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Satrine Reiney needs to make twenty crowns a week to support her daughters and invalid husband. With a forged letter and fast thinking, she lies her way into an Inspector position with the Constabulary of her old neighborhood. The catch is she gets partnered with the outcast of the stationhouse, Minox “Jinx” Welling, an eccentric Inspector and an Uncircled-- and thus untrained-- Mage. Their first case together—the ritualized murder of a Circled Mage—brings Satrine back to her old street corner and her childhood nemesis, and forces Minox to confront the politics of Magic that he’s avoided. As more Mages are found dead, Satrine must solve the crime before her secrets catch up with her, and before her partner ends up the next victim.
I've only uploaded the first three chapters, but this is a complete novel. This is the latest draft after a round of worldbuilding tweaks.
Fantasy is not usually a genre I'm comfortable with but as this was also listed as a police procedural I thought I would give it a try and I've found it to be excellent. I have really taken to Satrine and her situation as well as her determination to succeed for her family. I also enjoy the setting very much. As a Londoner so many things ring true in this, including the attitude of people from the northern shore to their country cousins from the southern suburbs.
The dialogue is punchy, to the point and realistically rendered. The formatting of sections of dialogue is also excellent.
As I said above the setting is wonderful. For a non fantasy reader it's great to see an alternative world that's so grounded in a reality that I know well with a number of features, architecture, people etc that I can immediately visualise in my mind.
This is fantastic. Please, please write more. Your characters really come alive on the page. I can picture Minox and Reiney very clearly, and you conveyed a very nuanced sense of who they are quickly enough to move the plot on to the action. Reads like a police procedural, but much more interesting because of the world it's set in. I would really love to read this entire book.
I thought the dialogue was sharp, and worked for each character nicely. Well done.
It has a great feel so far, East End London meets traditional fantasy. Would like to know more about the world at large.
Reviewing as I go, so please keep that in mind as you read the review. And of course, it's all opinion, so take what works and toss the rest!I really like the opening sentence. It is a great foreboding introduction to Katrine's journey and her secrets. I don't think you need the repition of the lie...feels a little contrived. You start to lose me a little with the introduction of some of the culture and geography.If you are goign to take the time to introduce some setting elements, I would like to see more sensory details about the places mentioned. I think this would paint a clearer picture of where and when the story takes place. One of the main things that is lacking for me is motivation. I get that Katrine's husband is laid up, perhaps becuase of some noble thing he has done, and that she had a family to support. However, I have little emotional connection to any of these characters, and little knowledge of them at all, so I have a hard time buying into the 'risk' she is taking by doing what she is doing. I dont' know what she really cares about. If you were to give us a even a brief scene as a glimpse into her family life, what things look like after her husband's accident, what she has to overcome, earlier on, I think it would strengthen Katrine's objective in the reader's eyes. For instance it is one thing to tell the reader the entire family will be on the streets and possibly starve, to show us those streets and the cruel reality they present creates and emotional investment that at this point the story is lacking.Once you move into the scenes in the Constabulary the pace finds its footing and the action moves along nicely. The case is certianly an interesting one and your characters are engaging and sweetly flawed. But the unanswered question is "Why?" Why would Katrine take this risk? Yes, she needs the money, but show us for whom and why those peolple are so important to her.A few little things I noticed...5% You have 'Constabulary' in three sentences very close together, Perhaps when describing the coats use the color detail again. Just a suggestion, to avoid over-use of the word Constabulary6%- I am a bit confused as to who is speaking at the begining of this dialogue.72%- 'Something about ...' This sentence either got lost in the formatting for the site or is just not finished.
Dialogue was great. It paced well, for the most part didn't feel contrived, and flowed naturally. You do a great job using their dialogue to establish their chemistry and relationship as partners. In the middle of chapter two it began to feel a little like Sherlock Holmes and Watson. A pleasent witty banter feel, that was fun to read.73%-This is the only place where the dialhue got a litlle dicey for me "This case....remained untouched." This is a long bit of dialogue and feeles a bit contrived. I also am not sure who is speaking it."Leppin..do you...out"- also unclear on who is speaking.Katrine has just been handed the spikes so is she taking them or him (the body) to the examinarium?
In the first chapter I have mixed feelings about the setting. For me, personaly, it would help to work setting into the story. I like that in a read. So I appreciate that you give us some setting as a backdrop. However, what you give us leaves some bigs gaps in the picture. You mention several geographical locations but there is no apparent difference between them, or even much sensory description. I did pick up on it being cold and Katrine is wet (I am assuming from rain) at this pint (chapter one) I feel like I am given a few details but not enought to paint a clear picture. The walls are grey, stone, iron and it is a pretty gloomy place. But the rest is left for me to fill in the gap. I think you can work in setting through sensory detail and perhaps even through dialogue, in a way that doesn't make the story drag or pull the reader out of the action.The details in chapters two and three are more satisfying because there is a lot more action going on and you give us more sesory imagery in the dialogue and in the scene.For chapter one, I would suggest either getting into the scene sooner and getting the setting to the reader through your characters' sensory experience OR filling out the details of the setting a bit more in description.
I find there's too much setting in this opening and not enough story. Suggest cutting the bulk of setting out. The sentence at the end of paragraph one, "the Inemar Constabulary House, on the south bank, might as well have been in another city." just feels out of place and without purpose. I have no clue of this location, what is the south bank, where is North Maradaine. And south bank is a location to sometihng I cannot visualize. Unless you drew me a map, it's just south of something. I know south, but that's all I know. And there is no point in giving me the location if I can't ascribe attrubutes to it. You'd be better off saying the city was on the top point of the triangular island. By giving me the shape of the city, I can visualize better. I'm just going to remove what I think is too much:Katrine Casey walked to the Inemar Constabulary House carrying a lie. It gnawed at her, every step she took across the (two?) bridges to the south side of the city.The lie would pass. It was wrapped up in enough truth to pass. The wind whipped past Katrine, cold and riddled with wet. She pulled her coat tight around her and quickened her pace, overtaking a horsecart that trundled along one side of the bridge road. Katrine turned onto the Upper bridge, hating everything south of the river. But she had to go. And if all went well, she would return to this place tomorrow, and every day after that.The setting is no longer choking the story imo. And you don't need anything choking the story in the opening page. Get me completely invested in what she's doing before you begin rooting me in her setting. I'm not sold yet on the story to be fed too much setting. In other words, I don't know yet if I want to even read this story, and setting doesn't help me decide that.The choreography of her shoving him to the cobblestone then growling in his ear seems off. Maybe she could do it against one of the nearby walls? And you might want to say where she's carrying this lie. Is it in her coat pocket? Maybe mention it early on.The procession into the building at 7% isn't the best story material. It's setting, I know, but still, I'm not invested in her cause, (because I don't know it yet) to care enough to put up with it. The meeting with the boy was different, it was character development if nothing else. This is just descriptive setting and needs to be trimmed way back imo.okay, from the moment she steps into his office, the story gets rolling nicely. I hope you cut back some of the setting and save it for when she's leaving maybe. And I like your character so far. Very very nice ending to the end of the first scene. I was ready to quit reading until I read that last line, lol.Mirrell looks at Katrine in the eye for the first time on 34% and again for the first time at 36%Miss Plye came around hte slateboards before Katrine had a chance to finish her thought. (It was already shown that she didn't have a chance to finish her thought, no need to repeat that :)I'm stopping at 40% due to time but wanted to submit my review now. Get to the crux of the story as fast as you can, don't linger in the setting details until your plot is well established. Because once you get me to the plot, I'm in for the read because you've convinced me by then that I will definitely want to read about the first woman inspector partnered with a mage, a very intriguing mage. The setting details need to wait till after this happens. Give as few as you need to until we reach the meat.Your characters are fun and interesting. The dialog was good but be careful not to give too many action beats in dialog when the conversation is interesting and should be moving quick. When you're conversation should be quick, keep the action beats very brief and of few words for pace sake and tension. Save the more descriptive action beats that reveal character for the slower parts of the conversation.Well i gave everything I think about dialogue and setting here. It's just the easiest way for me to crit, sorry. Will definitely come back and read the rest soon when time permits. Nice job.
hello how are you, must type something so i can rate this.
and more nonsense typing so that i can rate you because it won't let...ah there it is.I'm giving you 4 stars on setting because a lot of your setting was really good, once the story got going. It was just the opening where I found the setting to be misplaced and unserving of the important pace of an opening.
I think it is well thought out. great story line. there are formatting errors i believe that are placing no spaces after sentences causing quotation marks in wrong places so the story can be a little off in reading, but it is very good. honestly i wouldn't change anything in this story except the formatting issues.
there doesnt seem to be a perticular pov to me but several, I like the way it works in this story.
I really am not sure what the difference is between the voice and the point of view in a story so I am not able to fully review this aspect but like i said i wouldnt change anything.
Greetings,After quite a bit of time has passed and I know you've done some edits to this since I've looked at it, I'm back again for another round. I'm going to dig in and be a little more thorough this time since you've had a chance to consider the broader points mentioned by myself (and others) since the original posting.Chapter One, Scene One :: I mentioned this in the original review, but the opening section to this novel still feels very week. The repetition of the word 'lie' really doesn't work for me. We got it was a lie and how she felt about it in the first paragraph. Every reference after that got old very, very quickly. I don't view this as a voice problem because it doesn't really happen again once you dig into the real plot. The first section has a lot of promise, but I feel that there is a lot of telling and not nearly enough showing. You tell us that the Captain warms up to her, and that Katrine has a gift for that sort of thing -- it is good characteristics to know, but I'd really rather see it in how the Captain warms to her -- started of suspicious, relaxes and eases to more easy-going -- you don't have to tell us a character is good at workin' people if you show it to us.Also, there is a lot of information in here that I do not feel is needed to set up your initial chapter. All of the regions that you mention do not mean anything to me right now, and frankly, because they aren't immediately reinforced, I'm not going to remember them until later, when it's important, and you need to remind us of them anyway. Perhaps if it tied directly in to what the characters are doing, it would make a lot more sense. Culture is great to have in a world, but unless it is -directly related- to the plot at hand, it likely shouldn't be in the opener scene unless it becomes an absolutely critical part of the novel... and quickly.Seeing that this is about her proving herself to be capable of being an Inspector, I think it would be best left being cut.Chapter One, Section Two :: This chapter had much better pacing. It was a lot more hooking in how you present your characters. This felt a great deal more polished than the first, a battle of wits that actually has tension. You have all of the markings of great dialogue making in this chapter, though I would like to see just a little more descriptions here. I got a little - but very little -- imagery of the people that have such great dialogue.Chapter Two, Scene One ::The first thing that jumped out at me was what I feel are grammar errors in the first paragraphs of Chapter Two. You try to bend / break the rules of grammar here by dropping words (Ands, Thes, etc) and succeeded at making the reading of it choppy. It feels like you're struggling with description through here, trying to paint a scene, but at the same time, it feels like you're hesitating on using full strokes of the brush.Take your time with the descriptions. Don't mince and cut out words for effect -- I don't feel that this worked. It didn't read naturally, and I'm not sure it would sound natural if it was read out loud. I totally understand wanting to use choppy sentences on purpose for the dramatic tension, but I don't think it worked in this case. The descriptions just ended up feeling stilted to me.Here is a perfect example of showing versus telling. You tell us the body was gruesome, do some light filling in.Once again, once you move into dialogue, you progress much more naturally through the scene. That said, I would really like to SEE characters reacting to the heartless corpse. That isn't normal, and that is something that can even turn the stomach of a hardened individual. I just didn't get sucked into the drama or tension of this obviously interesting corpse. (Nails and spikes are also totally different fish. Use Spiked rather than nailed into the ground during your description, makes a big difference on meaning.)Chapter Two, Section Two ::I have to admit, I really don't like the way you start Minox's point of view in this section. You just tell us things we already know. We know he pulled mages out of the barge, we know this death was unusual. Cut it, its unnecessary and it doesn't really add to the drama and tension, in my opinion. I would like to see a sense of immediacy and Minox's worry -- not just passive commentary about things we already know.It improved as I got further in, but there was still a bit of distance that made it difficult to really connect to Minox. That said, I feel that this character really does have a lot of potential. I get a Sherlock Holmes vibe from him, which I really like -- it just isn't quite there yet.Chapter Three, Section One:Doesn't blood congeal and dry after 15 to 30 minutes, slightly longer for a larger pool? I don't think the blood would still be wet at this point... especially not after the time of discovery and the time it took for them to eat lunch.Definite improvements in your tension and linking with the character here. That said, I think that your final paragraphs could be stronger. A physical reaction to the name -- more than just a shiver -- might be appropriate here. A shiver is just a minor apprehension.. but if you state she wants to go so far as never hear it again, then make the reactions match the mindset -- tight throat, cold sweat, quiver in her hands. Your characters *reacting* to things will show us a lot more than you telling us these things.Overall Comments ::This was about the point I started to drop out and lose a little interest. This is in part due to my inability to really get behind the characters. Great dialogue -- however great -- only carried me so far. I really want to be sucked into this story, and part of me wants to continue on, but this is realistically where I'd stop reading if this was a book I had borrowed or purchased. Why? I just couldn't bring myself to *care* deeply for Katrine -- she dives right into serving her due as an Inspector, but her worries of her family -- and the major point of conflict, randomly disappeared. You mentioned them as if it was a stepping stone to bring her into the life of an inspector and then she promptly forgot about her kids, her family, and what would happen if she COULDN'T solve this mystery. I want to see her worry, I want to see it interfere with her efforts to inspect. I want to see her struggle -- you have a great case here, it is interesting, it is different, but you lost Casey's motivations along the way.I am going to rank this piece in general three stars -- your strength in your POV definitely makes this very promising -- you're *almost* there in so many aspects but you haven't quite nailed down the immediacy that really draws me into a story.
Chapter One, Section One ::The Point of View remained stable throughout this part. I didn't get any sense of shifting to the Captain. However, that said, I didn't get a real sense of Casey on an immediate level -- I think this is due to your habit of repetition of certain aspects of how she feels and what she is about. I would like to see Casey's POV become deeper and more active in tone.Chapter One, Section Two ::The POV once again remained very stable. There were no discrepancies that I noticed in the character or the POV, so there isn't much more to say about it. Good work.Chapter Two, Section One ::POV remained stable, still feel distanced from Casey. Needs more immediacy in my honest opinion.Chapter Two, Section Two ::Good POV shift, we know immediately who is in control of the POV. That said, I really don't feel a link to Minox at this point. The distance of your POV from the characters was noticed with Casey, but it is really pronounced with Minox in this section. I think a little deeper into your descriptions and taking just a little more time in your transitions and direct reflections will make a big difference.Chapter Three, Section One ::Good POV shift back to Casey. Once again, good use of dialogue.Overall :: Your POV switches have definitely improved since the last time I read this -- good job!This is definitely the strongest part of your story. There needs to be more immediacy, more depth, but you stay true to the POV of your characters and you give them different tones and voices -- it could be improved but it is getting there.I am ranking this three stars -- however promising your POV skills are, it wasn't enough to suck me into the story and force me to keep reading until the very end. It needs more depth in my opinion.
Chapter One, Section One ::Overall, you have an interesting voice. That said, like mentioned in the POV section, I felt there were quite a few times where you take on a more passive voice. When she is with the Captain -- the most critical portion of this section -- I did not feel like I was sitting beside her as she struggled to pass the lie over the Captain's head. If you master this, I think your hook in the first Chapter will truly be established.Chapter One, Section Two ::I felt that your voice dramatically improved in the second scene of this. You dig in and plow through the scene -- the tension -- and the drama while keeping the plot accurate and consistent -- at least so far as I know. Your strength is definitely in your dialogue, and your voice came across as more confident when you focused on your characters expression themselves in their words.Chapter Two, Scene One ::At this point, my thoughts on your voice relating to dialogue versus description still apply. So many opportunities to suck me into your world through descriptions, and I feel that your specific style of voice just falls short in that field right now. Once you get better descriptions, I really think that your voice will really come together.Chapter Two, Section Two :: Your voice remained fairly consistent during this section, though the things that bothered me through the earlier ones still do. Not much more specifics to say than that.Chapter Three, Section One ::I liked the voice here the best, you have interesting characters and it really feels like you were making much more efforts to get into Casey's skin. Not quite there, but I feel like you were making a stop.Overall ::Your voice was, perhaps, the weakest link in this story because of my feeling of detachment from your characters and the way you handled the descriptions. This is supposed to be a mystery. Mysteries are in the details. Because of this, I feel as if I can't give this more than two stars -- perhaps in another genre, I would be able to up it to three -- but you present this as a mystery, it reads as a mystery thriller type, and it doesn't have the descriptive voice of a story of this type. You have some stellar dialogue, a great, interesting case, but you I don't feel there was enough attention to the details. You reveal a lot through dialogue, but that isn't good enough for me as a reader -- I want to see you dig in, pursue those tiny details your characters notice, have them notice them and THEN talk to each other about the things they see -- if Casey doesn't notice something, her partner can talk about that -- but show us Casey noticing these things. take it to the next level. Then, I feel, that your skills with your dialogue will be better matched with your descriptions and really make your voice stand out.I hope these comments are useful for you -- I want to see this story succeed because I feel that it has a great deal of promise!
Your one paragraph description of the story was a very good back jacket blurb. I began reading with anticipation.The opening hooked me. Almost right away I perceive Katrine as brave and outside the conventions of her society as she carries a lie wrapped in truth across a bridge. Did I misread or do you hint there's something magic about the bridge? If there was, it needs to be at least a little more explicit. If not, I'm sort of disappointed. In a fantasy, I want the world's magic or the hints the author gives about it to grab me right away. Some nice tension with the young man who tries to force himself on her as a guide. I assume you have plans for him later. Even if you don't, you have an opportunity once Katrine shakes him for her to reflect on him and the rules of her society that made him feel free to accost her, the risks to her for going it alone, etc. So, no magic bridge, and no magic so far as Katrine makes her way to the Constabulary. The fantasy world is not much in evidence, except for the fact that there are mages in it. We soon meet one in Inspector Welling, however we are given no interesting details to help us picture the mages of this fantasy world as opposed to any other. What is the most important power they exercise? How do they fit into the society?The sparse descriptive details make it almost seem like late 19th century London or New York (until Katrine strips while reenacting the crime, but more about that later). I would like more good details that give a sense of what things look like, smell like, how are they different from our world. Katrine sees a horsecart, ok, good; but what does she see when she looks at the city? The dark tower of Maradaine State U for Mages? The ruler's palace? How are the crowds of people at the end of the bridge dressed? What's the weather like at the moment? Threatening? What kind of a climate does this place have? I.e, Katrine is wearing a light coat that doesn't keep the chill off, and she's hoping she'll get a nice, heavy wool coat when she becomes an Inspector.On the whole, though the world does not come to life on the page for me, the story has a lot of promise. You wouldn't have to do a lot to make it real. As suggested above, more physical description like the horsecart to give us a feeling for the place. Also, add more details such as the marriage bracelet, little things that will tell us about customs in this world. Tell us about the Ch'omik or Imach people, and make it clear why we should care that Idre's children belong to many tribes. It's a great opportunity to set up the societal conflicts that will surround the mystery of who is killing the mages.
The switching between two points of view works. Katrina: A good protagonist in a tough situation. The reader gets a sense of Katrine's unease with her lie, but wouldn't it manifest itself a bit more in her behavior with Cinellan? Could her hand shake when she picks up the tea, for example? As you reveal bits of her story, she becomes even more appealing, the way she's a woman trying to care for two daughters and a disabled husband. You might up the ante here by making it more difficult in general for women in this society. Donald Maass says however mean you think you are being to your protagonist, make it much, much worse. What will happen if Katrine doesn't get this job? They'll be out in the street, and she won't be able to afford the expensive medicine she needs to keep her husband alive, and her only other option is prostitution?Oh, and by the way, is there a way for mages to cure her hubby, but a reason that all the ones who belong to a circle won't, but Welling might be able to? But it would have some terrible consequence if Welling does cure him?Oh, and hey, what about Katrina's kids? Are they in Maradaine Happpy Time Preschool day care at the moment, or is grandma taking care of them, or are they old enough to get to school on their own, but she worries about them walking home alone? Must she hurry with this interview, because her husband needs some crucial medicine at a certain time? Welling: A promising character, with conflicts of his own. Rude, brilliant, quirky, i'm seeing that guy who plays Sherlock in the contemporary series on PBS. Two out of three partners dead? Wow, that should give Katrine pause, but you don't give us much of a sense that it makes her nervous. Also, Welling becomes too nice too fast. It would give the whole story that additional sub-tension if his interior thoughts include impatience, irritation to be stuck with a partner, not because she's a woman (he's brilliant but open-minded?) but just because it makes him positively queasy to work with anyone, resentment of the other inspectors, or normal people, in fact, and tantalizing bits about why he's not in a mage's circle.
The voice comes across to me as more modern, maybe because the physical world has not been described well. Also, that bit about Katrine taking off her clothes to reenact the murder. Yipes, that seemed inconsistent with anything I'd imagined about this world. So I don't think this book has a consistent personality yet. Here I must say that the dialog between Katrine and Welling sometimes makes them both sound like simpletons, which I'm almost certain you do not intend. Just to give an example, about 67% along, Katrine shows Welling the sewer grate and he says "Are you proposing the killer entered through the sewer or escaped?" Or, "Victim is likely a mage, and the spikes of a mystical nature." Around 32% along the questions and answers also seem obvious.A stylistic thing: I was just at the Backspace Conference, where in the opening pages agent-author seminar, the agents stopped reading a participant's opener as soon as they hit an exclamation point, and stressed that shows lazy writing. There must be some other way to show the emphasis, or else don't emphasize the point where it is used.
You give us lots of details about the world right away - but it's not overwhelming. And of course, I'm wondering what Katrine's lie is, and why it's so important. Your sentence structure feels awkward at times:at 8% - "Katrine went up the steps, running her fingers along the wall, her thoughts filled with the paper that felt like it was burning a hole in her coat pocket."fingers, filled, felt. This gives the sentence a weird rhythm, and is distracting. And the passive "was burning" slows things down.I noticed a lot of typos (missing spaces, missing words, missing question marks, commas instead of periods, etc.)excellent pacing.
The third person works well with this story - intimate but withholding information.I have a really good idea of Katrine - her personality and appearance - but details for other characters and some of the setting is lacking. You give us descriptions the first time we meet somebody or see something, but don't continue to remind us of those descriptions as we read.Things start to get more detailed with the introduction of Welling, but then we lose the emotions of Katrine to these details.The more I read, the more I wish it was in First person, so I could get a better idea of what's going on in Katrine's head. Then again, that might be part of your plan, for the reader to be always wondering why this, and why that.I like when you switch to Wellington. Things become very clear, and the story comes alive. We get a different look at Katrine.
I like Katrine's slightly arrogant voice. Her frustration with Inemar are clear as well. I wish her fear/nerves on the way to the Constabulary was stronger.Love the bit about the tea :)I wish we got more of Katrine's reaction to Welling when she meets him, and when she starts talking to him about the unsolved case about the assassin and the two horse patrolmen.Voice flows very well when you follow Wellington.
Starts off well, and is absorbing but starts to slow down a bit around 80% and those last scenes could be condensed a bit. The Sherlock Holmes feel of it works, but they almost get on too well...Jinx is obviously the kind of person who annoys everyone, and she takes it too easily. I'm interested in it, but not as drawn in as I should be considering it's a murder mystery.
Close 3rd mostly seems to follow Katrine, but shifts suddenly to Jinx at 54%. Works better sticking with her, I think.
Voice is good; close 3rd can be tricky that way, you don't want to merge the character's voice too much or you might as well just write in first, and an intrusive narrator voice is just confusing. This stays just about right, but isn't particularly distinct if that's what you're going for.
Salutations,I'm doing my review bit by bit. As I come across something I see, I took immediate notes. So the review isn't really summarized, but more listed in the order that I came across things.First line. I felt like "walked" felt too ordinary when she's carrying this lie. After reading the entire paragraph, I kept looking for something in her posture to tell me more of how this lie was affecting her. All I'm getting right now is that she's afraid of getting caught by a specific person.First paragraph. The words "truth" and "was" are jumbled together. There's also no spacing after periods. I'm going to assume that's a formatting issue though."The lie would pass. It was wrapped up in enough truth to pass." -- Felt a little redundant to me. Maybe it's the overabundance of the word "pass".You say that Katrine hates Inemar, or really everything south of the river. I keep expecting more of an explanation on that bit, but don't ever get it. Feel a little disappointed. Then again, if this is a main character, that would leave room for development and revealing just why she hates everything south of the river.I'm curious why she predicted the tea would be awful. I went back to find a stray thought to explain this, but didn't find any. I think just a single sentence on why she thinks the constabulary would have bad tea would provide a bit of insight into Katrine herself.Minor typo: Welling winced noticeably when THEN Inspector addressed him, but responded politely. Then should be "the".Minor typo in first line of chapter two. No space between the words "a" and "different".The paragraph describing the dead body at the beginning of chapter two. You were building tension in how gruesome it could be, and I feel like the paragraph doesn't quite live up to it. Instead of mentioning the missing heart in the very first line, I would suggest keeping it in the very last. That way we get a feel for her looking over the body, and then are more shocked when you make mention that he has a giant hole in his chest and no heart. The accent you did for Leppin is, I'm assuming, supposed to mimic something like a Cockney accent maybe? Either way, it feels sort of phoney to me. It could be my personal preference to not actually write out accents, but take this as you will.Overall, I enjoyed the story immensely. It was a fantastic read, and I very much look forward to reading more of the story.
I enjoyed Katrine's point of view far more than I did the mage's. The mage comes across as too stiff and almost boring at times, and I found myself having to re-read over passages because my mind would drift and I would start skimming. I feel like maybe his personality is having a hard time matching up to Katrine's. She feels like the stronger, more interesting character who displays more emotion.
I enjoyed the voice, but at times it felt a little... I hesitate to use the word "sterile", but something very similar. I feel like there were key parts where description was missing, and it left me wanting more and feeling disappointed. I keep looking for more glimmers of insight, body language, smells, touch, etc.Otherwise, I enjoyed it. Sometimes it just felt a little straightforward to me. However! That could all be boiled down to my own personal preference.
Hey Marshall,This is solid work. I think solid is a very good word to describe your prose style. Your world is very solidly constructed. You give the impression that you've thought everything through--a very good quality in a mystery/thriller writer. You have a solid plot. Solid characters. What's killing the story for me is the near absense of emotionality in your writing. And the near total avoidance of metaphor and simile. A good metaphor is a great source of emotion in a book. Your one stand-out is a fine example: you say at one point that Minox "filled each word with a deep ocean of long-standing, embittered anger." Now, that's feeling! In the context of your otherwise, frankly, dry prose it does seem lonely, however. Also, it must be said, "long-standing, embittered anger" is redundant: long-standing anger is by definition embittered. When creating an image with two adjectives and a noun, I like to think of each word like the points on a triangle, three distinct points like landmarks on a journey. In the instance here, it's as if the three words are all on a straight line--long-standing leads to embittered leads to anger without any surprise or detour--and so the image lacks *dimention.* Cliches have a way of putting the mind to sleep and we consume them without ever thinking about them, barely noticed. You want to create memorable prose, cliches must be kept to a minimum.But getting back to the deep ocean. That's a lovely way of describing Minox's pent up intensity. The metaphor is a very hopeful one for me. It makes me inclined to like him. I can feel the dam in him wanting to break. If you'd said it was a vast desert, the emotional implications would be correspondingly more grim. Of course, you begin with a very promising metaphor--the carrying of the lie. But you don't take it anywhere. There's a glimmer of promise when you speak of the truths it's wrapped in, but that's the extent of it. You don't elaborate on the metaphor and it becomes its own cliche from repetition. But there's a beautiful set-piece hiding in those opening paragraphs! You could make this metaphor of the lie a ruling metaphor of the novel--speak of how it feels to carry a lie, where on one's person one would keep it hidden; it becomes a metaphor of the lie Katrine is carrying about her origins, her lie of having left this terrible place behind, the lie she's unwittingly about to expose, etc.--but the metaphor never takes off. You just repeat "the lie, the lie, the lie" emphasising the plodding feel of the prose at this point. It mirrors the plodding of Katrine's steps through the mud and muck of the open street. It creates a rhythm that slows the book down even as it's just getting going. And from the build up, I kinda figured the lie was going to be some sort of noble lie to protect the innocent, or perhaps the result of a rash promise to someone not nearly as virtuous as our heroine. And I further got the impression that Katrine was some sort of paragon of virtue who would chafe at a lie, even if it were for a noble cause. There's a noblility in the way she seems to carry this lie through the streets that I liked, even though I didn't know if I was going to like Katrine, personally. Nice work there.But then, of course, I find out that she's just forged a letter of recommendation so she can get a cooshy job!?! That's what it looks like. Oh man, she just lost serious coolness points with that stunt. The single belated sentence indicating that she's doing it for her sick husband and children cannot erase the initial sense of her mercinary duplicity. You're gonna have to bring in the husband and babies much sooner if I'm gonna think well of this woman. In other words, I need to care about her if I'm going to empathize with her instead of judge her, and to do that I need you to invest her story with *emotion.*Thing is: it's in the story, all over the place, if you just bring it to the surface. She's grieving her husband's mysterious ailment. She's deciding to go back to the scene of so many horrible childhood experiences. That takes a lot of guts! If she doesn't get this job she's finished, along with her family--strong motivation to be ruthless and to lie--*if* I know about them first. I don't think a sympathetic reader will begrudge your MC going into some of this material as she trudges through the crowds of her hometown. Let us in on the lovely mess of Katrine's inner turmoil!And speaking of coolness points: her take-down of the kid on the bridge was just a little too ultra-badass/Mary Sueish. Very, Keanu. I'd think the note you'd want to strike here is that she's a former scrapper from the streets, capable of holding her own and surprising us, not a smooth as custard secret ninja. Someone mentioned her putting the lad against the wall, and that seems more in keeping with her background and less grandstandy.Another thing to watch out for 'cause it saps the emotion from your writing is the ready-made phrase. Commonplaces like "smiled brightly" and "bursting with laughter" and "Katrine's heart was pounding like a hammer" all serve to put the reader's imagination to sleep. Okay, at this point I'm listing my thoughts as I read. Seems to me you are being a little coy about the husband's...whatever it is. When Katrine finishes the Captain's sentence with "...Devastating occurs?" it should illuminate something, give me some manner of insight into the mysterious illness, or even deepen the mystery and intrigue, but it just sits there and tells me nothing. Y'know, everyone in the room knows what happened to her husband, so leaving the reader out of the loop feels contrived--and to what purpose?"Used by who?" should be "Used by whom?"Okay. In your introduction of Welling, you're distinguishing his emotions by the size of his smile. Beware of using types and sizes of smile to depict emotion. It doesn't work the way you want it to. See, it's a very remote indicator of actual feeling. In real life, we talk about people's smiles for two reasons, generally: either we're smitten, or we think they're putting on an act. Otherwise, we'd be talking about their actual emotion and not this mere gesture. What's worse: using smiles to indicate actual emotion, makes the narrator come across as naive, possibly even shallow, and when the narrator isn't the protagonist, it makes the author come across that way. Okay. Here's a big issue I'm having with your world building at the moment. You've created a world in which an untrained, undisciplined magus can nonetheless knock several grown men on their asses with a thought. And then you have our two sleuths spend half an hour working out how a homicidal mage was able to heft his victim out of a sewer and into an alley. Not knowing the "rules" of your magic system, I can't imagine why the victim couldn't have been conveyed to the crime scene magically. It just seems silly; like two paraplegic investigators trying to work out how the murderer got to the crime scene without wheelchair access, never considering the possibility that he simply walked!Further, I find it hard to believe that forensic science functioning in a world full of magi wouldn't require a considerable knowledge of magic to deal with all the magical crime such a world would naturally produce. Seems to me that a police force in such a world would need to have some serious clarvoyants on the job. If there are folks (magi) running around with knowledge of how to manipulate the forces ruling the universe, surely there are plenty of folks who could at least see or sense such forces at work, no? You hint at such with Minox's sensitivity to the nails, but I find it hard to swallow that this sort of thing wouldn't be incorporated into every police investigation in such a world. And yet Minox is ostracized for it. What gives?
Welling's POV is strikingly stronger than Katrine's. Katrine is opperating kind of under the radar as a character right now.You reveal in one single, brief paragraph that she was raped at the age of 13, that the rapist had an accomplice holding her down. That's a kind of real world horrible that can overwhelm the rest of the story. Took me right out of the narrative. That's a big deal in the life of a human, and you just drop it in the reader's lap and as quickly move on. Katrine would naturally hate, in a deep, visceral, not even necessarily conscious way this woman who held her down to be raped. This reunion with her victimizer is a huge deal, and unless Katrine had gotten a whole lot of the fantasy world equivalent of psychotherapy, it would almost certainly bring up some serious PTSD. I can see that a particularly understanding and loving husband could help her heal that wound a good deal, but part of that healing would include getting away from that world entirely. Suddenly coming back into it and being reunited with the woman who helped ruin her would knock her on her figurative ass. And her good husband, her protector, is an invalid now. Katrine's not in a good place to deal with this encounter as far as I can see, not at all. The way she completely supresses her feelings into "I've got my eye on you" and then telling Minox to "drop it" comes across as way over the top tough guy behavior. It's a commonplace that men suffer horrible torture and then just shrug it off (they don't in reality, of course), but a female character doing the same just makes her look deranged (or poorly written). It's a harrowing thing encountering your rapist (someone party to the rape, who didn't herself rape you, is still gonna feel like a rapist) even after 20 years or more. Again, you can afford to let us in on Katrine's inner turmoil as she anticipates revisiting this monstrous evil from her past. Let us feel her revulsion, her fear, her hatred.This kinda brings me to the issue of Katrine's awareness of what she's doing. She really doesn't seem to realize what she's getting herself into by signing up to be a cop in the neighborhood she grew up in. She seems to be in denial about the whole thing. It makes her look very foolish and shallow as a character. If you were to make it clear what's at stake for her, coming back to this evil place, I would sympathize with her a lot more. Let me know what's really at stake for her and I'll care. Keep it all on the down-low as you do and you just make it easier for me to put the book down.You fall into a strange pattern of very general, even vague descriptions of her thoughts and actions from time to time. You speak of "...the warm fondness she felt at seeing something familiar..." It's a lot of emotionally distant, kinda tranquil words to describe a highly charged moment for her. It doesn't evoke emotion in the reader. It's the very essence of *telling.* Another example is when you tell us "...she shook her head with wry amusement (ready-made phrase). "I haven't had cresh rolls in a very long time." Could she be more general? She can't even say "since I was a kid?" Or even share with him a brief anecdote that eating the cresh roll brings to mind? To paraphrase the big bad wolf: LET US IN!Later, you say "a shiver went up her back." You give us this colorless cliche when down the page we find out that it isn't just any old shiver, it's the memory of a terrible wound running down her back from when she was 9! Don't tell us about a "shiver," when you've got a revelation like that! Tell us she felt a spasm of pain shoot across her back tracing the length of a long forgotten scare, or some such. You've got a hugely emotional moment just sitting there waiting for you to make it happen!Okay, okay, back to the POV: as it stands, your two protagonists are far too like-minded to justify the change in POV. To make it work--to make it fun, to make it interesting--there needs to be conflict between these two. Not to worry, it's there if you just bring it out: You very neatly show us in your strongest scene that he knows perfectly well she lied to the Captain. That is the sort of thing that Minox would surely contemplate throughout his day with her, searching for clues of what she's hiding. Speculating all over the place. He's surely paranoid enough to feel personally threatened by her duplicity, or imagine that she and the Captain are working together against him. While she, well, she's a rape survivor and anyone who's been through that has a mountain of trust issues, particularly with men. How does she know his inquisitive gaze isn't something more sexual? Why does she seemingly take such an immediate liking to Minox? Isn't that just a little too pat? Let her have her guard up at least for a little while and let the guard come down in time. Maybe these conflicts aren't what you're looking for, but your POV characters need to have two contrasting views of the world to make the double POV thing really matter.
As I said, the voice is solid. But it also comes across to this reader as joyless. The pleasure of getting an image just right, of capturing a character's virtue or flaw in just the right words isn't much in evidence. Your first sentence, however, is stellar in this regard. It got my hopes up right away. It was a great hook. The thing about metaphors and emotionalism is that they allow the reader to participate in the story on a creative level. They spark the reader's imagination. Each reader brings something unique to the reading and a good metaphor will mean slightly different things to every person who reads it. Some folks fall in love with Hamlet and some folks think he's an asshole, but we all feel the power of his passions and are moved by his vision of the benighted world around him. Also, your dialect work, well, I mean, seriously, it doesn't happen. Starting a sentence with "Oy" is not enough. My feeling is that you just don't have a feel for the quasi-Londonesque speach you're going for. If I were you, I wouldn't try. Instead, and this is just me, take it or leave it, I'd set the book in a fantastical New York or the like. A young republic built upon the ruins of an ancient culture. That sort of thing. It would be a novel alternative to London and you could write dialect more close to home: New York, New England, Southern twang, etc. Just an idea.And one more thing. The misogyny of your world is just kinda...there. It's pervasive, but Katrine is oddly unconcerned. She's extremely modern in her tolerance of the old boys club of the Constabulary. She's had a hard life, she's not stupid, and she should really have something of a chip on her shoulder about it, given her background. I'm not saying you should turn her into a fantasy world sufferagette, but not dealing with it at all weakens your voice. Really feeling the misogyny from Katrine's POV would help your story in so many ways. Y'know, whatever your characters have trouble with: *dig into it!*So, in conclusion, I'd say you have half of the story nailed, solid, clear as a bell. But the emotinal half, the lyrical half, has yet to show itself beyond a few promising moments. I tell you these things as I would tell myself. If anything I've said here rings false to you, by all means, ignore it. I envy the solid foundation you've created for your characters build upon. I think if you can really dig into Katrine's inner life you'll have a spectacular book on your hands. Good luck! I'm excited to see where you take this!-Kevin
Let me say, firstly, that I am greatly looking forward to reading more of this book! I'm already deeeply invested in the story and the characters and am anticipating delving deeper into this world of yours and in discovering "whodunit". Minox and Casey are as interesting a pair as Holmes and Watson. I really enjoyed their dynamic! I also found myself becoming very curious about their history. I wanted to know how Casey got free of her street life, what happened to her husband...what was she like in her investigative life before she was married? I wanted to know why Minox was untrained...what had happened to him to hide himself away like he does at the station...how did an untrained Mage become an Inspector? I'm also enthralled by this world you've created. It has an edgy, urban feel with just enough alien touches to intrigue my interest. Excellent job!
Mainly Casey but with a pop in and out of Minox kept it interesting but not too busy. I enjoy the hardened edge they all have...very cop/detective without falling into the campy film noire feel. The characters are very interesting with absorbing details suggesting even more interesting things to be dug up.
As I said, Iiked the POV, which is why..here...I will pick on seemingly small things. I'm guessing the lack of spaces beetween sentences is from a conflict of software in copying your work to this site? So, except for noting it, I ignored it. I found the actual words to be choppy and oddly jointed...by this I mean there was a preponderance of incomplete sentences joined together by oddly placed commas, semi-colons and colons. Several paragraphs were only one sentence. The sentences were actually several incomplete sentences tacked together with the afore-mentioned punctuation. This gave a choppy and disconnected feel to the voice of your novel. This was especially true in the beginning pages. It greatly improved with the addition of conversations (which you are very good at) and the introduction of other characters. By the end of these chapters the writing had improved greatly. (In this I am speaking about actual grammar and punctuation not the story...with which I have no complaints.) I think with some grammatical revision your book will be an excellent read! I know I can't wait to see more :D
I love your opening lines; thought it a great hook -- wanted to keep reading to find out what the lie was. But I don't think you need to keep emphasizing the point -- started to drag a bit. I like the scenes between the opening and her arrival at her destination -- great way to set up your world but I think it takes too long for her to get to where she's headed. A few hints that she knows this place without giving away why would strengthen that part. Katrine and Welling are strong well-defined characters. I am interested in each one's story and their journey together. This is a book I would buy and probably read more than once.
All the POVs of the characters are clear and distinct, even when Katrine and Welling are discussing the particulars of the crime scene and case. Sometimes the technical dialogue is too formal -- sounds more like reading about the subject instead of someone talking about it. When they look at the mage's body, it's very conversational -- when they are in the alley (after the restaurant) it's too formal.
Consistent, I see this world clearly and settings and characters fit that world. Easy to read and compelling story that flows.
Overall a pleasurable read. It was entertaining enough for me to get past the formatting issues (pretty big deal with my ADD). The dialogue made for a fast read and I emjoyed every bit of it. There were only a couple issues that I mentioned below. I'm giving it four out of five partially for the reasons below, but mainly because of the formatting issues. I'm looking forward to the rest of the story.
The POV worked well for this story. I just wish you had taken advantage of the POV a little more, to show us more about the characters emotions, their drive. Most of this was done in dialogue, and was done well, but it would have been nice to get a few extra tidbits in there. The first chapter would have been perfect when you are building up to Casey's lie. I think one of the other reviews mentioned this as well, but her daughters would have brought an extra dimension to her need. Although I'm sure being the parent of two little ones gives me a bias.
The voice was enjoyable, it fit well with the setting. The style lent well to a fast read, especially the amount of dialogue. I prefer stories with strong dialogue, but it would be nice to delve deeper into the character's psychy.
I really like how the story picks up momentum. It started off slow, but by the time she was in the Constabulary, it started making progress.In the first chapter, there is a sentence...'There was a smattering of greasy-haired Kierans, tanned Ascerians and olive-skinned Fuergans.' I'm not sure how this adds to the reader getting to know Katrine and her thought process of having to go to the Constabulary and lie. It just seems like it clouds what is going on. I like the direction the story is moving in. You've set it up nicely. I like that we are learning more and more about Minox as the plot goes on.
I think the switching between Minox and Katrine is seamless. Nice job.
I'm a huge fan of Erle Stanley Gardner. He gives Perry Mason a very distinctive voice. I think your voice is good and I really enjoy how you've given Katrine a strong female voice. That makes me a fan!
Marshall, I think overall, this is even stronger than your other book, and fits in your alternate fantasy world very well. I really love the London Constabulary Meets Harry Dresden thing you have going on. Now that I have read both, even though Jim Butcher's books are theoretically contemporary, I think it is running on some of the same ingredients. I will also do some blasphemy because honestly, this story was bringing me along a lot more satisfyingly than many Harry Dresden tales. That said, I have to be honest and say that some very popular writers have a quality similar to whatever force drove those magical spikes into the murder victim's hands. Bam Bam Bam. It's not subtlety, and you have a lot of subtlety here. You're at about 30,000 words and Katrina and Minox are very distinct and loveable characters.
Awesome. I have one quibble for you - it's not a quibble. You spend 2-3 pages on Katrina going to tell a lie. The writing on all of the other approx. 120 (guessing as to ms. pages) is so strong. I had trouble getting going . . . guess what? You can just start when she goes in to get her job with the forged recommendation letter. She does NOT have to go extensively through the streets while the reader wonders what is bothering her so much and has a negative taste because she's repeating that she's going to tell a lie. An understandable and essential lie! Katrina is a very strong viewpoint character.
I really enjoy the "antique" or classic detective fiction + magic voice. You might find some readers, especially these days, who can't adjust to the different pace, values and what's going on, but this is to me, ultra cool and fun. Go hence and to the front dump at the bookstore!
Aside from the minor problems with formatting, I wish there was a little more of an emotional hook to draw me in. It would have been better if the daughters and husband had been mentioned sooner in the text (her daughters and husband were depending on her) giving her task more urgency. It also would have given her a little more credence if she'd used her accent on the street rat and if she'd put him up against the wall, putting someone down left her back undefended. Both would have helped make her case for the reader without giving too much away. Just suggestions, of course.
The point of view is all right, the details are nice, but a little more explanation... smells and whatnot, would have helped involve all the senses and put the reader more in the scene.
There's a brisk no-nonsense air to the voice for as far as I read, and that seems in keeping with the character, but I'd like to see just a little more emotion.
I think something happened with the formatting, most of the spaces after your periods and quotes are missing. Not all, but most. It makes it hard to read.
POV seems to work, seeing both Katrine's and Welling's views paints a more complete picture. Katrine's POV at the beginning was excellent for world building, letting her distaste for being back, the familiarity, and discomfort paint a picture of the different people, general period and tech we're dealing with. The interaction with Idre seemed out of character, so far Katrine held it together well and even the memories leading up to it didn't create an emotional response to justify her behavior. Not to say it isn't justified, just that it felt false.
The lie is personified enough at the beginning to make it seem like the magical aspect of the world gave it some meaning more than just a deception.I expected something more to happen there, and maybe it would beyond the three chapters listed. Welling has a vaguely Sherlock Holmes feel to him, the tone but without the facts only he can see. It might just be his demeanor.
Intriguing opening line. You have some odd spacing issues, missing ones and extra ones. Love the idea of a lie being a tangible thing. You've got some missing words here and there. A few pages in, I start to doubt the lie is actually something physical. She does too much to the guy on the street to be carrying anything. You disperse descriptions well, slipping them in amongst the action without bogging us down in info-dumps. Okay, so the lie is a paper. That works. You have a lot of repeated words close together, might want to vary your word choice a bit more. Love how she's worked her way into the investigation. You have a few mis-punctuated dialogue tags, but I love the conversation between Casey and Cinellan. However, she's a little too authoritative with him when she tells him how he can test her. Great hook line at the end of chapter one.This is really good. I like the protagonist a lot by the end of chapter 1 and I'd definitely read more.
You can go deeper. It's not bad, but things like "Katrine hated Inemar" I'd rather have you show me than tell me. In fact, I think you DO show it after that line, so I'd cut that line. How can Katrine tell Welling is looking at her with analysis rather than lechery.
I hear her on and off, but it could be stronger in the opening pages. The personality of her street accoster comes through more clearly. As the chapter goes on, I grow to like her more and more. She's ringing true to me, like an individual and not a type.The first impression we get of Welling doesn't mesh with what comes out after the boss leaves. He come off as an incompetent slob when the boss is there, and a take-charge professional when he leaves. That character trait confuses me. Then, with the other two inspectors, he sounds like an overzealous nerd. I think he needs to be locked down a little more.
I quite enjoyed this piece -- it combines the mystical with mystery and takes it a step further to add a great deal of culture thrown out as treats as the reading happens. There is a bit of info dumping at the beginning, but not so much that it really slowed down the pace -- very nice work.Overall, I think that the opening pages were the weakest. It read like you tried to make as much impact as you could in those pages but fell a little short. Your reuse of the words 'the lie' went beyond what I thought was appropriate. The first sentence was brilliant, but you lost that brilliance the moment you repeated that phrase again. This line should be used once for the most impact. Address the lie as the letter and leave it at that. We get that it is a lie, we get that she knows shes doing something very wrong... don't ruin that brilliance by beating us over the head with it. Just jump right in, cut to the chase, and let that great opening line stand on its own two feet.I do not know if I would buy this book in a store, but I likely would be willing to give it a chance. It has a good premise and it is an interesting read.
The point of view shifts to Minox in Chapter 3.... I have to admit that I didn't like this. Casey should be the driving force behind it. If you're going to switch to Minox's pov, you need a stronger shift. As it is, I got confused for a brief bit as you changed over to Minox.
The voice in this piece is pretty solid. The weakest part, I feel, is right at the beginning. Once you get over trying to introduce your character and your world, your voice stabilizes and the story becomes quite interesting. Great job -- with a few tweaks, I think this story would appeal to both mystery *and* fantasy fans.
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