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In a time before the Gods, a woman discovers something about herself and the world that will change everything.
This is a short story that blossomed from a bit of world building/sketching I was doing when trying to figure out how things got the way they are in my fantasy series. It turned out being a story all of its own, and more along the lines of a creation myth. I hope to submit to magazines/anthologies at some point, so any feedback with that in mind would be great. Thanks so much!
Poetic. It does feel like a fable. But I'd like to know what happens with the queen and the husband? Just a little something to give me a feeling of closure. Does he come back to his betrothed after his apprenticeship is over? Does he break her heart? Otherwise, very solid short story.
"Cruddy old Queen" seems out of place. Everything else leading up to this is nearly lyrical, and this stands out. The second half does lose some of this poetic speech, almost as if in getting carried away by deep thought, you forget to maintain voice. (I could totally understand that, by the way. It's only watching for it that I felt the transition.)
Well-paced; plot is a little difficult in a short story, but I felt like a lot of the essential information was included and in a way that made sense (her name getting tied in at the end was well done and provided a nice sense of full-circle summation) but I do want to know what happens with Phanes and the queen. Also, the magic used could be clarified just a little bit. When they first spoke about controlling fire, I thought they meant it in more normal human terms (like flint and tinder).
Hello Casey! This overall feedback that I give to you comes from my south american mind. I hope this would be helpfull. I really enjoy your book, you have written a fluent and clear. Your ideia to talk about the beginning of goddes (Chaos) sounds interesting. But I missed more about the rite of the names. Sometimes sounded me disconnect of kaos crisis. However the same heapens at the end with the increased awareness of need of change of the goddes.I had difficulties to understand the role of philosophers, maybe this will be cleared when the plot grow.Good job!
I believe that there is a mixed of fantasy - the plot - and mistery - the Gods. It makes the book interesting. I anxious the reed more.
#1 There is a very good ideia, to write about before gods - There is a whole universe to explore.#2 There is two crisis in your plot: The name fate crisis and the kaos awareness of problem. It is possible that gives to you some problem to reach out the climax of your book. The next few pages will be crucial for you.
This reads like the birth of a god or two. Mabe Khaos becomes the God of Chaos.Phanes, son of Ammon? Ammon-Ra is the chief god of the early Egyptians. Has possibilities.
Like most stories dealing with philosophy it is confusing to read, sort of like a dream without guidelines, one you can't remember much about the next morning. It is a good story, be interesting to see how it progresses
I like the way this goes. No one really knows how the Egyptians come to choose their gods and this seems to work very well.
(First) Two individuals are going through a rite of passage to find their names.(Second) Nice transition. The story has gotten a lot more interesting.(Third) You can see that Khaos' life is not turning out the way she wanted it to. It appears that Phanes dislikes his life too, but Khaos wonders if Phanes will return to her after his prenticeship.(Fourth) Very interesting. Don't quite understand, but I am still interested.(Fifth) The old queen and her family are sealed away in a cave to starve to death... interesting.(Sixth) The family wants Khaos to find another man because they believe Phanes is going to stay with the new queen. Interesting.(Seventh) I think that this chapter shows Phanes' supposed feelings. Also, it is important to show that Khaos is getting jealous and angry like any other human being would.(Eighth) Interesting chapter of philosophy, and it ties in nicely to the story(Ninth) Nice ending. Well done!
(First) The voice is good for this type of story. Very direct and short.(Second) Written well, and I can feel Khaos' confusion in the voice.(Third) The voice lets me know that Khaos is sad, and Phanes and Khaos are unhappy with their current life.(Fourth) Well done. Phanes is upset.(Fifth) The voice fits the chapter.(Sixth) The voice is very urgent and quick. It is a good fit for this chapter.(Seventh) The voice fits the chapter well, because the reader can easily sense Khaos' anger.(Eighth) Very well done. It captures the essence of two philosophers discussing the elements of life.(Ninth) Perfect!
(First) It is an interesting plot. I am curious as to why the betrothed will get in trouble.(Second) Very interesting. It is always good to be creative in the way that only native people's rituals can be.(Third) Interesting in the fact that now I am wondering if Phanes will ever return to Khaos.(Fourth) I has slept with the queen, and once the queen dies she will take all of her other childrens' lives as well.(Fifth) Phanes is fearful of the new queen and her house, and he has already been forced to sleep with the queen(Sixth) The reader sees that Phanes has not come to see her in five nights, when he used to come every other night. Khaos may now listen to her cousin's advice who advises her to abandon Phanes and marry another man.(Seventh) I am questioning Phanes' commitment to Khaos because he told her that the queen is with child, and he hid a smile.(Eighth) I think the purpose of this chapter is to show that Khaos is Phanes equal. However, I am wondering why Phanes left so abruptly.(Ninth) Khaos is speaking on behalf of her namesake, chaos. Her philosophy is true, and Phanes and his fellow philosophers will discover the truth soon.
I liked the story very much, the ending was kind of dark. It reminds me very much of Native American folklore.
Very well written. The first person narrative works will with this piece.
A very unique plot. Reads almost like a prequel that could explain a whole universe. Would be interesting to see how this omnipotence works as it is handed down through the generation,
Exploring the idea of how gods came to be rather than how gods created a specific world is a great premise. However, for a creation myth, this world is too well developed already. The society is stratified, a sign it's been around a while, long enough for various rites and the wisdom of elders to develop. So it doesn't give a sense of wonder, of true beginnings, if that is what you were going for.There are some nice turns of phrase, for example "stars swooped and turned before me like fireflies in a ghost wind." I felt some confusion though. Are the stars outside or inside the cave? They shone bright from the cave's high black ceiling, but earlier "we stood outside together basking in the starlight." I also was confused by references to Heathens (about 13% of the way through), if this is a time before the gods. Before Phanes discovers his name, he is the 'son of Ammon' and the narrator is the 'daughter of Nu.' These are Egyptian sounding, and their village seems to be on a Nile-like river running through a desert. It would be quite some feat to imagine how the ancient Egyptians came up with their complex religious system, but the world as described in this story seems far beyond any primitive beginnings. The village is large enough that the narrator doesn't know much about the people who live past Ammon's fields. What are the philosophies? It wasn't clear to me how the narrator came to her "omniscience" through her study of them.
The story has an great epic concept, and much of the writing sets it long ago and far away, but then the narrator uses "okay" or "cruddy." I'm not at all one who's opposed to using contractions, etc, in high fantasy, but certain words will take the reader out of time and place, and the narrator's viewpoint.How does it make her feel that she helped Phanes develop an interest? Is it she who should be in the philosopher's house?How does it make her feel that Phanes comes to look at her as a near equal? While it's not unusual for women in this world to have power (like the queen), I don't have a sense of how she or her family and society view the narrator's achievments in this regard.
Things happen in this story, but it doesn't really have a plot. The narrator goes into the desert with her betrothed. He gets a name; it takes her a while to do so. Phanes takes up with the queen, but still comes to visit her in her new home on the poor side of town. They have some philosophical discussions then she becomes omniscient, able to control the weather, and every creature could do that if only they knew what the narrator does.There are many promising angles in which you could up the conflict. For example, if the narrator doesn't find her name, she will be cast out and lose Phanes forever. Or she begins to learn how to control things but in the process destroys the village. Things like that would add tension.
"Months" gave me a little pause as it's a very precise word for the timeless feel of the story. Pretty solid right up until the end, where it gets confusing. It's possible you explain too much; the transformation is enough, and if people read your other stories they may fill in the blanks for themselves.
There are some colloquialisms and other word choices ("got to thinking") that undermine the dream-like quality of the narration. Other than that, it's strong.
Very clear right up until the narrator's transformation; then it becomes rushed. I don't understand what her decision is. That might be clear to someone who has read the other stories, but if you publish it, people are likely to read this first.
The title caught my attention right away. I was immediately caught up in the newness of this world. The prose in the beginning created a strong visual image for me and drew me into the story. I'm not sure what type of magazine you would submit to but an anthology of creation stories would be ideal if such a thing exists. I would try to merge some of the discoveries Khaos makes at the end of the story through the entire thing. That to me, is the key.
The voice was consistent. I always enjoy the first person POV and the way in which the narrator tells the story. If you were looking to capture a mythological voice you succeeded.
I was truly enjoying the plot. It moved quickly and I was intrigued by the events. There was always just a little hint of what might happen to keep me reading. However, the transition between the husband/wife story and the wife as god was harsh and abrupt. I found myself wondering if I had missed something. Perhaps, if you have your character glimpsing some of her knowledge through out the story it would work better. An incident where she calls the rain without realizing it and understands it gradually will carry more weight in the end.
This had a bit of a twist that I did not expect. I thought that Phanes would surely wind up staying with the new queen, but you made Khaos a goddess of sorts, giving her control over the people. I really enjoyed reading this story. For short stories in fantasy you might consider Sam's Dot publishing. A friend of mine, who is a published author, suggested them to me a couple of years ago. You will want to correct some things before you submit to anyone though. There is one line that says the rain came down harder and softer. That does not make sense. It could be "The rain came down harder and as we watched it began to lighten up." Something like that anyway since rain cannot be coming down harder and softer at once. I think if you read through the story again you will be able to catch the areas that need tweaked like that. Overall, an excellent read.
You do a great job bringing out the different voices of the characters. And your own style comes through as well.
Interesting plot. I had read the description and kept wondering where the creation myth part of it was going to come in.
You're wriitng is beautiful. I tend to not look as closely at work that seems so great. But I realized when I thought this, my critiquing eye sort of closed. I'm so used to things jumping out at me, mistakes I've struggled to overcome, weaknesses, since I've had so many, it sort of forced me to train my eye for all of it. But your writing is a step beyond my own and I've had to slow down and "look" for mistakes. I believe that every author strives for better, so, I'll do my best to point out possible improvements. But it's not that the writing isn't good like it is, but whatever I find would be to make it even better, in my opinion of course.12 and 13%--When starlight glistened on the dark sand outside, we each raised the sacred bowl to our lips and sipped once, and the water tasted like month old flatbread.I wanted to suggest two sentences above with the first one ending at sipped once. Then delete 'and'. It would read:When starlight glistened on the dark sand outside, we each raised the sacred bowl to our lips and sipped once. The water tasted like month old flatbread. The reason i think it's better is because it adds distinction from the act of drinking and what that drink tasted like. It sort of lost its power when what it tasted like was thrown in with the act of drinking. And for some reason, for me, what that drink tasted like was imprtant. If it's important to you, seperating the sentences offers the distinctioin I believe it deserves. And then, I would start another paragraph with the following sentence: We crawled through the tunnel to the mouth of the cave.The wind rolled silently and lifting them seems almost a contradiction. Wind rolling silently seems to mean a soft wind that is unheard. If it can lift them, then it's probably creating sound.do you need the word [that] in "to bring us up into the wisdom that we sought"A ghost wind. What is that? My mind is trying to create a logical connection but keeps misfiring.And made thinking sounds. Liked that.I'm laughing here. Is Phanes prounouced pains? Or Fanes? Pains, I'm guessing and hers being Chaos? Very nice, if that's the case.I nodded and tried to smile, and did not say anything. For some reason that fell flat on my ears after the way she's been speaking and given the weight of this matter. Unable to speak maybe?He said, "You know that the queen will lay with every man in her house..."I said I knew, and asked if he was confessing.I love the way you did that, but suggest an em dash instead of an ellipses to show abrupt cut off. You don't say anything about him sleeping with her. Are they not allowed yet? I feel like you should say something about it, like you're deliberately holding back things that are burning inside her. Which adds a great deal of unbelievability to this.She kised him on the mouth huh? I almost like that choice of words but at the same time not. Not sure why. Probably because it's anatomical sounding instead of personal, like lips.I'm having a hard time believing that she didn't press him more about sleeping with the new queen. Or at least thought about it to me. Showing this would build believability and sympathy.Oh and that was crazy the way they just sealed up the old queen and all her children. But what's the point of going through the trouble of creating smart kids only to kill them all? If there's some afterlife role in that, then you might mention it so readers aren't scoffing.At 88 percent you need to add dialogue tags every now and again, I find myself having to go back and make sure I know who is talking.And at 95 percent Khaos is truly born, bringing Phane up in her shadow. Or was it Phane that birthed Khaos?Done. Very creative. And it confirms my assumption that all chaos started with men. :)
The voice in the entire piece is distinct and even seems to mature at the end. I think it was good.
The plot...hmm. Throw it in with the rest of the origin of mankind theories. It all requires a nice dose of faith to believe in any of them.It was intimate, personal, but not earth shattering if you know what i mean. More like, "or that, maybe"It's fun guessing.
This was a very, very interesting read. The pace is a bit slow and the writing a bit too mysterious for my liking. However, that doesn't make it any less impressive. I think you show a clear command for the language and you do a wonderful job progressing us through the book. I thought the end was a bit too much of a "bow". Kind of a neat ending to everything you worked towards... the beginning was a bit TOO mysterious, but the middle was a great progression of character and plot and I really enjoyed the read a lot.
The voice is utterly consistent. There are certainly points where you're a bit TOO philosophical and it gets annoying or way too slow for me to read, however you are really consistent.
Again, pretty good up until the end. I loved the movement, the characters and the progression... but helpless moves towards omnipotence so quickly and you summarize through exposition in the final two pages... I was kind of let down. Honestly, this felt like something a teacher might assign for us to read and we know its good and has value, but at the end of reading it we're kind of like... what just happened? I liked reading it, even if it wasn't my cup of tea.Would love you to review and read mine!
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