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Having been possessed for seven gruesome months, Corinna Moss is beyond grateful when a man exorcises the demon and sets her free. Her freedom is short-lived, however, as both Heaven and Hell desire to know what that demon was planning and will do whatever it takes to get it first. Aided only by a small band of demon-hunters, Corinna must fight to keep her world safe.
While I know the book centers on Heaven and Hell and other religious content, I would like to warn you that the stories and characters in the book are my own interpretation and are in no way supposed to be accurate to the Bible or other religious text. I myself am not religious but find the stories fascinating, so please try and keep personal beliefs out of your reviews. Also, I am currently going back and fleshing out characters and descriptions that are lacking, so be prepared for revisions to previous chapters.
Very interesting!.. I like the angel demon hunter plot. Your writing is very well. I my opinion you got a winner
I like the plot very well!. very well put togeather and well thought
I really like how this flows, it just goes right into the whole story no breaks or lapses it just flows...
Suspenseful and moves at a good pace. Could see it being a hard-to-put-down book.
I like that you don't tell too much, you keep the story moving and you tease the reader with what's next.
I didn't notice any issues with continuity. I think it moves along pretty well without issues.
Be careful with word use e.g. 'a farm colonial' should be 'a colonial farm' and 'she laid' should be 'she lay' (the chicken laid an egg while it lay in its nest) 'seat for' should be 'four' - you need to do a lot of serious checking! Read it aloud and you might see what I mean.
I like what I've seen of it. It has the makings of a good story. There are enough hooks to make me want to know what happens next and how things pan out. The hint of what might be coming will hopefully develop in the full story.
Not quite sure what to say here. The story so far seems to flow OK
Overall I love it. I think you should slow down a little though and add more details, it is really fast paced. I like the storyline and how you just dive right in. I hope you write more soon.
What excatlly is the plot? Is it about the upcoming war?
I think it flows well and is easy to read. Its not choppy and jumpy and stays on topic.
It's a very easy read. Well paced, and interesting. Just remember to keep to one POV per scene.
The plot raises questions to keep you turning the pages.
Hope you post more soon. I would love to see how everything turns out. Just remember to answer the questions that are raised at the beginning.
Intriguing idea. It makes me wonder if demonic possession is fairly common in this world. Corinna seems to take Wryn's abilities for granted which leads me to believe that this is true. I'm wondering if Corinna is going to throw her lot in with her new friends, or if she doesn't, what it is that sends her off on her own.
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Hi C, There is a great deal about your story that I admire and relish! Awesome job. You are a great writer, have a really fresh, interesting premise, and a compelling main character. I felt propelled right into the middle of the action with the book opening moments after Corinna’s exorcism. While it successfully grabbed my attention right off the bat, it was also a good way to get to know her as a heroine. Her reactions to the traumatic experience of the possession were raw and unadulterated and gave me insight into Corinna’s character. I enjoyed reading the story from her POV, and I think it works really well to depict her trauma following the seven months of demon possession. Her instinctive distrust of other people, the panic attack at 22%, and her unwillingness to talk about the months of enslavement all establish her vulnerability really well, and are actually consistent with trauma theory! Great job here. One main concern of mine that I wanted to flag is the courtship plot. At their first encounter, Corinna and Luke have very little chemistry. I actually had to reread that scene to make sure I’d correctly identified him as the hero. Also, this is a personal preference (so feel free to take it with a grain of salt) but Luke’s expletive, “Ow! She fucking bit me,” as his first line of dialogue, rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps a bad first impression will be what keeps the two MCs apart over the course of the book? Still, I was looking for more description of Corinna’s feelings during her first clash with Luke. You can make the physical interaction – her biting him and him knocking her to the ground –more suggestive of the romance to follow by infusing the scene with some more details about Corinna’s disordered feelings, Luke’s facial expressions, etc. What is his first impression of her? I feel completely shut off from his perspective. You don’t have to describe his feelings, especially if you want to stick with the 3rd person singular, but you can at least give the reader a few more clues as to his attitude and emotional state. As far as Corinna’s POV is concerned, in this first scene, we only get a physical description of Luke as she is sizing him up. What about a few hints interspersed through the description that would intimate Corinna’s involuntary attraction to him? This is just one way of doing it, but you can approach it in many different ways. Showing some sparks flying during the hero and heroine’s first encounter is essential yet could be tricky, because you want to demonstrate the dormant potential of the romance blooming but not overdo it. Exaggerating the passion too early will ring untrue. Which brings me to another really important aspect of the romance plot: conflict. If the two characters will resist getting together for the next 300 pages or so, you need a believable obstacle or conflict that will keep them apart. The scuffle in their first scene together is a good beginning but no real impediment to the courtship plot progressing. Think bigger =). While Luke has the makings of a great romance hero, what with his athletic build and all :P, I wanted to know more about him as a person. His characterization needs a bit fleshing out. Except for the handsome exterior, I didn’t get any real charisma or magnetism from him. You’ve done such a tremendous job forging Jacob and Nora’s characterizations through dialogue; perhaps you can let us know Luke a little better by having him participate in the conversation more actively. At the dinner table scene in “Confession,” for example, you place Corinna between Blake and Luke. That is such a great set-up for some hero-heroine parlay, and I was surprised you didn’t take advantage of their physical proximity to show them interact and converse.I felt like the setting was realistic and well wrought for the most part. Because of the dynamic opening scene which introduces the heroine and her savior, the demon hunter, you were able to establish the rules of the fictional world early on in a helpful way. I wish there were more details though about how Corinna found herself in the vicinity of Jacob’s home and some more exposition about the city/town where the story is unfolding. You do provide the state, which is good, but I wanted more. Also, I felt as if there wasn’t enough background on the demon hunters. The relationship between husband and wife hunters was nicely laid out through the story of how they met and got married, but what about the other ones? How and why did they organize themselves in that fashion? Is hunting a profession or a side thing? Are demon possessions rampant? By thinking about these questions, you could perhaps decide on what else to incorporate in setting up the paranormal world (MANY demons vs. fewer, known to the public vs. unknown to the public, etc). Another aspect of the paranormal worldbuilding that I think needs some revision was the characterization of the demon, especially when Corinna first stumbles upon him (45%). To me the language you used to describe him did not evoke a specific visual image: “I walked by it and the shadow took shape. Nothing too detailed, just an outline of a person. And then… Then it passed through me and I blacked out.” On top of the vague language, the scene seemed a little rushed, and you could remedy both these things by adding in some preliminary dialogue or interaction between the two of them somehow. Why was she the victim in the first place? Corinna’s horror of being possessed didn’t quite register. See related questions in the “Continuity” field.Overall, however, the story was gripping and enjoyable! Let me know if you need me to extrapolate on some of my points, and I’d be happy to follow up with comments.
I find the plot really interesting on two levels. First, the concept of demon possession and “preventing a demon from getting hold of a journal that would enable him to escape hell” is intriguing. (The good vs. evil conflict reminded me of the last season of Lost – extra points for that!!! On the other hand, keep in mind that the magical object trope (e.g. the journal) has been somewhat overused in the fantasy and paranormal romance genres, like in Harry Potter, for example). Second, I think you’ve deployed the plot elements really well, with a nice pacing. The opening scene with Corinna coming to after the exorcism, followed by her story about the truth about the possession, pulled me in right away. I liked how you still withheld some of the key points about the demon’s motives too – it really piqued my interest. Then, the hunters’ dramatic run-in with Corinna felt really realistic. It made total sense that she would be very suspicious of strangers. The plot twists regarding the demon’s mission as well as Corinna’s epiphany that she’d have to help the hunters track down and stop the demon were great. One thing that I didn’t buy, however, was Wryn’s psychic abilities: it seemed like a deus ex machina device to forward the plot. Or perhaps I was unconvinced by how quickly the hunters realized Corinna’s importance to their quest. It made me wonder, was it accidental that Jacob bumped into Corinna and realized she was possessed? Did he actually have an ulterior motive for saving her? It just seemed like too much of a coincidence that a couple of days after Corinna turned up, Wryn had a vision about her fighting the demon. See some other questions that popped up as I was reading in the “Continuity” field. Here, I want to reiterate and expound upon my comment about the romantic plot. As it stands now, these pages read a lot more like an urban fantasy than a romance. If you want to stick to the paranormal romance subgenre, I think you need to really amp up the emotional attraction between Corinna and Luke. Corinna’s eyes “lingering on Luke” (69%) is a nice and subtle indication of sexual interest but not enough to start off a blazing passion, really. It is super important that a romance novel centers upon the relationship between the hero and the heroine, following their trajectory to a Happily Ever After so the reader can experience their emotional journey vicariously. I’d also advise you to include a chapter or two more that develop the courtship better/further because I feel like I can’t give you a fair review based on what I have so far. (Sorry if you’ve actually implemented some of this into the subsequent chapters.)On the other hand, if you decide to switch to urban fantasy, you can easily do so, with a slightly bigger emphasis on world-building aka demon mythology.
The story ran smoothly and with a nice degree of suspense to sustain my interest, and I was clear on the story, setting, etc. most of the time. One set of questions I have, however, are about exorcism and hunting. As a member of a coterie of hunters, Jacob must have a lot of experience with exorcism, and he seemed really surprised about the length of Corinna’s possession, which was seven months. This made me wonder, how long do most people survive for? Also, what makes Corinna so special that she managed to survive for so long? And, is there a particular reason why the demon targeted her? How do demons choose a vessel in general (e.g. is it about physical strength or a different factor)? These are some of the tidbits that confounded/intrigued me. Making sure these kinds of things are clear in the reader’s mind will help the pages move more seamlessly as the reader won’t be pulled out of the story to wonder.
You write very well. I'll do this as I read so I can point things out when I see them.At 10% you have a slight POV slip in the first paragraph, where he shakes his head "in disbelief." You could say "apparent disbelief" so we stay in her POV and it doesn't sound like his.While I'm thinking of it, I'll throw this out there. I wonder what the exorcism scene would have been like. Had you ever thought of starting the story there to draw the reader in more emotionally?Suggestion for deeper POV, at 22%, first full paragraph, last sentence, you could try something like--"Screams of the tortured ehoed in her head..."Same section, "Corinna sat up, a sudden anger now present." Could do better to show rather than tell. Did she clench her fists or grit her teeth, did her body tense, etc?At the beginning of Shadowman, 24%, you shift from Nora's POV in first para, to Corinna's in the second, then back again in the third. Saying "they decided" in the third, takes it even further by presenting both Grishmans' POVs at the same time. Then at 28% you shift to Jakob's POV, then 32% back to Corinna's, etc.Some of your tags like she said, she murmured, etc. come after you've ended a quote with a period and are capitalized. If you're going to use tags like that, you should end the quote with a comma and have the tags lower case. But you could do away with them altogether and rephrase the sentence to still tell who is speaking. I think you could do away with things like "Corinna shouted" or "she demanded."If you haven't done so yet, it looks like you're writing at a level where you're ready for a critique group to help you get to that next step. Or at least a good critique partner. There are a lot of little fixes that would be too much to try to put on here, but a line by line crit could do that.When I say that, it's a compliment. It means your writing is closer to where it needs to be than a lot of others, but the little nuances that need worked on will require more personal attention.
I had to stop before I got to read Confession due to time constraints, but with what I'd read to that point didn't show anything much to do with a romance plot. By 3 chapters in, there should be more to go on with that if you're going for a normal romance. Now if this is paranormal with romantic elements, that's a different story. You're fine then.
Continuity seemed fine with the story you're presenting, but, like I said, if you're going for a true romance, there isn't anything there to pull that in yet.
I like the way the story starts right after her possession. You're getting us right to the plot. I would like to know more about Corinna though; why SHE was chosen, or if it was completely random.
Just a few little things. If Corinna remembers everything, then she would also remember being taken to the farmhouse, etc., but she seems confused about where she is. Also, she doesn't seem too concerned about returning to her life. Does she have friends or family who are worried about her? Are the police after her? Is she a missing person?
I was not prepared for this! You come off as such an upbeat girl, yet this story def has some darker themes-which I very much enjoy! I like the subjects that you are exploring, and I appreciate the disclaimer at the beginning.
I've really enjoyed the plot of the story thus far, though I felt it began very suddenly. Through it was an interesting hook, i just though it was really abrupt. However, I like how the plot is developing!
Things so far have been flowing well, and I think that the chapter transitions work well. Your book is not as much about concealing things; Corinna is pretty straight-forward, so I think that the straight way that you tell the story, and how it flows quickly, was a good choice.
It's a great start. I felt a little too much about Jacob and his wife and not enough focus on Corinna. Corinna is the star and she passively took in the family like it was completely normal. I wanted to know more about Corinna. Overall though great start and I'm goin g4 stars. I'd read this.
The best part. It's the story telling that drew me in.
This is hard to say. I want to read this, and hope to be enthralled. The chapter dove into other characters that I don't care as much about. But I do love the idea. I hope she kicks butt and takes angel and demon names.
Great start. Enjoyed the mock up of the different characters. Particularly liked the little insights/teasers into what it feels like to be possessed: The abilities a possession can give a normal body ie the jumping out of a bedroom window, and also the things denied to the human body like sleep! I'm very interested to see more flashbacks into what Corinne knows/did as a slave to the demon as the story progresses. Top job! Are you/have put any more chapters out? I'm very new to the site (joine today!) so still getting my bearings
I get the story premise very well. No sure of the plot yet as the exerpt hasn't given me enough of it, but mystery sandwich...i''ve definitely got a mouthful of that and it's yummy!
Pacing was good for me. The characters felt real, talked real. I'm a UK writer and while i'd like tofeather my own Para-romance with expletives, especially since one of my character is extremely coarse, I've been warned against it for the UK publishing market (the prudes!) so thank you for throwing in a well-placed and realistic 'fuck' in your opening chapter! One little thing...but it did stand out for me a bit: Corinne doesn't half bite her lip a lot? I would have liked to have seen the same emotion shown differently each time. But hey, I know i'm guilty of doing the same thing, it was just interesting how it stuck out for me. In the big scheme of things it's no big-y though
I really liked what I read. As an editor, I thought it was crisp, as a writer I loved being surprised and as a publisher I would be proud to have one like this in the stable. Keep this one coming, I'm hoping you'll tell us when it is out? I would buy this.
I really like the premise and your not dumping it all at once is wise. Not a religious type, I find this premise fascinating and love the personal take on it. Maybe I missed it but I'm not sure how our heroine knew Wryn wanted to interrogate her?I'm sure much more is to come but as it is, I would buy it. I'm sure it will be a fab read provided the details keep unraveling and the story continues as strongly as it has begun. Mind your thinness of detail though. If you don't bring more on soon it will be too obtuse to hold a reader for long.
Started strong and kept going. At times it is too fast, I like a lot of character. Your physical descriptions are scant but that is some people's style. If so, cool, if not, you might want to flesh them out to draw a picture.
Very cool! On the plus-side: Nice to start the story after the exorcism; that left me curious about what happened and this lead up nicely to the final part introducing a "battle" and an agenda from "Bael". Also, where Corinna admits she will tell "everything" pulls this reader forward. Also, in general the simple language in description works. On the "non-plus" side: I'd be careful about some of the similes and lines like "wave of panic like a shock wave"...maybe a few more specific details about Jakob and Nora's home and Corinna's real condition after the possession could make it feel more real. Maybe she has more than just dark circles under her eyes? Maybe wounds? Tattoos? Scars?
As mentioned in my overall notes above, I liked this opening. This is the first Book Country ms. I've looked at ... and it's VERY readable. You might want to have some kind of vivid moment that captures WHAT the demon actually does or did...but then again, maybe that comes later. I also like that Corinna is somewhat stuck between the demon that just left her and the hunters that want to know more about how she lasted so long.
All in all, I enjoyed what I've read and will read more! My only immediate note on pacing is that this first part is very vague about the actual events of the possession and the exorcism, if this is on purpose and more will be revealed, that's fine...although some lurid/vivid/scary details or ominous hints might propel the story forward. Thanks!
This story reminds me a little of The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Great job for your first novel! Perhaps start with how it felt to Corinna to be exorcised - it would be gripping detail, give info on her personality/situation and strengthen your voice...although I think 1st person would work better.A little wordy in spots - She took a sharp intake of breath...her skin was ghostly white, almost like thin paper...tighten to: She inhaled sharply and winced...her skin was like thin paper crinkled darkly under her eyes...etc.Why do Jakob and Nora accept that Corinna can't tell them what the demon wanted? And why can't she tell them?
Good pacing except this genre is paranormal romance. Is your hero going to appear soon? He should show up in the first three chapters, the earlier the better.
Why doesn't her demon have a name? After 7 months, it's odd she doesn't know it.
I love the first line. It really grabs your attention. Make sure to watch your punctuation. I noticed a few instances where it was improper, but those can be easily caught with editing. Overall I loved this story and I want to know more about the universe. I'm definitely intrigued.
I felt it was a bit awkward the way Jakob introduced himself. Maybe have Corinna question who he is instead of him just offering? The pacing seems good, with the actions not feeling too rushed.
So far the continuity is fine. I'd need more of the piece to judge if it's keeping on track.
Interesting and catches the attention right away.
Excellent. I know its only a subjective opinion but I like that you jumped right in with both feet.
I'd need to see a few more chapters to really judge this but I think you'll be fine.
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