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Cordelia Delancy first meets Ian while visiting her father one summer. He gives her her first kiss, but leaves the island soon after. Fast forward five years. Cordelia, and her mother, aunt and cousin Daphne, all went on an extended tour, where the girls were taught the things that were required of ladies. There are no more visits to the island for Cordeila. She and her mother live with her cousin and her aunt. Her uncle has passed, and her parents relationship is complicated. Delia, as Ian knows her, vows not to end up like her parents and comes up with a plan. Their first party in London is technically the girls' coming out. Delia is pleased that it is a masked ball. She would like to remain unnoticed for as long as possible. Which isn't very long. She immediately meets Lord Julian Sydney, whose green eyes remind her so much of the young man from the island. He is thinking much the same about her.
This is ONLY a ROUGH DRAFT. I have NEVER let anyone see anything this early, but I'm willing to try new tactics. This is by NO means the finished product. This is the only section I've gotten done so far from the handwritten draft/outline that I'm rewriting as I go. I'll add each chapter as I finish, to give myself some goals. I am not sure yet what exact time in history I'm setting this, but it appears as if this story falls under Regency, which, according to the description are usually a LITTLE less racy. This is not one of those stories. This story is inspired by the music of Lady Gaga.
I love the sweet start to this story. These characters seem real and the writing is superb.
Having Ian try and stay away then unable to help himself is sweet when he confronts her about her birthday. I like that Delia realizes she can live two lives, one with her mom and one with her dad. It's obvious she favors life with her dad.
I love the idea of sharing the kiss then meeting again years later. They're playful banter when meeting again is great.
You write well. Your narrative flows easily. But I have difficulty in believing that the novel is set in Regency England. The most outstanding aspect of a Regency novel is the language of that particular era. Your three chapters are cluttered with modern idioms and 21st century ideas. There is no Regency flavour.
Characters are lively, but do not belong in a Regency novel. Their speech and ideas are 21st century.
I fear the plot will run out of steam fairly early because once the heroine and hero come together romantically, which they have done here, there is nowhere to go, game over. It is essential to keep the lovers apart; create obstacles to their getting together until the end.
The concept of the story is interesting, but the writing is stilted in places. There is a lot of telling what the characters did or felt, instead of just allowing the reader to see the story unfold.
I don't feel like the characters react as people in real life do. The tone is very modern, so the characters don't react the way I would expect people who live in Regency times would have. The author should read some Regency romances to discover if that is truly the genre she is aiming for.
There wasn't much going on for a long time, and very little conflict.
enjoyable beginning, piques my interest; sets up 2 unconventional characters with a back story. My main advice is to avoid cliches in describing them.
too soon to tell although it's a promising start. There's a big gap of 5 years and you'd expect more changes in the characters to have occurred in the interim between their 1st and 2nd encounter
nothing much is set in motion yet except that both have some sort of secret in their past to conceal for unknown reasons. Suspense is good to make the reader anticipate revelations.
I love the magical romance you've created, whether that was inteionally or not, I think it gives your novel a certain charm and I can't help but smile at the interactions between Delia and Ian. Keep up the good work.
I am loving the chemistry between Delia and Ian. From the very first moment of their meeting I could sence both of their conflicting emotions and I'd love to find out how their relationship blossoms. I also like the different affections she recieves from both her father and mother. They mean well, but still, Delia feels incomplete and only when Ian comes along does she feels something new that ignites a passion in herthat's both scary and welcoming.
If you are looking for a name for the in I would suggest something relating to the sea, such as, ‘Ocean View Inn’ or ‘Bottle Blue Inn’ or possibly something to do with the purpose of the scholarly gentleman being there in the first place, like, ‘Hidden Treasure Inn’.
Overall, I realize this is a work in progress and sometimes, it takes time to work out all the 'bugs'. My suggestion -- take it or leave it, considering I'm far from an authority -- is to add a bit more to each scene. Since this is a romance, I want to feel more tension between the characters.
I thought the prologue was a bit choppy and written more from a narrative point of view, so I was a bit bored there. However, by the first chapter, I started to get more interested because of the dialogue. It made the story seem more personal. And, of course, a masked ball is always a nice touch, as it adds a bit of mystery and intrigue.
I didn't really see much going in the way of a plot -- as yet. It's still early in the story. However, in the second chapter, I got a bit lost again as there seemed to be a bit of jumping around from one character to another. The scenes were short and a bit confusing.
Hi Samantha! Firstly, I found your writing easy and enjoyable to read - your grammar and dialogue construction is great, especially for a first draft.Watch out for your use of colloquial language, for example 'banged up' in the prologue. It doesn't fit in the context of your work and wouldn't be in usage by your characters.The 'sword' fight scene has no conclusion, and you jump forward in such a way that it's quite disconcerting - I was expecting at the least a little conversation and maybe flirtation between the two leads. You might want to pull your setting forward to the late nineteenth C - birthday cakes and candles weren't something that would have been around in the Regency era.
Delia's reactions during the sword fight scene leap about much too wildly and abruptly from one to the next. I recognise that's she's a young girl still, but it still feels quite unrealistic and makes it difficult for the reader to get a handle on her and form any attachment when they can't understand how her mind is working.Ian is intriguing, but I'd love to see a little bit more of him revealed than simply his physical desires - again, it's hard to feel for him when he seems a little one-dimensional thus far.
You've packed a lot of fast-paced plot into the opening chapters, which is great. The peripheral characters are introduced well, particularly Christian - I'd love to see more of him as the story progresses.
I think you have a strong start to a story here-- I immediately got sucked in by the characters and the plot. I think the era needs to be more firmly established, though, so that you can work out some of the historical details as you go. For example, in Regency era, I'm not sure how common birthday cakes would be--- especially with candles and matches. Those little things can be fun to research, but getting some of the tiniest details wrong can put off readers who know the era well. I know a little about the time period, but I'm not an expert, so I'm not for sure... research would be in order :) It's also fun to see the juxtaposition between country life and society life for the same characters, but you have to be very careful with British titles, etc. They were (and are still) excessively picky about who could be called what and such.
I think both of your main characters are very likeable straight-off. They have great chemistry, and I like that she enjoys a "male" activity, which sets her apart from other female characters, particularly in Regency. I can picture them easily in my mind, and their personalities come through their reactions and dialogue with the other characters.
I like that the main characters start off their adult relationship with this secret, a similarity that can be built upon as the story progresses. I look forward to seeing what kinds of twists and turns develop as they try to function in high society (and the steamy scenes you promise!) :)
I think the inn should be called Freedom Island Inn beccause it allowed Delia and her father the freedom to live their lives freely. At 22% you seemed to skip from them talking to the stable and then all of sudden avoiding each other without leading up to that. It ddin't seem their first conversation was over.At 66%, I think the Earldom of Rochester. That's what popped in my mind :) At 68%, I didn't understand what you meant by "Other gentlemen? There were no other gentlemen since he had arrived." Who made that comment?I think I missed how Delia figured out that Julian could be Ian. I don't remember him giving her his last name. Maybe it's just me:)Although there are few typos, this is turning into a great story. I am very anxious to see how it ends.
Both Delia and Ian are great characters. I felt sorry for Delia when her birthday came. And ian seems like a very lkable person.
I think the plot is excellent. I want to know how they end up.
I have a hard time putting up a WIP or first draft too, good for you.Naming the inn? I vote a betafish Twitter contest. Name that inn! Otherwise.... The Pink Conch or some other tropical shell or sea creature that would appeal to her father. In fairness, Delia's mother would only have to suffer seasickness to get there, so she's a bit of a baby to live apart all this time with only that as an excuse. It's a one time thing. I'd go with the sea air makes her sick, that's a better excuse, to me anyway. Good luck with it.
Delia and Ian both feel well developed at this point, although I get the feel we're going to have a passage of time coming up and have to rediscover their characters. Or you could surprise me.
I think it's worth continuing. You have a good storyline, characters I can invest in, believable/almost admirable conflict, and a lot of potential in the details. I love that she plays with swords, I really hope that factors in later.
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