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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 77
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I do a lot of revision, and I guess you do too.
But what if you revised my work?
I'd love to see what you would do to my text
(The Integrator).
To start things off, I'll re-write the first pages of a couple of estimable works below.
What do you think?
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 77
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Here's my revision of the first page of G.D. Deckard's The Phoenix Diary:
In three generations, America had become a land of farm towns. Vast areas contained nothing but decomposing cities, a few scattered families.
Old people told of "the Modern Times" and how they survived "the Collapse." The children of the old people listened and wanted to learn, but they were farmers, ranchers, and traders, and they had to live in the world they were making for themselves.
It is their grandchildren who dream of former glories.
Some old technology still works, and in the imaginations of the young, the Modern Times come alive again. They believe they can reclaim the magic of their lost civilization.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 77
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Here's my revision of the first page of A Kaliphian Matter: Transformations, by Angela Martello:
Zephtep ai Lazan's stylus shot across the dark office just ahead of the ensign, who knew enough to know when to duck.
"Something wrong, sir?" he asked.
"No! Yes!" Zeph groaned, massaging his temples. Could his head really explode?
"Do you want me to call Dr Correlli?"
"No, no, I'll see him later." The meetings with Tony Correlli were the price he paid to return to work so soon, but they were better than sitting around the manor with his father.
~
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 77
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And one more. Here's my revision of the first few lines of Sly! The Rogue Reconsidered by Mimi Speike.
Good Lord what a mess! An absolute muddle. Most of all, worst of all, the situation was the result of his own fat-headed arrogance.
A fine kettle of fish, that's how he thought of it. He could stay or he could go, but either way, the old man was sunk. It was a damnable business, no matter how you looked at it.
He hadn't decided in haste. He'd considered the pros and cons. When he daydreamed during meetings of the Privy Council, it was this problem which dominated his reverie. He'd mulled it over a hundred times, and changed his mind a hundred more.
Sly had watched the king's decline with a heavy heart. His former benefactor now sat blank-faced, unable to respond to any situation until the cat hopped into his lap with whispered instructions. The fellow had always been timid, but now he had become alarmingly withdrawn. The panic which pinched his brow whenever he had to commit to a course of action was concealed behind long bangs brushed over his eyes. His opinions stalled in the limbo of his clouded brain, never making the leap to forthright speech.
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