it to one publisher and had a rejection letter before I got home. I assume they simply looked at the size of the envelope and then the word count listed in the upper right hand corner of page 1 and tossed it.  Unfortunately for me, my plot is not as intricate as yours seems to be.  The book is about 2/3 the Enforcer and Apprentice investigating and 1/3 murders of Originals.  I’ve had a few friends read it and they can’t identify places to cut.  So right now I’m working on short stories (2 are posted on BC, and 1 entered in a short story contest on Bookkus) in the hope that if I can get a few published, that might help me find an agent who can peddle Agony to a publisher for me. 

     As far as sentence structure is concerned, you need to go with what you are comfortable with, but I’d suggest you break them up a bit.  When I started writing Agony I was paranoid about not describing things carefully enough so I included dimensions (e.g., the room was 12 by 14 meters).  One friend put it well: “You should leave some things to the reader’s imagination!”  Now most of that is gone (I guess I should mention that the novel is in its 6th draft).  In your case, if you burden the reader with too much detail they get tired quickly.  Let your writing flow, not plod under a burden of too much description.  Here’s an example (please note that I’m writing this a day after I started reading your novel and this is what sticks with me): “Rao, barely sixteen, but after a youth spent in the slums of Delli where he was often beaten and abused by older boys and men until he escaped to Afghanistan where he was adopted by a battalion of British soldiers and learned English looked much older, toiled up the hill carrying the heavy pack with the instruments, some of which would be used to sound for hidden caves and tunnels while others would extract minute samples of the dyes used in the cave paintings for analysis back in the lab, until he tripped and fell due to exhaustion.”  Now that’s obviously an exaggeration, but it’s kind of how some of your sentences struck me.   If you make it: “Rao, barely sixteen but looking much older,  toiled up the hill carrying the heavy instrument pack  until he tripped and fell due to exhaustion.”  You have a sentence that flows much better, and you can drop the other info in later, in other ways. 

       Hope I’m not being too forward with that, but I’ve found that I sometimes have to have someone point things out before I see them.

Hello Michael,

      So what is it?  Well, before I venture a guess, let me make a few points.  First, I suggest that you go with the broadest possible label.  When I first posted Agony of the Gods I struggled with where to put it on the Genre Map, finally decided Dystopian SciFi.  I think that doing that really limited the potential readership, so I eventually moved it to Soft SciFi which I think is a more general listing, and did get a few more readers.  Sometimes to try to put your work in a very exact pigeonhole can be counterproductive.       

     My other thought is that if you are trying to pitch the novel to a publisher you definitely do not want to go into too much detail in your synopsis – your summaries also suffer from detail overload, and could just confuse an editor.  From what I’m told you get about 15 whole seconds of their time so you don’t want to misuse it.  You might try looking for keywords to replace some of your more involved description.

      I would guess that at least as far as the BC Genre Map is concerned you’re probably somewhere between Paranormal Mystery and Supernatural Thriller.  Of course you could call it a Supernatural Mystery Political Thriller, but that gives the reader that you yourself are confused about it.  I don’t think you want to do that, so my advise – go simple, choose either Paranormal Mystery or Supernatural Thriller.

P.S. I’ll be interested to see what you think of Agony once you get to the parts where the two MCs start meeting Originals.

Hello Michael,

    Just finished chapter one.  Not sure how many ms pages it comes out too, but you really make your reader work!  You have an intense interest in detail that may work for some readers, but will probably make it difficult for you to get past the slush pile if you submit to a publisher.  You need to learn to add detail a bit at a time so that it doesn’t kill the flow of the story.  I’ll be blunt, the first chapter reads like dramatis personae synopsis pages.  You can’t stop the flow of the story for long disquisitions into character back ground.  As an example, Benton.  All you need to say at this point is that Benton is McKenzie’s sugar daddy.  You don’t need to give us three paragraphs of information about him, nor do you need to give us detail about McKenzie’s finances.  You have an entire book to spread this out across - use it.  Also, don’t go into such minute detail regarding equipment – a Honda generator, or a something or other ¾ inch electric rock drill (rock drill is sufficient).  And Honda? Unless you’re already planning product placement for the movie this really isn’t necessary.  Also, as far as the cave-in section – they seem to have a lot of equipment and material for a 6 person quick- in operation that had problems getting some of their stuff through customs (kind of like movies where the hero’s gun seems to have an unlimited bullet clip).  As I read it I kept wondering which mining movie (U.S. western or British(?) coal) you had modeled this on.  And BTW, to you really think someone can jiggle or worry a half ton rock?  I’ve worked in this stuff and I would say not.  Speaking of that, it might not matter for the average reader, but get the rock right.  Schist and limestone?  Schist and marble sure, but not limestone.  Also, most caverns are in limestone terrains, so unless you are really familiar with the area of your story, read up on caverns a bit.

    I guess the main problem I see is simple.  My 2nd chapter in Agony has a lot of info dump; but you have a writing style that loves to dump info.  Back off a bit.  Think of this like a television show.  A slow drip over time of character info works better than a quick tsunami.  One works while the other flushes the reader right out of your story.

   Hope that helps.  I’ll get to chapter 2 in a few days.

Tom

Hello Michael,

    Just a quick note.

    First, I posted a comment about some of your thoughts under John’s review of A Final day in Central Park. 

    Second, with The Desolate, I would suggest that you quicken up the opening.  Maybe have it start with one of your characters crawling through one of those tight cavern tunnels.  If it’s McKenzie it can be a brief dream of him getting stuck, or maybe finding something (that might be better), and then he wakes and you are at the current beginning of the chapter.  One of the things that worried me was the length of time you took to really have something happen.  I think we both know that that should not be a problem, but modern readers and editors have attention deficit disorder.  Also, I’ll take a look at the geology of the Zagros Mountains in a day or two and get back to you.

    Finally,  Agony.  I’m trying to make the characters sympathetic, but also not perfect and true to their life experience.  I won’t say more than that.  Also, that comment puts you at chapter 8.  The next chapters are (from my point of view) when things really start to get interesting.

Cheers,

Tom

Hi Mike,

Finished 2nd read of Chapter 2.  Here are my thoughts.  Hope they help.

5%-6% I don’t get conversation about Gregg – he was excited over a possible (very important) find. When on verge of discovery holding back is very difficult to do, especially for a young person.

6% He’s in a cave, in the dark, and estimates a tunnel if 400 meters long? How? Headlamp light might allow him to see about 10 meters, if that.  Or is he just guessing that it’s 400 meters to the surface? I also wonder how the people who carved this got in if the passage ends? Also, I’d check as to wooden traces in limestone caves. It strikes me you may be mixing up mineshafts with caves. 

Don’t use “filming.” “Video recording” is more appropriate now.  Also, you’re not using film. So “capture everything on film” is better.

7% digital stills and film?  Why? If they are so crimped for space why would they carry two cameras, especially when one is obsolete?

7% McKenzie/Gregg conversation – people do not talk like this.  Since both are familiar with the material it should be more of a shorthand between them.  Consider the following conversation between the two of us:

Mike: “Hi, Tom.  My car is running rough. I believe it is the fuel injectors which feed gasoline into the cylinders that are the problem.”

Tom: “Yes, Mike.  When the fuel is injected it mixes with air and is then ignited by a spark from the spark plug. However, the combustion often leaves a carbon residue which builds up on the injector tip, and clogs the nozzle, restricting the gasoline flow, preventing the proper amount of gasoline from being injected.”

Mike: “Exacty, Tom. The result is the engine running rough, exactly as it is in my car!”

Tom:  “Mike, why the hell are we talking like this?”

Mike: “Beats me.”  J

7% Range Rover sounds pretty full. Wouldn’t it be better to have it hauling a trailer laden with….?

8% and on: The translation.  Okay, this is an info dump, but try to break it up a bit.  It all seems so matter-of-fact. I get the fact that this is being recorded very soon after the king had his dream, but why is that important? Is that unusual? Why is all this hidden in some cave?  Why not clay tablets? You need to give the reader a sense that this is unusual.  Even the revelation about the doctored symbol has no emotional punch.  McKenzie just keeps talking. Is he a bit embarrassed to admit this?  Is he smug?  He found the same symbol in the journal of one of Hitler’s cronies and tells Gregg as just another la-de-da fact? Nothing special here? In no sense do I feel any emotion, and then when he finishes you write: “Gregg had never seen McKenzie so animated.”  I don’t believe it because you’ve not shown it to me. All you did was have McKenzie talk.

Some of these are minor, some more important stylistic comments.  Of course you are the author, so you decide!  Hope this helps.  Will move on to Chapter 3. 

Printed out your comments on Agony, but have written new draft since stuff posted on BC, so will take a while for me to digest them.  One thing – “picture of Dorian” – just trying to give the sense that it’s something he read a very, very long time ago.

Cheers,

Tom

Hi Mike,

    Some more quick comments just so you know I haven’t forgotten about you (as we get closer to Christmas there seems to be less time to do anything!).

The Desolate:  Intended to finish Chapter 3 and review, but couldn’t put it down until I finished c6!  Real page turner!  I’m going to try to re-read tonight to point out places where you fall back into over description mode which slows pace (originally intended to do that, but was more interested in reading than writing).  Also, I think you tend to over describe fight scenes.  Too much description lags the sense of swift action you are trying to convey.  I’ll go through this in more detail next message, but you need to work on short, clipped, sentences for fights.  “He spun, arm blocking the descending cleaver.  Kicking out, felt bone crunch.  The madman groaned, fell to the ground.”   I know that’s awful, but I think you get the idea.  Also, kind of like McKenzie, Jenny seems to go into lecture mode when she’s speaking to Hassom in hospital.  This may be because she’s still in shock, but it made me wonder if you ever had any non-boring profs in college?  (Aside: my wife offered to buy me a t-shirt with the saying, “Professors are people who talk in other people’s sleep.”  So I do understand. J ).

Just jotting ideas now, will give specifics in next message.

Agony:  47% “…fractures and cracks….” This is based on experience.  I’ve climbed in areas like this.  The shale slope is like trying to run up the steep side of a sand dune – exhausting, and then you get to the limestone cliff, and it’s totally vertical – a wall.  If there were no fractures and cracks there’s no way, so I did intend for Him to decide to keep climbing on seeing the hand and footholds.  (Actually did this once, and when I got to the top and looked back at the drop-off decided that I must be crazy!)

48%  Again my geologist is showing.  I emphasize quartz pebble because they can be so blazingly white.  So knowing a bit about streams and geology, he’d assume that they were quartz pebbles.  Also has to do with characterization (I will say no more about that as I’ve mentioned earlier.)

51% “more withdrawn”  Spot on!  Thanks for that, I spend hours pouring over my thesaurus, yet these things still slip through.

Other stylistic comments:  Will get to them ASAP.  Just haven’t had time to dig out revised MS.

Apprentice: Softening?  Again, characterization, so as Gollum would say, “We shall see….”

So as I said, Mike, I’ll get back to you with the specifics, but overall really enjoying the Hassom section of book.

Cheers,

Tom

Hi Mike,

    Reread chapters 3 through 6.  This section really takes off, and I enjoyed reading it.  Here are some comments for you to consider.  Note that I did not note typo’s, etc.  It looks like you will need to do some revision, so I figured I’d leave that to you and try to concentrate on plot and more important writing problems.  Overall, though, a good story despite any comments below.

Chapter 3 In both of the following you run-on too long with a single sentence.

- first paragraph:  break up sentence 2 into 2 or 3 sentences.  It will help with flow.

- paragraph 3: again, break up into 2 sentences.  

Chapter 4: First you are discussing Hassom’s thoughts about the neighbors in paragraph 3, then you go into a digression about architecture, and then back to neighbors in paragraph 5 – combine paragraphs 3 and 5, then describe architecture (or do it before neighbors).  Either way don’t break up the flow of thought.

9% description of apartment – kind of a bloodless, dry description.  What emotions or thoughts do they evoke in Hassom, only to be violated by the blood?

Flash – again, needlessly wordy. Why not “the burst of a camera flash told him where his destination lay?”

How does he know the jacket is in the cloakroom under the stairs?  For that matter, how does he know there’s a cloakroom under the stairs?

Hammer – end sentence at “hammer which lay discarded on the floor.”  When you go on too long it kills the horror.

Not wanting to know the children’s names – good!  Tells us something about Hassom.

Not sure if you should go into such a long digression concerning Hassom’s marriage.  Again, too much of a digression without any real reason other than info dump. Why not dribble it out over time?  Add to Hassom’s thoughts at appropriate times of reflection.

15% “Hassom started to turn slowly….”  I’ve been told that in situations like this it’s easy to lose the proper voice.  I think you do that when you get to “When one person approaches….”  That’s Mike talking, not Hassom thinking.  Here you actually break up what would work as a single sentence:  “He recognized in the sound an absence of instinctive protocol, the gentle cough or sound of hands rubbing together that announces the other’s presence….”

This entire description of Hassom being attacked is a question of style.  It’s very detailed, but reads a bit like a judo training manual.  My thought here is that something that takes a “fraction of a second” shouldn’t take a few seconds to read.  But that’s your choice.  If you want to give the sense of rapid action you need to heavily edit this. “Hassom whipped around, spinning on the balls of his feet while going into a crouch and sweeping his forarm across his face.  That saved his life as he deflected the downward thrust of his assailant’s gleaming meat cleaver.”  I know that’s bad, but you get the idea.  If nothing else, at least get rid of the “at a distance of fourteen inches.”  That kind of detail just ruins a good action scene.  

Fight’s over, Hassom running down hall obviously worried about what might be going on – would he really take in all this detail as far as the inmates’ rooms are concerned?  I think he’d note that they were empty and apparently undamaged, but not much more than that.  Again, it’s Mike stopping the action to loving describe each and every detail.  But if that’s your style it’s then a matter of trying to get it past an editor.   

Chapter 4 18%  “McKenzie’s folly….”  Missing quotation marks where Clements explains. (lots of places where quotation marks are missing throughout these chapters.)

Chapter 5. Well, in the midst of the traumatic battle between the police and the mad mob you halt the action to explain how Hassom managed to show up to save the day!   You just took a scene which was flowing rapidly and carrying the reader with it and ran it into a brick wall. Save explanation for later!  Or else at end of section with two other police (offering him tea) have Hassom suddenly have an epiphany, for example:  He glanced at the canal, partly hidden by the surrounding topography and growing darkness.  Oh my God!, he thought. 

22% “twisting his torso anti-clockwise”?  By how many degrees?  Mike, simplify! “twisting his body and driving the knife….” Is quite sufficient and it flows better.

Chapter 6

Jenny explaining what she did at institute (22%).  She strikes me as having recovered a bit too quickly, but that might be expected of a heroine.  On the other hand you add description which doesn’t mesh with her dialogue.  “Funding of course….” paragraph has only one pause: “…I do believe…No, we were….” And then you describe Hassom seeing inner conflict and strain.  Her dialogue should convey that to the reader.  Use more pauses, maybe have her repeat words as if trying to convince herself.  Play with this Mike, you can make the reader believe it when she says it.  Play a mind game – imagine the worst thing you can think of happening to you (death, destruction, Ireland converting to the Euro) and imagine yourself speaking to someone shortly thereafter – how would you feel?  How would you talk?

Actually, this entire chapter bothers me for a number of reasons (all plot and character related).  Of course, the first big question comes down to why Jenny is still capitated (as opposed to de-).  I assume we’ll find out more about this later.  Second, Hassom awaking to find Jenny in his room is a bit clichéd for a number of reasons, including how she even knows he’s there.  Also, for someone who’s just been through what she has her recovery (despite your ending, which again has Hassom telling us something about her which does not come through from her dialogue) seems all but miraculous.  

Here’s some suggestions (since they’re free advice they’re obviously worth what they cost):

When Hassom wakes have Jenny sleeping in chair, but with a nurse in another.   Let the nurse tell Hassom that Jenny woke screaming his name, or calling for him (after all he’s the lifeline that pulled her from the pit of hell), so to calm her they brought her to him.  Make it clear that she is mildly sedated or drugged in some other way, which could explain her talkativeness, but make sure that she starts to panic if she gets too close to what happened.  She’s too calm and matter-of-fact about the entire episode.  If (as I assume) Batiste was the ring leader, the thought of him should send her back into a panic (unless of course she’s actually working for him).

Obviously you can ignore any or all of this, but Jenny has just been through a monstrously traumatic experience – make us believe it.

Well, that’s it so far.  Good story.  I need to get back to something else I’m working on right now, but will start on chapter 7 in a couple of days.  I hope this helps, Mike.  I really like the Hassom character so far and think you’ve got a good novel in the works.

Best wishes for a Happy New Year,

Tom

Hi Mike,

   Done through Chapter 11 now.  Other than typos can’t say I find much wrong with 7, 9, 10, and 11.  You do need to proof read, but those chapters flowed well.  Batiste is good villain (totally mind f****d), and chapter with Lucas done really well.  What’s in the kid’s head?  Creepy in subtle way as opposed to blatant Batiste evil.  Also, Hassom continues to be a good, solid character (when you gonna pen “The Inspector Hassom Mysteries” for BBC?).  Only Chapter 8 seemed to drag a bit.  I totally agreed with Benton when he said, “Perhaps, James, we could dispense with the fine detail and provide a summary of the information….” The point is that we get it.  If you’d like, why not simply say that from the point of view of one of the other characters, “McKenzie seemed to drone on….”  Sandwiched between one or two opening and closing sentences about the Book of Daniel.  I was also a bit unsure about Benton inviting Hassom and Clements to the meeting.  I would suspect that someone of his stature would likely not be bothered, simply directing the police to contact McKenzie upon his arrival back in the UK. Of course, these are just thoughts as I am enjoying the story.  Will get back to you after the next 3 or 4 chapters.

Hi Mike,

   You’re making the same mistake many non-scientists do: confusing piling on with proof.  In mathematics (and this always drove me nuts in high school) we were always told that, mathematically, you needed to prove that f(a function) was true for f(1), f(2), f(3),…..f(k).  How do you prove something for k!  What the hell is k anyway?  Well, all it means is that for a hypothesis to be proven it has to be shown to work in all situations.  You could show that a function works for each number inserted between 1 and 1,000,000, but it’s still not proven because you haven’t shown it for 1,000,001, 1,000,002, etc. 

    Same is true for science.  Observational science, like what McKenzie’s doing, is impossible to prove with 100% assurance.  So you don’t try.  McKenzie would give one detailed example, then add something like: “And exactly the same symbol correlates to similar events in at least 15 (or whatever) situations across recorded history, THAT WE KNOW OF, including name, name and name. If you’d like I’ll be happy to share that information with you.”  A senior scientist like McKenzie would be sure enough of his conclusions that he would limit himself.  A nervous graduate student would prattle on and try to impress with shear volume.

   Hope that helps.

Cheers,

Tom

Hello Mike,

     Sorry this has taken so long, but I’ve been really busy.  Started to re-read Chapter 1 and was immediately struck by something – McKenzie.  He’s just too pat.  He’s the scientist out of the one-dimensional character warehouse.  On top of that, you still start the book with him waking up, and I recently read an article somewhere that that is one of the major clichés to avoid.  I know that scientists often come off as oh so cool, emotionless, and cerebral, but guess what?  We’re people too!  The image you present is the one McKenzie wants to present to the world, but why don’t you show us something from under the mask?  Some of his colleagues joke about “McKenzie’s Folly”?  That’s got to hurt, whether he laughs it off in public or not.  It should elicit anger or distain for them in his mind.  Why not show us some of this? 

     As I read the section about McKenzie crawling through the cave which was getting narrower and narrower, it suddenly struck me as one possibility.  Why not start the book with him in a situation like that, only something happens (he gets stuck, or maybe he sees the symbol he’s searching for through an opening but can’t reach it, whatever).  Only it turns out to be a nightmare, and then he wakes up in the tent.  The intensity of the situation would be a better “grab” of the reader, and it also allows you to show us something of the true McKenzie.  (Another idea could be McKenzie about to reveal his “find” at a press conference or scientific meeting, but when he opens the case – there’s nothing there.)   

     I hope you don’t mind the suggestion.  It’s just that compared to Hassom, McKenzie is just a nothing character.

Tom

Hello Mike,

      Let me know when the new post goes up.  I’ll hold off reading until you’re ready.

      Very much like the idea of leading off with Hassom – good character. 

      Sure, starting with a dream is clichéd, but truthfully – what isn’t?  The difference is that a dream tells us something about the character, let’s us see into his mind, fears, hopes, etc.  That makes the reader forget that they’re in the middle of a cliché.  On the other hand consider what McKenzie did when he woke up: stretched, glanced at some maps, had some tea (or coffee, I forget), and wandered off to talk about breakfast and the schedule for the day.  L   Another option is to start McKenzie right in the middle of his cave crawl.  No dream, reality, and if you set it up right you’ve got your reader wondering what in hell this guy is doing and why.  And, of course, in order to find out they’ve got to keep reading.  You did that very well with Hassom.  Threw him just about right into the middle of a really nasty, riveting scene.   Your problem will be that most people are generally familiar with Hassom’s line of work.  McKenzie on the other hand….

     Ok, get back to work now.  I want to find out what happens with the kid. J

     BTW, let me know when you’re ready and I’ll upload the final chapters of Agony.

Best,

Tom  

Hi Mike,

   Sorry I’ve taken so long to get back to the Desolate, but the day job’s consumed all my time for the last few weeks, and all I ever had time for was to go through a few short pieces at the other site.  Finally found the time and decided to start from beginning since you mentioned that you had changed things.   Through about 33%, just finished Chapter 13 where McKenzie and Hanna get to Morey’s (ok, so why is it that academics must be total morons when it comes to their lovely assistants? Also, why haven’t I ever found one?).  Really, really looks good.  Rearranging of chapter sequence has made a world of difference, all for the much, much better.  All other changes have also greatly improved book.  Comments below are all generally minor, but might help a bit.  Going to try to spend much of tomorrow reading on, hope to finish book by sometime mid-week.

    As to Agony, just go back to your initial review, delete and add new one if you’ve finished the book.  At this point, once I get about 8 more reviews (assuming they are good) they will put it into hidden mode where the group gets to discuss whether it should be published or not.  At that point I will not be able to see the discussion.  You might call that stage 3.  As a member of the group you will get a message from William to take part in the stage 3 discussion if it gets there.   Did you get to the end yet?  Since it’s complete on other site I thought I’d just leave what I have here on BC as is.  I’d still like to know what you think of last few chapters, and the conclusion in general.

    I might add that having looked over a number of stage 1 stories, I’d say that if the rest of the Desolate is as good as what I’ve read so far you should be a shoo-in for a quick (1 or 2 month) residence in stage 1 before the book goes to stage 2.  Truthfully, this story is much better written than almost anything I’ve read on the other site.    

    Ok, here are my new comments:

Chapter 1.  Like the opening sentence.

0% (Bottom of page 3 on BC) “Only emotions could he….” Reads a bit awkward.  “He could only afford to deaden….” Would seem to work better (at least on this side of the pond.)

Next page:  paragraph describing first floor and stairs needs a transition between normal and blood stained wall.  Something like “The width of the staircase separated this world of pristine beauty from the wall where a thick slick of blood now marked the entrance to hell.”  Something like that (And I’m sure you can do much better than that.)

I think your description is a little to cold and matter-of –fact.  Add just a touch of melodrama, for instance: “…severed at the elbow, which seemed to beckon him forward, pleading for help.”  Mike, you don’t have to tell us that Hassom is emotionally upset by this, but let your description do it.    And then I read on - “The chill from his rain-soaked trousers….” Yes! Bravo! You did that perfectly.  You just need to sprinkle a little more into the story.  Start the description with a hint: “Hassom looked at the four figures around the table, closed his eyes for a moment, took a breath.”  Now describe the scene.  Actually, it really takes off from here.  Very nice mix of Hassom’s emotions and gruesome description.  This really conveys the horror – even the hardened cop is shocked. Great.  Instead of “retreated” how about “escaped”?  Stronger verb emphasizes emotion. I see you use escape a couple of sentences later, but I’d use it first and use a weaker verb in the secondary slot.

4% description of symbol: ”… circle within an eclipse….”  Do you mean ellipse?

15% still capturing the cavern writing “on film?”

A few pages later “after filming”  use “after recording.”  You should use this since you later have McKenzie slip USB connections from camera into computer.

24% use “LED” not “LCD” for the screens.  Benton probably would not be caught dead with old technology.  Also, I assume Hannah would insist on Ms., not Miss (despite her “acceptable” Geology degree J).

25%  Typo. Hannah wonders “whether if”  Proel’s appearance. 

       Hmmm.  I don’t understand McKenzie’s jumping off into a prepared presentation.  He did not know that others would be at his meeting with Benton, and I would guess that he’s been through this to some extent with Benton already in order to get his funding, so this doesn’t quite work.  Went back and re-read this, I think it just needs a couple of extra sentences. It might just be that the transition is too swift.  Something along the lines of McKenzie being surprised that the police would be interested, then shrugging and deciding to use the file with the longer preamble.  After that I found the rest of the chapter tremendously improved over the earlier draft. 

“…do as he pleases~” sounds a bit to modern to be quoted from the Bible.

Obviously not a lot to these comments, so as I think you can see you’ve really done a great job improving things.  I really look forward to the next few days of reading this.  And then posting comments.

Cheers,

Tom

Hi Mike,

     Finished The Desolate yesterday evening.  You did a great job.  If you are not an archaeologist you show the ability to make people believe you know enough to be one.  This is a talent that Michael Creighton had to really convince the reader that his characters are real (unless, of course, you happened to be in the field of the character he was depicting).    Hassom excellent, McKenzie great (once you opened him up a bit), and all others real.  Good job.  I think that if you have not already submitted somewhere else you should contact William at Bookkus and see how long he thinks the que is for books to be posted.  More about that after a few minor quibbles.

Quibble 1.  I think the first half of the book ends with the arrest of Batiste.  2nd half is more fantastic, and some of the main characters fade a bit into the background early on (Hassom for instance).  I would suggest you alert the reader to expect the change by labeling two sections – First half might be Book 1: The Madman, second half: Book 2, Entity (or The Child, or some such).  Obviously, it’s up to you to come up with appropriate titles that work for you, but my point is that it’s such a scene shift that it helps the reader to expect that something is about to change and not feel suddenly lost or disoriented.

Quibble 2.  The Ending (well, not the ending so much as the dénouement).  After the Entity is defeated (well done by the way), the book seems to descend to the happy ending level of a television melodrama – everyone has a happy ending over drinks (even the Entity!!!).  I don’t read lots of thrillers, so maybe this is considered necessary, but it seemed a bit overdone to me. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the characters very much, in a way I am glad things worked out, but it just seemed a bit saccharine. I may be writing this as a writer rather than a reader, since I tend to dissect plot carefully   (for instance, I was wondering about Jenny early on just because she survived and no one questioned how or why, but was relieved when you revealed her pretty quickly and didn’t try to draw her part out).  

Well, that’s about it other than the little notes below:

34% Chapter 13. Missing (.) at end of first sentence.  2nd sentence a bit awkward.  Might flow better as: “The slashing, sliding rain water covering the windscreen impaired his vision as he watched the Mercedes, awaiting the return of its owner .”  

55% fragments of schist?  Where’d they come from?

68% typo – “…unrivalled proximity…”  not “…unrivalled proximately…”

80% typo – “out loud” not “out load”

So again, great job. If you have any questions just post to thread. 

Now, about Bookkus.  I get the feeling that they want to move more quickly.  They will have been up for a year come September and have yet to publish a book.  Right now they are posting a number of short stories which may indicate a lack of material (which would be good if you submit).  They also seem to attract a lot of interest in thrillers (including supernatural).  The first book that actually made it to the “consider for publication” level is Faust’s Butterfly, a supernatural thriller, but I’m in that group and it’s not going to make it without a significant re-write (the nearly unanimous conclusion among group members).  My point is just that The Desolate might very well fit a niche that they are looking for.

Well, good luck, you’ve done a great job and I thoroughly enjoyed the read.  If you get posted on Bookkus you’ve already got one very good review ready to go.

Tom