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Just before the coroner performs her autopsy, Eve wakes up on the dissection table. Horrified, she realizes that she has contracted the Zeta virus, an organism which turns its host into the walking dead. With her marriage a wreck and her family in mourning, Eve decides she will give her afterlife meaning by donating her body to science. Dr. Herman Malchik and his cronies at the Institute for Zeta Human Research begin radical experiments with Eve to mask the fact that she is a zombie. While pleased with the success of her treatments, Eve is less-than thrilled to find that the doctors have thrust her into the public eye. Matters only deteriorate when Spencer White, a tenacious reporter, comes to her with evidence that the Institute is doing more harm than good, torturing patients into monsters. Caught up in a whirlwind of unsolicited fame, zombie hunters, necrophiles and twisted scientists, Eve must decide if she will be true to herself or continue to seek the approval of the living.
This is an excerpt from the first chapter of my book I WANT HIM FOR HIS BRAINS. It is currently available for publication and I'm seeking representation from agents. I hope you enjoy and look forward to your feedback. :) Thanks for reading.
Great first line. Love the premise and the agonizing idea of regaining consciousness just before the coroner begins the dissection. One quibble - I don't think an axe would "boom" as it hit a metal slab. Also I don't understand what happened to the coroner. Heart attack?
Strong voice right from the get-go, but it wavers some as the story continues. The language is sometimes too stilted and formal.
Great. Things moved along very well from one point to the next. I was never waiting for the next moment of action.
Catches the attention straight away and I flew through the first chapter. Funny too...where's the rest?!
Perfect. Nothing seems strained, it flows nicely.
Action straight away is always great and this is great. You can almost feel her straining against her body on the slab.
Interresting concept I never would have thought of that.
Great work with getting your characters voice heard.
not too fast not too slow. You have a great pace.
This is a very good story with just some rough edges to polish out. I like the initial set up and the payoff at the end of the chapter. It gave me plenty of information without going the way of the info dump. I think some of the descriptions could be smoother, especially in the opening paragraphs, but that's just my own take on it. I think the idea of having the MC described by the coroner as a way of getting a character description in is absolute gold...wish I'd thought of that one!
Voice is rock solid in this piece. Consistent, a little snark to round out the horror of the situation but never overboard with it.
The pacing is good, keeping me interested in the story as I went along. There is a little lag in the middle of the chapter but it's a small thing.
Oh, I liked this. I'm not much for zombies...not sure if that's what this is or not, but I'm definitely intrigued. The voice is excellent and it ends with me wanting a lot more.
very nice. Kept me interested the entire way through.
Spot on, IMO. Didn't lag at all. Again, when it got to the end, I was frustrated because I wanted to read more.
Oh my goodness. Perfection. Thanks for sharing this on the site. I wouldn't change a single word.
Did I mention how perfect this is? From the first sentence I'm hooked by the narration.
Splendid. I've seen it where critics say "I didn't want it to end," i didn't. I will follow this with the hopes I can buy it soon.
I enjoyed the chapter immensely. I think you have a great hook and an exciting start. My only criticism is at the end of the chapter when she heads out into the night she is shocked that it is midnight and that she had gone to sleep fifteen minutes ago. It stretches credibility a little bit and this may just be my personal issue. You could approach it a little differently with having her ask just how long have I been out of it? Also, if she has the coroner's cell phone, rather than steal his car, wouldn't she call someone first then, not receiving an answer she could steal the car.
I like the voice, it's clear, contemporary and uncluttered.
The pacing is good. I like the fight scene with the coroner. It keeps you on the edge of your seat.
I liked it. Starting by waking up is overdone, waking on an autopsy table isn’t. I think you described her predicament well, although she’s a little dense. The coroner dies in front of her and her first though is what is she doing in a morgue? I’m asking what happened? The most recent shock should be the first thing on her mind, then the bigger picture sinks in. And why is the door locked? That strikes me as illegal/fire hazard.Why did she think she’d gone to sleep only 15 minutes ago? There wasn’t a hint of that at the beginning and it seems like an odd assumption.
The voice is good, it’s a character I could spend time with. I like the way you described finding the coroner’s car and her quest for a pair of underwear. I didn’t understand the comment that her typical day was red wine, missionary sex, and dreamless sleep. It made me think she’s a prostitute, unless that’s the point.
I think the pace is good. It drew me in and kept going without overwhelming me but also without dragging.
What an interesting story! I loved this excerpt; it's a great idea, and I definetly want to read more of it! The only problem I've found is that, we don't find out who the MC is. We know she's a woman, her age, her height and weight, but not her name. Normally that's given in the first few pages of the first chapter. Unless you were going for the mystery-girl feeling until chapter two, or something, that's all that I noticed.
The voicing was good for the most part. I thought your word choice was quite remarkable, as well!
The pacing of this story was alright. It didn't go too fast or too slow, neither overwhelming nor boring the reader. However, when the coroner is attacking the MC, if you really want the audience to feel her fear, shorten your sentences. Short sentences give off a quicker feel, which is always better for action-packed scenes.
It's pretty fun so far. You mentioned in the author note that this is just a tantalizing excerpt. If you don't plan on posting up more, but you want to generate more interest, you should probably consider cutting it off at a more intense moment. A cliffhanger will always leave people begging for more, but as it stands, I don't find anything interesting about her going home. The most exciting part was when he was about to bring the axe down on her head.
I don't normally like the first person, but I think it works well for this story so far- particularly when she was trapped in her own body in the beginning. It feels more immediate and it's well used.
The build up and the fight scene was nice, but the bit at the end leading to her decision to go home is way too slow. Her leaving the building is an uninteresting string of events, so I'd recommend either charging it up or cutting it out as much as possible.
Waking up on a slab is a great hook for your intro! I'd recommend staying away from profanity in your first sentence, though. The beginning is the last place you want to alienate any potential readers, so why not ease into it a little first?You don't need a comma after "but" in the first sentence. If it were me, I'd take that comma and use it to replace the period between "Trust me" and "I speak from experience.""Stark raving naked" is a strange turn of phrase, but it's your choice :)You might want to change "fecund" to "fetid" when describing the coroner's breath. There's nothing reproductively fertile or intellectually active about it.You don't need a comma after "badge clipped to the hem of his shirt."You might want to smooth out some of the sentences right after she peers out into the hall of the morgue - they're pretty choppy. This continues until she finds the coroner's car.That said, it's a pretty cool premise, though it shares a lot with traditional vampire/zombie novels. Hopefully we'll get to see the twist that makes this one unique if/when more chapters get uploaded :)
I know your lead character's supposed to use this whole sexual banter thing to seem like your average red-wine-drinking, missionary-sex-loving, ten-pounds-over lady, but it doesn't quite come across that way. I don't think you're trying to make the character come across as particularly vulgar or self-centered, but her lines are just "off" enough for that to be what comes across.
The pacing is... fine? The first chapter's a little soon to tell, since your introduction has to be fairly fast-paced to draw in your reader. You did have some good twists that worked well for comedic effect - specifically the coroner's death while attempting to kill your heroine's already-dead personage.
Greetings. You certainly have the beginning here of a promising story. Your protagonist has a distinctive voice, for the most part, and you have some nice turns of phrase. (There are a few places where I wasn't sure whether you were joking or not. Was the pun "Mortified" intentional? And "a fecund mixture of bile and peanuts" -- while I rather like this, I've never heard fecund used to mean anything but fertile, and I'm not sure how it applies to a smell. Also, does bile have a distinctive smell?)
What you are attempting here, (a first person description of waking from the dead) is interesting, but also difficult. As I said, you have a good voice, but a few things leap out at me as problematic. "When I awoke, cold and paralyzed..." I'm not sure you want to give us paralyzed right up front, since your narrator spends a lot of time discovering just how paralyzed she is over the next few pages. Even cold doesn't add much. Maybe a better approach might be something like: "The only difference was waking up here, stretched out on a dissection table while etc..." The "and though I tried to follow him with my eyes" construction takes away from the immediacy of the description. You could simply say, "I tried to follow him with my eyes, but..." I don't care for the phrase "rendered immobile" -- why not just 'they wouldn't move'. And you could delete "It seemed" from that next sentence. The bit with the gurgling water doesn't really work for me. I don't see why it is there. "The voices in my head" paragraph bothers me a little, too. We know its not a dream. She knows its not a dream. Why make a big announcement? No offense, but it's a little amateurish. "Don't they use those things to open up skulls?" This kind of aside weakens the narrative. There is something a little overdone about the narrative. I'm not saying it's all bad, but passages like "A flicker of hope cut through my growing panic as felt the frigid paralyzing sensation sliding off me." I honestly had to read that three times to be sure what you were saying. Why so florid? Likewise "release my pent up horror in time to stop the saw..." etc. Sometimes, a plainer approach would suit you better. "Hollow tension" is interesting, but I'm still not sure it works. ('acute awareness' is similarly problematic, and a bit of a cliche.) Also: "He still held the saw in one hand, finger poised on it's switch like a trigger." It's a little thing, but 'like a trigger' is modifying the finger, not the switch. You could just say, "his finger poised on the trigger." The narrative picks up after she speaks and the coroner springs into action. But 'Oh, shit' doesn't really add anything, and you lose immediacy with phrases like: "as he lunged for me' (delete the 'as') and 'Just when panic threatened to overwhelm me," Or "this time ducking beneath the exam table...' It's an action scene. Give us the action without qualifiers or explanations. "I ducked beneath the exam table and bolted for the one and only exit." (Also, I get that they doused her with water, but what does that add to the description of running from a man with an axe? And don't over describe the labored breathing of the coroner. He can drop dead without laying a lot of groundwork. "My instincts screamed." That doesn't mean anything to me. "The coroner lumbered..." Lose 'soon'. And hot breath brushed against makes him sound closer than arm's length. I could smell his hot breath, etc. Still too many florid phrases for my taste 'pulsing with zealous fury' for instance. 'fish out of water' is a cliche.'disbelieving' isn't necessary. Actually the whole sentence isn't necessary. Likewise the sentence "I wanted to cry..." which really just feels kind of maudlin and obvious. By the way, the description of the morgue is good, but don't bother telling us that it doesn't look like on television. Just describe it. 'Making sure not to let her get..." etc is a weak construction. I kept my eyes down, willing myself to look bored, tired, ordinary. Ready to taste fresh air and freedom... Eh, not so much. Just open the damn door.
Probably after all those notes in the Voice section, you think I hated everything. Not so. I liked many things: "If you're looking for insight on..." "I didn't need my eyes to be sure..." "The coroner spat out an insult..." "I would regain control of my paper dry mouth and..." "toward me and my not dead head.' "low-ceilinged tomb" "axe shaped vacancy" "precision of the whirring saw" 'squeaked against the glossy paint" "weight of keys..." "desolate palette...alien mothership" "polite blink of its headlights."(By the way, your pacing is good.)
Internet ate my crit. Starting over :( The recap of notes I have to retype might be a punchier in delivery this time around. Sorry.3%No comma after but.Sneaky way to get character's appearance in ;)Don't like the "you". It can work in some novels, but isn't for me here because it's assuming I'm asking things I'm not.Misuse of semicolon.11%Watch out for filters like "see". Show her seeing it. Deepen the POV. Does she have eyes or not? I can't tell.Misuse of semicolon again. For what you are going for, you want an emdash.Show the emotion. you say things like mortified and panic, but I want to FEEL it. Try using the bookshelf muse emotion thesaurus for help. A lot of newbie writers falsely believe they have to NAME the emotion for the reader. You don't ;) And emotion is there, in the story and in the character and actions and tone of their words more than it is in naming the emotions.You use "seem" a lot. It's okay sometimes, but try not to overdo it. Show us what IS, not what SEEMS.Show us the character's experience. Instead of "came the sound of running water" show us that sound. IE: came the hush of running water. Maybe you choose another sound."gurgling noise" is redundant. gurgle is a noise. Just cut the word "noise" and you're okay there. It's fine when you need it, but you don't here.Look for waste words. Those are words you can cut without really losing anything. You wont love voice or clarity. For example "The trickle held a sinister note of truth". Nothing lost but some clunky wordage ;) My other issue is that this sentence sounds cool, but means nothing to me. What is the note of truth?19%More filter words like "believe" and "I knew". Try to show her believing and knowing. Put us in her shoes. Let us struggle with her. I want to FEEL her situation, not have it summarized to me. It really doesn't involve slowing your pacing, either. Cut the summary and find a way to show it in about as many words :)I didn't know she had voices in her head and never got to see them warring, so that jarred me.Show how she comforted herself in that tenuous hope. You tell me, but I don't feel her comfort. The thought paired with her reaction to that thought should show that the thought comforted her with tenuous hope.More filters like "I saw". Show her seeing it. "The coroner return to my side, holding a bone saw." -- we can see she saw that. She is the narrator after all :)For more on deepening POV, try this link:http://writeintoprint.blogspot.com/2011/05/inkmuse-scoop-plus-pimp-your-pov.htmlAgain--filled with dread. You aren't giving the reader emotion. These are just bookmarks for where emotion could really live. I know it's easy to fall into this trap, especially if most of what you read is unpublished works online. After a while, you start to think a story doesn't have emotion unless they say that emotion directly. The opposite is true. You want to show the emotion and let the reader experience it. The moment is dreadful. We get that. If you want your character to feel dread, have her react in a way that shows her dread. What's the visceral reaction?28%LOL at "me and my not-dead head"Why did her tongue refuse to separate from the roof of her mouth?No comma after But.She just doesn't want to watch it? Or is she afraid it might hurt? OR "really" kill her? (since she doesn't realize she is dead yet?)Agian, telling emotions : fit of fear and stubbornness... show me that emotion. Make me feel it! Also, if you keep that sentence, you need a comma after stubbornness as it's an introductory phrase. (I noticed some other introductory phrases easier, too, that I mentioned in my original edit. Just do a search on how to use them and you'll be okay!)Can you show the man's terror instead of telling us that's why they are wide (she wouldn't know that unless something else was cluing her in that it was terror and not surprise. 36%Let us see the terror for ourselves instead of telling us. Like... hi eyes wide as (pick something) and the color in his face draining by the second."I noticed" is another filter. Show her noticing it.44%Show the long pause between the words...."Are y-y-you one of--" He took another step back "--them?"Show her "noting" instead of telling. Example. "I inhaled. The oxygen tingled my lungs--my first breath in hours.I don't like the dead/said echo. Easy fix: "I'm not dead." My voices was sandpapery. (only need the one word...that shows it's hoarse)"sound of shattering glass" to show the sound could be "the shatter of glass". Put us in the experience ;)52%The MC's dialogue feels stilted to me for some reason. I can't place it. I know good dialogue when I see it, but damned if I can fix it when it's weak. I have a dialogue pro I could recommend you to, though, if you're interested.The "for a moment" adds nothing in this case.I think you have an extra word.... "He was pear shaped" (cut "a")60&Why the "trying always" for one leap away? Maybe it if was "Every time he swung, I leapt away again, trying always..."Lots of "could" and "I knew" and other filters. Try to pare them back a bit.I don't understand this line: The gurgling [sound], the heavy and cold limbs; they muse have doused me with water. (either way, I think the semicolon should be an emdash. Semicolons have 2 very specific uses."crazy guy in an axe" .... in should be "with"68%No comma after "Snarl." that is the action preceding the dialogue, not a dialogue attribute."forward" could replace "toward me" so we don't have so much "toward me". The toward who is implied.can cut "soon" and show the soon by joining th sentence and using "until": The coroner lumbered forward, huffing and puffing, until he was an arm's length away.fecund is an odd word. Did you use a thesaurus for that one? It doesn't fit the character/narrators voice."rubbery lips" has a cartoony feel to it, too.77%No comma after but.Comma after "When I dared to move" as that's and introductory phrase.85%She was already rocking AS she drew her knees to her chest? I'm having a hard time picturing that, but that is what your sentence structure, with the leading participial, implies.You tell us a lot of her emotions, but I'm not feeling it. I need to know how it feels to her and I need to experience in context. She's definitely been through hell, but I have no reason to connect to her yet, so it's more an adventure read that seems like trying to have emotion by naming emotions, but there's no emotion really there.No comma after "shirt" and before "might help"95%Can tighten up the taking in of the morgue. Pacing is a little slow there. I don't think it's really needed, but if you want to show it, cut right to it. Also, SHOW her taking in the morgue, instead of telling us that's what she's doing and THEN showing. No need to show AND tell. Show is enough:)I peered into the hall. Same basic decor as on television--dull, fluorescent light bouncing off the walls and floors, robbing everything of distinct colors--but the eerie glow and desolate palate turned the morgue into something more of an alien mothership.Show her passing the room. IE: Ten feet down the hall, a young man sat on the edge of a bed in another exam room. (show's it's occupied). You can even make this creepy. Maybe he is staring at the floor and there are dark circles under his eyes??Show the baring music giving vibrations:The blare of classic rock trembled beneath the soles of my bare feet, the vibration of the floor reaching all the way up to my knees.Tell/distant POV: I saw only one other person roaming the halls.Showing/Close POV: Only one other person roamed the halls.How did she "went" by? There is a change for a strong verb there for you to give us a vibe. As she shuffled by? Wheezed by? Slinked by? You used great words earlier like "lumbered". Find one of those to use now.For continuity, order events for flow of ideas....Example....to change to: As I breezed by the desk of a drowsy security guard, his gaze lifted from his copy of Maxim to give him me the slightest once-over.Like the moon thing, but feel like I've seen it before. Maybe it's just the "Cheshire grin" I've seen before.100%Her thoughts when she leaves the morgue at the end of the chapter are not believable. She doesn't get that she had been dead? And gone to sleep 15 minutes ago... how would she know how long she was sleeping for? Did she check a watch before and after waking up? Also, how would she know it's midnight, just by looking at the moon?What is the noise of her thoughts sound like, and how do they reach critical mass?I also didn't realize she'd taken the coroner's keys, but maybe I missed that.Overall, I did like this (sorry for all the nits) Have you tried a site like scribophile for critique? It might help you master some of the basics, which is really also this novel needs to be fixed up, IMO. At the end, I got the sense that the character was older (old enough to drink) but for some reason the character read like a 16yo to me. That said, They could be in their 20's... but 20's don't make me think "stiff drink". A really great premise, and a fun adventure. I'd like more character depth though.
Good voice! Can only get better, I'm sure. Reads a bit like most rought drafts, I think. It just takes time to really hone in on that character's voice and show their tone and emotion and personality through word choice, but I know you'll get it perfect!
Pacing was pretty good, but at times was a bit summary-like, and at other times, you just take too long to tell something that you could actually SHOW and let the reader EXPERIENCE in less words. Touch those spots up and I think the pacing will even out nicely.Hope I've offered something helpful here! Good luck with revisions!
Good opening line. Some missing commas. "Lying" not "laying" bare at 11%. Some repetitive word use. Not sure why the sound of water running convinces her this is not dream. The fifth grade math teacher reference is a little confusing as well. I know she thinks this is a dream, but could you pick something a little more outlandish? Her knowledge of different saws seems out of character. Do you explain why she'd know its name? The crime show reference explains how she knows what it does. When the coroner pauses between the last words of his opening line, I think you need to show the actual pause. Telling me about it made me go back and re-read it. Extra "a" at 52%. Some run-on sentences. "with" not "in" an axe at 60%. Why would the morgue door be locked? The other one down the hall isn't. Some mispunctuated dialogue. At 68% for his breath to reach her from an arm's length away, that sounds unrealistic. Explain more how the coroner falls. he'd have to fall backward for the axe to land on him. I'm assuming a heart attack killed the coroner, but she should have some thought on that. I know she finds keys, but we don't actually see her unlock the door. I'd think most people working in a morgue, small staff, would know each other. Even if she doesn't make eye contact, the person she passes should find her out of place. Good closing line. Overall, this is very well-written. I would definitely read more.
Voice is evident from the first line. Good. She needs more revulsion at stripping the coroner and wearing a dead man's clothes.
Great pacing. No complaints here. Impressively done.
At the risk of repeating myself, I'll say how much I like your style. I really enjoyed the first chapter and look forward to more. I can't think of anything to improve upon it and I assume that you don't want that anyway since it's ready. I know this must be a polished, finsished product so I don't have any suggestions for it except I found one error: At 60% "a crazy guy in an axe" .The first chapter makes me want to read more by presenting a character in what must be the most horrendous of situations. I wonder what led up to this and this is what will drive me to want to read more. Well doneI would buy this novel! Good luck!
I liked the voice. It's clear, it's realistic and I feel what the character must be feeling. If it weren't for the subtle humor, I would feel a real horror at the situation.
Excellent, pacing. No part dragged even though there was very little dialogue, the story moved swiftly. The action was taut and the situation made the pace heart pounding.
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