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The Donner clan is a tight-knit urban family with a growing problem: their oldest son, Alex, thinks he's a vampire. The crisis comes to a head one memorable evening around the dinner table. This is an unpublished short story of dark whimsy and serio-comic horror.
Thank you for reading this story. I welcome your comments and all constructive criticism.
Hi CarlA bit of fun here, and I like the twist. I predicted it early in, then thought I was wrong, so in the end it came as a surprise.I love a twist, but I'm picky about it fitting with the evidence given in the tale. What I mean is, that if I read the story a second time, the clues and detail written need to be consistent with what follows, expected or not, and I had a couple of issues here. Sorry!"But we're working on it, aren't we?" I personally think this line, and maybe one or two ther's are a little maturely worded for a six year old. Just my opinion, of course, and many may disagree.56% At this part of the discussion Mr. Donner proves his point that Alex is not a vampire by making everyone demonstrate that their teeth are human, not pointed fangs. As Alex is seriously trying to argue his vampiric tendancies, not yet going along with the banter, and given that later, they are all casual with the normalcy of growing fangs before their evening feast, I think Alex would use this in defence of his view. I think a less dental arguement would allow the consistency of the story and the credibility of the twist.39% Given that Mr Donner turns out to be making jest with his questions, would he really have such a jumble of desparate thoughts about his son?
I liked the narrative, though at times it seemed a little similar to the pattern of speech of Mr. Donner.
I can't see how the character development could improve without lengthening the story. With this piece, I think it's more about the concept, style and twist, than getting to know the characters.
The idea is good, but overall the story just didn't work for me. I was expecting a twist at the end, although this particular twist seemed a bit odd. I did keep wondering throughout the story, when Mr. Donner is asking all those questions, why he didn't ask if Alex drank blood. On more specific items, I thought there was far too much description interspersed with the dialogue. It make the the dialogue difficult to follow. I also agreed with another reviewer that it doesn't quite make sense to have the whole show of how they don't have fangs, then have them grow fangs at the end.
The voice was ok, although sometimes it is hard to tell whose head we're hearing the thoughts from. Also, the violent thoughts Mr. Donner has at 39% kind of threw me, being so extreme, and doesn't seem to fit with most of the rest of the story.
The character development was good for a short story. Each character's key characteristic (Alex brooding, Derrick annoying little brother, frustrated but concerned dad, etc.) was easily brought out, and how typical those were made the differences of that family that much more glaring.
I could not stop reading this once I started. The end of this really shocked me in a good way. It is a great short story, but I actually would like to read more.
The voice was consistent and strong. As I read the story the voice never wavered.
The characters combined made for a realistic family. I felt connected to the character of Alex and even felt bad that is sister and dad were picking on him.
This was an interesting read. I like that the family is named Donner, considering the ending! However, I thought the ending was, while a bit unexpected, a bit anti-climactic. It makes sense that the family would continue to go about their business since this is a normal night at the dinner table, but at the same time, that's the part that really underscores the absurdity of the conversation, and I felt like it could have been a little more punchy somehow - either really emphasizing the juxtaposition of the conversation and the meal, or really emphasizing the normalcy of the meal so as to let the juxtaposition make itself clear. I was also a little frustrated that after expressly talking about the lack of fangs, everyone's canines turned into...well, fangs. And if they're not vampires or werewolves (and a bit too paranormal to be run-of-the-mill cannibals) - what exactly ARE they? Perhaps not classic horror story vampires, but with stories about nontraditional vampires running rampant now, I was left feeling like they're SOME sort of vampire (which then ruined the effect of the juxtaposition between conversation and event).
I wasn't sure at first whose voice was telling the story - is it supposed to be third-person omniscient, or third-person limited? The further I read, the more I leaned toward third-person limited, as the POV seemed to be mostly from Mr. Donner's perspective. However, there were still sections that would jerk me back into third-person omniscient: "Anticipating another entertaining blow-up between his brother and sister...", "That irritated Melinda." Cleaning up some of these phrases (or, alternatively, adding more of these types of phrases throughout) would help to clarify which voice you intended to use for this story.
The characters were developed into almost stereotypical roles (easily entertained, still-egocentric youngest brother; broody middle child; snarky, annoying older sister; head-of-household, maintaining-appearances father; and housewife mother), which works well for a story that is trying to establish normalcy only to introduce a not-so-normal twist at the end. If it weren't for the reference to 21st-century teeth and Derrick's very modern t-shirt, I would have pictured a 1950s kitchen/dining room, with Mrs. Donner in a dress and apron and Mr. Donner in his suit from work. It was a little odd to go from Mr. Donner being so formal in his conversation with Alex to getting absolutely silly when they started talking about werewolves, but otherwise the characters fit the idea that this is could be a conversation taking place in any household just before dinner.
That's very kind of you to say, Nicki, but I think that most of us feel real trepidation and uneasiness when reviewing the work of others. I know I do! I'm trying to get away from replying point-by-point to other's criticism; that can come across as defensive and argumentative. But I think your comment re: fangs--is a good one. I may need to devote an additional clarifying sentence or two to this pointed matter. (Heh! Sorry. Couldn't resist.);)
Sneaky! I did enjoy the twist at the end. After all vampires are the 'cool' ones, apparently even to werewolves...There are some repeated words - corpse-eating corpse at 27% and 'puh-lease' twice in one sentence on the last page.
I liked the way the father was patiently trying to bring the boy to admitting the situation, while the situation was kept hidden from the reader.
I enjoyed the family dynamic with the giggling younger boy and the oh-so-sophisticated sister. Alex does accept what he is and moves forward.
Excellent story. The ending came as a nice and welcome surprise.
The voice was good at portraying a nice normal cozy family. This was critical for the ending to work and it worked very well.
Character development was good, especially considering the story is short and set around a dinner table. The dialog was well-suited for the characters, except for Derrick, who seemed initially to speak at a much more mature level than I expected from a 6-year-old. Not much room for action but what action there was, was well-played. The characters are pretty standard, but that works very well to set up the twist at the end.
Wonderful. The interrogation between the father and son had an intese air, giving the uncomfort it's own life. The ending was very good, especially the exclamation of "hemoglobin-activated carnivores" I was very entertained by this tale.
The vocabulary and descriptions painted the picture of your story wonderfully.
I love how Alex wanted to define who he was by how society viewed him, and tried to explain who he was in less scientific terms.
I believe it was Robert Bloch who once said "I have the heart of a small boy....in a jar on my desk." After reading a few of your works sir, I must say that you too have the heart of a small boy, only yours can be found in a hand-packed container of tutti-frutti ice cream in your freezer. BRAVO!
Perfect. I cannot think of a thing to say other than that.
Perfect. I will however, decline an offer to dinner should one be offered.
I was told that for some reason traditional publishers don't like when a book starts with a dialog. The reason is a reader doesn't know yet to whom to assign the voice. The story is great, I like stories with twists.
I read your second piece and must say I like your writing. You hyphenated adjectives are fresh and punchy.
My favorite is Mr. Donner's moments of self-control and Melinda's puh-lease.Great work.
Wow...just wow. I really am at a lose of words. I didnt expect the ending and it was such a shock but it tied everything up ever so nicly
Perfection and ery down to earth but also very family like aside from being canabals :)
The characters took on their own life for sure as I kept reading...poor Alex. Poor woman
This is a really fun concept and a quick read. The story whole-heartedly surprised me with it’s twist, and I’ll admit gave my stomach a little twinge (a good thing, as that’s the effect I think you wanted!). It also made me chuckle, again, intended, I assume. ;) I’m not sure what your plans for this piece are but I don’t think there’s enough meat here (no pun intended LOL) for a longer work. It's a fun little short and I think it's best as such.I did struggle with a couple things as I read, particular the point of view used. The writing doesn’t feel like omniscient to me, yet there is a lot of head-hopping going on. I wasn’t sure who to follow and what should get the most importance. I think the piece would be stronger with a set POV that helps the reader more clearly define the story as a whole.On a more nit-picky note, watch your comma usage throughout. There are multiple places where commas are used incorrectly, which tripped me up at times. But then again, I’m a super-comma-sensitive freak. :-p
I found the voice here to be casual and engaging, while still being clever. Your choice of words is very careful, I can see, and it pays off. I do think, though, that at times the language gets too descriptive and sentences start to become run-ons, which affect the flow of your voice. I got tripped up a number of times so look for natural breaks in the writing so that your voice feels more cohesive.
I like the familial dynamic you’ve created in these pages. It’s a realistic dinner-table scene with believable characters. But I don’t feel like I’ve gotten to know any of them as individuals. I can’t pinpoint their ages, don’t know their wants/needs/obstacles, and can’t determine who the protagonist is supposed to be. Mr. Donner jumps out at me as having the clearest character, though keep an eye on his voice, as it varies throughout. Sometimes he sounds really British (ex. “Pray then?” and “elder son”), and since Melinda used a fake British accent at one point, I’m assuming he is not. ;) Make sure your characters are clearly depicted so the reader doesn’t have to guess so much. Obviously there is much about these characters--or rather, one important thing--that you don’t want the reader to know yet and you’ve done a great job of masking that. You’ve led the reader down a path very different than the one they thought they were taking but the reader’s sudden realization of this only makes the story more entertaining.
Alright. So, I've started reading this a few times. The first line was interesting, but I didn't get hooked. If that' makes sense. Maybe shorten the second line (describing Melinda's voice) or chop it up into two lines so that the reader doesn't trip over it? Other than that, I think this reads really well. The pace is perfect.. I think one more close edits is all it needs really. (there are a few small typos/grammar issues... I noticed them but forgot to write them down... sorry!)
I like the colloquialism... the informality of the voice. It works well for the story. in fact, it sort of reads like a halloween short for a cartoon/television show. A la tales of the crypt keeper or Goosebumps/Are you afraid of the dark?/Simpsons halloween specials... Again, I think it just needs one more read through to find any places that might catch the reader up (like the 2nd line of the first page... mentioned above).
I think it was RJ Blain that mentioned the one dimensionality of the characters. I'm inclined to agree. If the intent is to keep this as a short, serving as a stand alone project for a themed anthology of some sort, it works well. If you felt like building on it - I can definitely see this being used in a novel... even with the flooded market of vampire novels.. Basically what I'm saying is the the one-dimensionality of the characters is excellent for this short story, but if you were going to write another short story or build on the story, you'd need to make them less stereotypical. If that makes sense... Hope this helps! :)
Greetings!This was a very amusing read. It held my attention all of the way through. There were a few moments of laughter (also good) but there were one or two spots where I had to go back and read or wonder at why you selected the words that you did.One of the most predominate examples of this is where you used 'gag a corpse-eating corpse" -- I am not sure I can say the reason I don't like this phrasing is more than personal preference, but after the very good representation of a family argument coupled with a healthy splattering of the supernatural. I like your punchline, although I have to admit after being so pronounced in decrying the idea of vampirism that the reality of their situation didn't really come as a surprise -- funny, yes, but not really a surprise.Overall, an amusing read. I think with a few swipes of the polishing cloth, this will definitely be ready to be submitted to a magazine or other venue for publication.
The voice is very strong with this piece -- for the length and type of story, this works. I'm all for not breaking what isn't broken and this isn't broken. Good work.
Honestly, I didn't feel like the characters did much of a development through this piece -- it is simply too short. That said, you made excellent use of stereotypes to paint a good picture of the standard family. Unfortunately, the only character I felt was really round was Mr. Donner, but even he was a play off of a stereotype.That said, this is the sort of development necessary for a piece this long, which you pulled off very well. You have a lot of hidden meanings behind the names, which is very interesting and you manage to pull off a good deal in a short period of time. Good work.I think you should just read this over a few times and start submitting it -- this is polished enough where I don't feel that it should be lounging in a critique group rather than piling up rejections and getting swipes with the polishing cloth.
A very good short-short.I'd like to see POV screwed down a little more tightly in a story as short as this. I think it would draw readers into the yarn. The heart of this piece is the dynamic between Alex finding himself and the father happy to supply the information over the static of pop culture depictions of vampires. He might react in any number of ways over the course of the conversation: weariness, anger, alarm, fear. . . after all, Alex might do something that endangers himself -- and the others. He might feel like he's in a struggle with culture for the safety and identity of his son -- an emotion many parents can empathize with.You're doing a dark version of Twilight's Cullen family here, and I think you can have a lot more fun with it. Where are the kid's battle scars -- you can throw in some dark stuff once you've done your reveal, maybe the youngest had an arm half torn off when the other two were playing catch by throwing her over the roof and the scars are still disappearingIt gets kind of static during the Socratic analysis of the boy's vampire self-identification. While it does draw attention to the good dialog (and leaves plenty of elbow room for a stage director, I suppose) it was a bit talking heads for me. Ideally, a family should be a bit of a team with everyone doing something to prepare the meal. With this group, again, you could go all Dark Cullen and have a lot some fun with the kid's dinnertime chores. They could be laying out the linens (or putting down drop cloths or opening up the trapdoor to the lime pit for disposing of bones and whatnot, of course letting it build toward your reveal).And speaking of that section, I don't know if the Q&A about teeth works, because there are a lot of pop culture vampires whose teeth extend in that fashion when it's time to bite. Alex could just as easily use his teeth as evidence for his vampiric contention and might be of an age where a smart-alec answer would come easily.I think there's room to give us some idea of the victim's identity: prostitute, runaway, Jehova's Witness? Perhaps some personal item could be present as a sort of garnish. There's a phrase in culinary school: you eat with your eyes first. It would make your normal family that much more evil and add to the shock value by giving the victim a touch of humanity.
Readable and suited to the story.I'm not sure the "greasy chin" on Mrs. Donner works. You don't get much grease out of even fatty flesh without heating -- rub some bacon on your face pre-cooking, not much of it will come off -- and they're eating their food raw.BTW, if you Google "shopworn bromide" you get pages and pages and pages of results. Don't know if that's the definition of a cliche, but it could be flirting with it. No biggie in the middle of the story, but I think it's a weak punch for an ending.
(For the record, I wish this section was called 'Characterization' rather than 'Character Development') Since the POV eventually settles on Mr. Donner, more or less, I'd like to get more ideas on his frustrations with Alex and their source. Is he angry with pop culture for putting all this crap in his son's head? These sorts of battles with kids rarely get fully resolved, it's more like a temporary victory in a long campaign. A year ago it might have been insect-eating in public. Next week Alex might want the family to talk to reality television producers.The kids were all fun and appropriately boisterous. You have some wonderful opportunities with Mrs. Donner that you don't really exploit, I'd love to get more of this blood-splattered hausfrau's flair for Ghoul Home Economics.
Good stuff. Simple, engaging plot that doesn't throw in a lot of extraneous detail to slow it down. I admit that I expected a twist ending of the type you provided, but it wasn't bad. Felt quite a bit like an old EC comic plot. Now, I do think you might have overdone a couple of elements. First, the beginning felt to me like there were too many descriptive phrases as well as similes. Nothing necessarily wrong with that--especially in a humorous story--but I felt a little overwhelmed. Maybe you could begin with a few paragraphs of the basic dilemma and then come in with the descriptions and similes, just to keep the pace.
The characters are simple but well-delineated. It was easy to picture the archetypes you provided and didn't bog down the pace. They weren't too in depth, but worked well for the length of the tale.
Once again, the length precludes any in-depth development. For the level you could develop them, it worked.
This is so readable. Love it. I'm struggling to be constructive here.
Strong, unique. The characters all sound distinct, which is great to pull off.
I was struck by Mr Donner - he starts out seeming typical, gets almost mean toward Alex as the teasing goes on, then the family laughter pulls him back in. The rest of the characters don't really move much.
Now, as a note before I begin my comments, I must say that I am a little sensitive to stories involving the theme of vampires since I happen to have a prophyria, or a disease that has lent many its the "symptoms" to the vampirism mythos. As an example, I feel like I'm on fire in the sun, so when it comes to fanged features, I'm a tad stand-offish.That said, I love this story! Its the perfect example of how familial relations and the supernatural can be combined. I had to read the part twice... well, where the twist begins, to make sure that I had gotten it right. I love how you describe the family at the end. It is unlike anything that I have read so far regarding blood soaked fanged creatures that didn't make me want to roll my eyes and use it for trap shooting. (Save Christopher Moore's Blood Sucking Fiends and its sequels. You really must read them.)There really isn't much in the way that I can complain about to be honest. The only thing that made me scratch my head what what perspective you were using, but that didn't really become relevant because you're voice established it. I must say that this is though out quite well.
Your voice is well established as having this story telling quality. I want to say that I can almost hear the narrator telling this story to someone else. Good show! Although I would like to see what this situation would be describe like through the eyes of Derrick. If you want to practice writing from a child's perspective, that could be a fun exercise.
All your character fit the generic suburban family picture, which makes the ending far more disturbing. I like it.
So, I'm going to go stream-of-consciousness here. As I read I'll write comments if something stands out and go from there. I apologize, this tends to make my reviews longer and more like peer critiques. Second sentence is a little full. I'd split it up.I love Derrick. Absolutely, LOVE him. HOLY SHIT! - Sorry, there's no other way to phrase the reaction to the ball-gagged young woman. That was awesome. I almost want another innocent "hee hee" from Derrick to punctuate it at the end. Carl, I have to say, this was a delightful read. There are times when the prose is adjective-heavy. I'm all for colorful description, but there were some sentences that had an adjective for every noun. The twist at the end was epic. I didn't see it coming at all. The only time my suspension of disbelief clicked off: the end where our morose would be nosferatu admits (before his ridiculing sister and parents) that he just wanted to be special. I'm wondering if his admission could come in a different, less head-on way. Otherwise, this was delightful. Too fun! Thank you so much for sharing.
At the beginning, the voice seems unsure... a little professorial for the conversation between two adolescent siblings. You hit your stride, though, as it moves along and I get more of a "proper" vibe. Each character has his/her own personality that really shines through in the dialogue and mannerisms. Well done.
I think the most drastic arcs are from Mr. and Mrs. Donner. She goes from a bumbling June Cleaver in the kitchen to...well, June Cleave-Her. (Which, by the way, just makes me giggle. What WAS going on in that kitchen?) Dad? He's the worn out patriarch trying to dole out wisdom and settle a sibling dispute then he's a cannibal. As I said above, the only problem I have with Alex is that he seems to have come around awfully quickly, but then, this is a short story.
I think Mr. Reed could write a series of books with the Donner Family and their lives. This is the first adult version of vampires and werewolves that I've read in awhile that is captivating
This story had all the makings of a Twilight Zone episode. The banter with the family members is great.Although Miranda is being chastised for her British snobbery ...Mr. Donner sounds like Sherlock Holmes in his interrogation of Alex
I liked the entire Donner Family, but I thought that the Alex character should have had more of a speaking role as to why he thought he was a vampire other than"I just wanted to believe..well, vampires are cool and you know and all" Melinda was a character i really wanted to see the the author explore
Ha ha HA!Great surprise ending. I like the detailed obnoxious normalcy of the family that of course isn't normal at all. I like that I'm just about SICK of the obnoxious normalcy of the family when the surprise comes. I think the writing is wonderfully descriptive, but perhaps a teeny bit too purple (I'm not sure: can purple-ness describe adolescent portrayal?) I mean that there are several places where you use two or three adjectives and I really think one would do. Even within some of the dialogue -- I know dad is a bit long-winded, but he's a little TOO long-winded -- you could tone it down and still get the same feeling across. Example: "gloomy, cobweb-festooned, ancestral" -- pick two. Dad's also a bit over-convoluted in speech, which makes him a tad hard to follow. It's OK to call teeth "food grinders" and "pointed daggers", but in the next sentence I think I might back down a bit from the curly prose and say "Derrick, let me see your fangs."(I love Derrick as the "runt of the litter")Also, when dad's really going at Alex -- towards the end -- I feel like he's a little TOO nasty, which is maybe his character (werewolfy?) but not very fatherly. I mean, he's teasing in sort of a non-dad way. I guess I might consider toning that down too, just a little. Like, if my folks had called on my younger siblings to gang up on me to prove a point (even if they were right) I would have found it hurtful. So the teeth thing is OK, but when Melinda chimes in "duh" after the castle bit --which any self respecting teen would -- perhaps dad could silence her? Showing that he cares about Alex's tender wolf-feelings? (Ha!)(There's another purplish spot -- why master-mesmerist? why not just "mesmerist"?)Oh -- a little too much listing of literature here -- I get the idea that Alex reads vampire novels. I know them, too, I don't need each one listed with author. The extra (dry, boring) words could lose me. One or two examples will do.I'm nit-picking here because overall I found little to complain about. Fun, silly read!
Lots! I'm sure not reading a textbook! I don't feel much author intrusion here -- I feel Mr. Donner (his POV) which makes the overall story a little wordy. Again, I might tone it down just a bit. But perhaps that's a kind of reverse compliment: it's VERY voice-y!
Good, and each character has their own: sulky Alex, long-winded, pedantic dad, disdainful Melinda and pain-in-the-neck Derrick. You've done a good job in a short time giving us a picture of each character.I wonder about having Alex slur his speech a little. He speaks incorrectly, so when he says: "I don't have to say nothing," it almost reads funny. He might say "I don't have to say nuthin," instead. Or, "hafta". I don't think it hurts to sprinkle a tiny bit of that stuff here and there.
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