Hi all! I was hoping someone might be able to help with this hook (I'm starting to draft the query, and this seems to be my only sticking point). Thanks in advance!

"Having accidentally cut his sister's magic in half, Theeran has bigger problems to worry about than his pointed ears."

Thanks again!

Hi, A.J.

More than anything, the hook sparks confusion in me rather than curiosity. Then again, this could make the agent interested in reading on to see what this means. Also, the words 'cut' and 'pointed' are a little bland.

A suggested rewrite: After accidentally cleaving his sister's magic in half, Theeran has bigger problems to worry about than his peaked ears.

Give us colorful wording in a hook. It's suppose to catch our interest.

Good luck with your writing!

Amber

A.J.

I like your hook. It says a great deal in two sentences.

We know that Theeran did something to his sister.

That she has magic powers. There are even bigger problems that
lay ahead (and we know that cutting your sister's magic power's in 
half is big, hinting at even worse things to come).

And if that's not enough, Theeran has pointy ears.

Why he worries about those, I don't know, but mystery can be
a good reason to keep reading.

You might want to put the reader into Theeran's thoughts and emotions more.

This will help the reader view the world from Theeran's point of view

on a more intimate level.

You started on this path by telling the reader Theeran is worried;

a glimpse into his feelings. This can be continued to pull the
reader into the story even more.

How does Theeran feel about what he did to his sister?

Did he enjoy it? Hated himself for doing it?
Any physical reactions to what he had done when he thinks about it.

Are his ears an embarrassment to him? Is he proud of them, but they
give him away to others as he is in hiding? 

I don't know the character Theeran, so I don't know his thoughts,
feelings, motivations, etc., but here is an example of what I'm getting at.

I'm guessing that he feels bad about what he has done and he feels
embarrassed by his ears.:

Theeran felt the acids start to burn in his stomach when the realization of what he had done to his sister, hit him. But there were greater obstacles looming up ahead. His deepening shame over his hideous, pointed ears now paled in comparison.

Also, about his ears... If they are human-like, 'pointed' works fine.

But, if his ears are somewhat like another animal, you can use the commonly known
animal's ears as the descriptor: Rat-like, Cat-like, Wolf-like, etc.
This quickly paints a nice visual for the reader with little effort.

If his ears were indeed 'rat-like', the reader would then empathize and understand
his shame of them even more.

These are only suggestions.

Hi Robert,

Thanks for the notes, I'll take them into consideration. I'm going to be leaving the 'pointed ears' bit as is, just because of the rest of the query. I've taken a note about the emotions as well, thanks!