"Lost in a Victorian fairyland, the girl in t-shirt and torn jeans will do anything to find her way home, but there’s a catch; she doesn’t know where home is, or even who she is. Her memories have been magically stolen. All she knows right now is that she and some other girl are being chased by wizard hunters and their dragon.
Even in the company of a princess on the run, “Memory” attracts attention. From her scary ability to perform impossible magic, to the man with the glowing hand and the strange guardian-angel-cross-savage that follows her, there is more to Memory’s story than she could ever have guessed. Haunted by a violent past and hunted in a world where fairytales come true, she feels like an ugly duckling, inside and out. Memory fights to get her life and family back, even at the cost of new friendships and romances. Demons both internal and external must be overcome to discover where she belongs, who she was, and who she wants to be."
I sent out about a dozen queries, and got three requests for materials from rather decent agents (later rejected, sigh). While looking for more agents I joined Query Tracker, and work-shopped my query on their forums. This is what it turned into-
"The girl in t-shirt and torn jeans doesn’t care
about runaway princesses, dead royals and evil tyrants. She just wants to get out
of this weird Victorian fairyland and find her way home. But with her memories
stolen, she doesn’t know where home is. She doesn’t even know her name. She’s
dubbed “Memory” by the princess she’s gotten tangled up with who keeps trying
to hog all the attention. Chased by dragons and wizard hunters, suffering magical
amnesia, bruised and beaten- Memory thinks her problems are just as important.
When Memory finds out she’s connected to the man who
killed the princess’s parents, discovering who she is becomes more important
than ever. Desperate to break through the spells and lies that conceal her
past, she’ll choose between her new friendships and the unknown family she
longs for, at the risk of losing both."
I thought it was a decent improvement. More story, more voice... I sent it out to about 30 agents, many more suited to my genre than my first round, and have only had two requests for material from that batch.
So where did I go wrong? Is the first one more interesting? I'd appreciate any opinions, thank you.
Note- I've cut any agent specific sections or author bio, these are just the "synopsis" section of the queries.