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Joined: 5/5/2011
Posts: 23
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I've been sending a few queries around for a paranormal YA. Only one request for pages so far. I swear, writing the novel is far, far easier than writing the hook or the query. Any advice / suggestions / revisions would be greatly appreciated.
Version One:
Liliana Morgan is not going to let her boyfriend be thrown in Hell for his bad reputation. Not without a fight.
Version Two:
Seventeen-year-old Liliana Morgan must find her inner badass and rescue the guy she loves from eternal torment when she learns that the dead or judged on their reputations, not their characters.
Version Three (aka the long, wordy one but the one the one that actually got a request, so what do I know?)
Liliana Morgan has just learned that the Angel of Death let the dead be judged by the people who knew them. Her dad has already been marked one of the Forbidden - a soul condemned to death - for the ever-so-heinous crime of being gay. It's up to Liliana to make sure that her boyfriend, Daniel, doesn't suffer the same unjust fate. After all, she's pretty much the only person who thinks he's innocent of murder.
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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I agree with you completely! Writing the hook and synopsis is so much harder than the novel! I am working on mine at the moment, too.
I like the last hook better. It reads a little clunky though, I think you could lose some of the extra words. The part with the father I don't understand, is he condemned to death or to hell? As for the boyfriend, I have to wonder is he dead, dying, or are people trying to kill him? Overall, I think it brings up a lot of questions, but not in the way that you want it to.
Maybe try this:
Liliana Morgan has just learned the Angel of Death is letting the dead be judged by the people that knew them...tighten up conflict...After all, she's the only person who thinks he's innocent of murder.
I hope this helps!
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Joined: 5/21/2011
Posts: 8
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I actually like the first one the best. It's short and intriguing. The middle one is too pithy for my taste, too off hand. The last one has too much information for me, and like Elizabeth OConnor said, raises questions, but not the I-want-to-read-more kind, just the Huh? kind. If you wanted to revise the last one, I'd approach it this way:
Liliana Morgan has just learned that the Angel of Death lets the dead be judged based on reputations instead of character. Her dad has already been marked for hell, for the ever-so-heinous crime of being gay. Now, it's up to Liliana to make sure that her boyfriend, Daniel, doesn't suffer the same unjust fate. After all, she's pretty much the only person who thinks he's innocent of murder.
Just suggestions, of course. Feel free to disregard. . :>
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Joined: 5/5/2011
Posts: 23
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I like it, thanks!
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Joined: 5/4/2011
Posts: 19
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Try to write the info of the third version into the size and power of the first. For example: Liliana Morgan, a (insert what makes her character unique), discovers her true love has been slated to eternal damnation for a murder he didn't comment. She is the only one who can prove his innocence, but only by using tactics that risk her own soul.
Remember the old news reporting slogan 'who, what, where.'
Who: Liliana Morgan - what makes her someone I want to know
What: The problem she is trying to solve - saving boyfriend from hell
Where: Supernatural Judgement World
Good luck
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