Joined: 8/21/2011
Posts: 2
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A middle-aged businessman, with no experience in weaponry, no military experience, no investigative capabilities, and not in very good physical condition seeks revenge.
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Joined: 8/13/2011
Posts: 272
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Off the top of my head, I'd say that you're coming at this the wrong way. Basically, you're establishing how ordinary your character is, rather than what he's up against. A better approach might be something like this:
'An ordinary Joe seeks revenge against the government/ gods/ dark forces* that ruined his life while fighting his own body.'
(*pick as necessary)
Also, I should point out that you also need to do more to establish your story's individuality. This feels like a very generic description as you've established very little about your setting and opponents. You're going to need to say something extra here just to clarify what this story is about.
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Joined: 8/21/2011
Posts: 2
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Points well taken. Thank you.
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