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Elle Eastgate had no idea she was applying for employment at a brothel in New York City. Captain Harcourt had referred her to The Dovetail. She had never met the man, but his First Mate assured her she would find what she sought at the address on the missive. She needed the money, more importantly, she need a roof over her head until she could secure enough funds to return to France. She had to prove her innocence in her husband's death, bring the real culprit to justice. Five days of sexual servitude was a heavy price to pay, yet she had to expose her father-in-law for the devious killer he was.
(No author's note)
The reader stumbles into an almost pornograohic scene, although its not quite clear whether the author really wants that effect. You want to draw a strong character, at the same time a slightly sick one (not because she misses sex, but because she thinks its OK to be violated by others). I don't know, it diesn't quite work for me.But there is sexual tension!
The voice could be more defined, the character isn't too well drawn in the first chapter. She is going on about his sexy mouth, why? She doesn't want to be there, just learns that she will work in a brothel, a woman who has been married before, and doesn't leave screaming? Why?
Hum... The character needs to be more defined. Is she a sex addict? Is she strong? Is she a broken woman? It diesn't come through in the first chapter
Good plot! I liked the story. Great start! Nice idea!
Good, overall I liked the voice. A little informal for the historical genera, a few phrases and euphemisms could be edited out to change this.
Liked it, just would have liked to read more physical description of Mrs. Eastgate. And I'd like his eyes to be like blue stone or water. Eggs from a robin was distracting.
For me, the overall story, while still in its early stages, was rather intriguing. There is always some sort of story out there about a woman having to sell her body after falling on hard times, but you give this historical a twist by adding a blindfold and a group of members, almost as if it's a club of deviants. I would definitely be interested in reading more!
I thought the story was starting out rather smoothly and I enjoyed the interaction. There was a lot of sexual tension, both from Giselle's thoughts and the description of the male MC. While there is only one chapter posted, I thought it was right on target for a steamy romance.
Giselle is a likable character. She is both the proper lady, but with a dark, sultry side. She hates the fact of what she's about to do, but yet, is excited about what might take place. The mysterious propreitor, while he was pretty vague, made me want to find out all his deep secrets. Very nice!
An interesting premise and a great writing style, but the pace is jarring. I would suggest more backstory is required before introducing the brothel.
I like the voice, it has a clipped, formal feel about it which suits the era.
As another reviewer said, the reader doesn't have a chance to feel any sympathy for the main character. She has obviously travelled a hard road, but because we start with the scene in the brothel we have no reason to think that she *shouldn't* be a whore.
So this is the third book in romance iv read which gets right to the dirty. It has erotica in the first chapter, which is usually not the case.(atleast in the few ive read)But it nearly skips the romance section and goes right into S&M.Heres my beef - Usually you want the readers to care somewhat for your main character. She is placed in a bad situation which seems like there is no other alternative than to succomb to a brothel.She therefore has some kind of internal conflict where she actually wants this unfortunate situation to happen. But her main goal is to go back home so that she can settle her bad name and maybe get what is rightfully hers. But back in that day it would have been very hard to undo the things that we are supposedly determined to know.
Its a good overall voice which has a sense of that time period.Because its a place that we know and have seen and heard about (like in Gangs of New York) We can already see a gritty city which doesnt need to be shown too much .A little more placement as to where she is exactly may help but may also be shown in other chapters.
I dont see myself liking someone who has no self respect. Or maybe she is very narcissistic in that S&m kind of way?Maybe you will have more external conflict with an interesting massive climax. (all puns intended) Im guessing it would be massive with such hardcore erotica. I do also realize that she is like the very strong woman who gets what she wants no matter what. I dont really know what to say that would make it better- another chapter for me to read maybe.
Overall, this excerpt has the bones of a good story, but I'm afraid it lacks too much specific detail to really grab me as a reader. New York ought to be a raucous, smelly, chaotic place, challenging the senses at every turn (think Gangs of New York), but here, it's hard to really get a sense of place beyond what the narrator tells us. Show us the details! Really let your character observe her new surroundings! Dig deep into historical maps and city directories for hard facts that'll lend legitimacy to the narrative.
The voice has great potential, but doesn't really grab me. I think more specialization would help the cause, and would inform her background and her motivations. See Parrot and Oliver in America for a good example of how to pull this off.
I'm afraid I'm not really sure the character changes much at all, but if this is a novel-length work, that's fine--too early to really see evidence of character growth. Still, her inner conflict about how she feels about the contract she is forced to sign could use a little more fleshing out.
I want to critique this only to say how much I loved the beginning and want to continue the book! I wish I could be of more help here but your talent is obviously far above mine, so I will simply endeavor to do my best. Thank you for sharing. Beautifully written, great pacing and detail. Very intriguing story, I already want more. What a fantastic yet believable beginning, definitely a great tease. Well written.
The voice is good, I can hear her, I understand who she is, and how she feels. The POV is great, the terms are all correct, there isn't anything to pull you from the story.
Only a few words about the proprietor and I want more so well done there. As for her she is written well, I think some simple tic or nervous habit might draw me in more, she is obviously in a situation that is beyond her, many people would do something, rubbing her thumb and index finger together or some such thing. Just to bring us closer to her. Obviously just an idea. As is I think her character is well done.
Good setup for a story that is sure to be rife with tension and intrigue and excitement. It's the sort of plot that will keep readers turning the page just to see what happens next. I assume this book is headed in the erotica direction, so I understand you probably want to get to the action right away. But the pace is so quick that I think there are a few weak points in the plot that make the characters hard to get to know.I can believe that the sheltered widow of a gentleman is intrigued by the prospect of a different sexual experience, but I find it hard to imagine that a woman in dire straights, with no money and no friends, is suddenly excited by the idea of being naked and helpless in a roomful of strangers. If she is, I think we need more back story. And, regarding back story, I think it's awkward to start the story midway through the heroine's conversation with the proprietor. If you start it when they first meet, it will help prevent confusion. Plus, I really want to see Elle's reaction before she reads "the terms" and then realizes what the Dovetail really is! Seeing how she reacts to that news will speak volumes about her character.
Be careful to avoid having characters speak like a narrator and not like a real person. For example: "You'll hear the clink of metal; restraints for your wrists and ankles." I can't imagine anyone but a poet saying this - and the proprietor hasn't revealed himself to be much of a poet.
You describe the father-in-law "evil," and I would remove that. I think you want all your characters, including your villains, to be fully realized characters whose motivations make sense to the reader. An evil person can do things just because they're evil, but they aren't as enjoyable to read about, or as believable. Also, the mysterious Captain character doesn't make a lot of sense at this point, which I'm sure will be revealed later, but I'd like to know why the heroine trusts him and assumes he "had her best interests at heart," particularly since she never met him. Is she naive? Gullible?
I find the first chapter a nice page-turner. I like how you gradually pace the revellation of the personality of the characters and how you leave enough suspense to follow up later in the book.
The overall dialogue is great! Since she is French, a little more foreign flavour will work magic.
I find the character development is well-paced. I personally would like to see a little more internal monologue of hers, which may reveal her deeper psyche.
Nice job. I really liked this piece, and I'd definitely keep reading past this point. The main problem I had with this first chapter was with the exposition. The question-and-answer session seemed forced--I would think either that Elle would refuse to answer, or the man would be too discreet to ask.The main thing that we need to know at this point is that Elle needs money fast to avenge the death of her husband, and that she's on the run from her father-in-law. I'm not sure what Captain Harcourt has to do with the story at this point, but you spend so much time discussing him that I expect he'll play a big role. I think that you could get away with a briefer mention, maybe laying in a hint that he'll play a big role later.Instead of a big infodump telling us about how she was directed to the Dovetail by Harcourt, check out half-way through where you tell us that ingeniously, in Elle's voice. "How many evenings had he and his officers enjoyed a good laugh over the ruse?" It's well done, and you've got a good knack for slipping informational tidbits to your audience. Don't let that talent get hidden behind more clumsy exposition.Can't wait to read more from you.
I thought that Elle's voice was very strong, and I would have liked to see you confine the narrative voice more tightly to her POV. Does that make sense? You have two narrators, really, Elle and the Omniscient Narrator. Elle's voice is so vibrant that it makes you yawn a bit when the O.N. is talking about what's happening to her. Get rid of him and let Elle tell her own story with her own unique flavor.A few times where you repeat an idea in several different phrases, such as "How dare he send her to a brothel, to an abode that engaged in sexual servitude, one teensy notch above outright slave trade?" The reader knows what a brothel is, no need to tell us that they engage in sexual servitude there. I noticed this elsewhere--try to cut that sort of stuff out when you see it.
I got a good sense of Elle's character through her dialogue and actions--she seems to have a good sense of humor, as well as being quite self-aware. If she had been a weaker woman I'd be pretty squeamish about where the story was going, but you presented her as a woman who was strong and determined, and the effect was rather hot. You briefly outline the details of her husband's death and her father-in-law's complicity (and like I said in Overall Feedback, I don't think we need to know any more than that at this point), but the sense that i got was of a stock villain. I imagine you flesh out this conflict as the story goes on, but I'd love to see you throw a barb in your initial introduction of the conflict that makes the reader sit up and think--"ah, now that's different!"
This has the potential of a very good story. I hope the proprietor bids on her!
I like Ms. Diablo's writing style. Its very engaging.
I would like to know what the proprietor feels about Elle, but maybe I am jumping the gun :)
I love reading historical romance - especially from the 1800s. I read the whole chapter in just a few minutes, it drew me in right away. I am so eager to read more chapters and see what happens.
I truely enjoy the voice of this chapter, how you have written it, with the descriptions, feelings, dialogue and thoughts.
Hard to say anything about this after one chapter, but Elle seems like a solid character.
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