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Joined: 7/18/2011
Posts: 2
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Luisa Ramirez is nineteen, immortal, and living in Jazz Age Miami. Some would consider it paradise, but for Luisa, it is more like paradise lost. Centuries have passed since her galleon washed up in the lagoon. Too many of her loved ones have grown old and died, and she can no longer bear to be the custodian of their memories.
When Luisa falls in love with Anastasia, she is determined to free herself from her immortality, and live a single lifetime with the woman she loves.
But Luisa is bound to the nymph who once guarded the Fountain of Youth. Only by finding the nymph, and returning her to the Fountain, can Luisa become mortal again. Standing in her way is Miami’s other immortal citizen, Juan Ponce De Leon. He has claimed the Fountain, for his own, and will not relinquish his prize without a fight.
Told in three narratives: 1567, 1926, and 2005, Miami: Sweet Water is a Paranormal-Mystery, complete at 98,000 words.
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Joined: 7/18/2011
Posts: 2
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I'm not completely satisfied with this query. For the sake of simplicity, It focuses on the 1928 narrative only. It does sum up what Luisa wants and what she must do to get it, but it is vague as it pertains to Juan Ponce's motivation. I've tried other versions with more detail, but they tend to get muddled.
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Joined: 5/12/2011
Posts: 240
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I actually like this query a lot. You pretty much had me at the first sentence. By the time I got to the F/F romance bit it was just a bonus!
I don't think I would add more detail, because as you said, it could get cluttered. If a reader knows who Ponce de Leon is (and doesn't everyone?) it makes sense that he would be somehow protective of the fountain of youth.
The part that had me a little lost, in fact, is "Luisa is bound..." all the way to the first mention of Leon.
Somehow, it's too tangled. Can you simply it just a bit?
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• Centuries have passed since her galleon
washed up in the lagoon
I have a problem with this line because it implies that it was hers. If it was, there needs to be more. If not, she survived a shipwreck, and it should be stated as such.
• Too many of her loved ones have grown old and died, and she can no longer bear to be the custodian of their memories
No context for what’s involved and why she must do the job. You imply that it’s more then the weight of years, and need to clarify.
• When Luisa falls in love with Anastasia, she is determined to free herself from her immortality,
This seems to conflict with the paragraph above. If she can no longer bear the job, why isn’t that motivation to be free?
• He has claimed the Fountain, for his own, and will not relinquish his prize without a fight.
You don’t make it clear why it matters. It’s not been made clear that the nymph being driven away made them, and no one else, immortal, or how returning her to the fountain negates it. You say he’s the owner. So why is she immortal?
You don’t have to answer the points with a cascade of plot data, but you do need to eliminate the source of the questions in some way.
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Joined: 5/12/2011
Posts: 240
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I disagree. I think the questions are just enough to make an agent curios to see more. This isn't a summary, it's a teaser.
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Joined: 8/12/2011
Posts: 23
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Hi, Jack,
I am no pro but here's my two cents. Your query sounded interesting. I do think that line about too many of her loved ones have died, etc, could be better told/ exlained/balanced--cause and effect stlye. I do like the opening line, though. The other sentence that snagged for me was about the galleons washing up on the lagoon. I think I understand what you're trying to pitch.
Just a question, does this story center around San Agustin or Miami? The fountain of youth is in San Augustin. The water smells and taste like sulfer. Have you posted chapters?
Sweet Water is an Indian tribal name. There's a wonderful legend about the area.
Nancy
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