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A humorous flash fiction story detailing a day in the life of a plumber after the zombie apocalypse has subsided.
(No author's note)
Humorous, and gives enough information to make the reader want to continue. Witty remarks from the narrator makes for the best humor in this case. Good spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I'm not sure without reading further that is necessarily constitutes a horror, but again, it's too soon to tell.
The voice is great. I think use of first person perspective was good in this instance as that is where most of the humor comes from. It's a relatable character, and people can understand the overall tone.
Unfortunately, there isn't much dialogue in this particular segment. It appears to flow well, it's not blotchy or unbelievable, and I loved when she said "I just pushed it down with my toes," because I could totally see someone doing just that.
This is a really charming story--easy to read, a sharp premise, and funny. That said, there are a couple of sentences that bother me. I'll call them out below."I saw him walkin' in, that festering pile of meat."It's unclear what's happening here. Is the plumber walking into the house and then seeing the zombie? Or is the zombie walking into the bathroom where the plumber sees him for the first time?"Its brilliance was so simple, but the idea that would revolutionize the in home zombie phenomenon and plumbing as we know it."You need to delete the word "that" in this sentence. I would also add a hyphen for "in-home". Additionally, the paragraph in which this sentence takes place suddenly switches tense. The story as a whole takes place in the present but it leaps back a couple of times into past-tense. In this paragraph, however, we find that the entire incident is recollection. This leads me to consider that you should change the tense of the entire piece into past-tense and adjust the narrative to fit.I think this would ultimately make it even more interesting because you'd force the reader to think of the character beyond the story. For instance, could this be an interview with a billionaire who is describing the epiphany that led to his fortune? Could be.
There's something inherently funny about someone who survives the zombie plague and then turns around to work as a plumber. I thought you did a great job establishing his profession and his expertise.What I'm not so settled on, however, is the main character's apathy toward zombies. Indeed, we have to keep in mind that this is someone who survived the zombie apocalypse. Didn't he lose anyone? I'm not saying that he should be more sympathetic, but his negativity ("People hold on to some hope for a cure, but I know better.") must stem from somewhere.It seems to me that this story is about a loser's transition into greatness. He was a plumber with who started his career because he was just going with the flow, the zombie apocalypse happened, and then he went back to being a plumber because he lost his family and he's a loser with nothing better to look forward to.But in this moment, he acknowledges that people want to hold on to their loved ones and that he is capable of helping. Even if his motivations are inspired by his perceived financial gains, he still has managed to find a way to make a lasting impact on mankind. What's more, he's done it by doing what he's always done: plumbing.I feel like all of this subtext is within this story, but you need a few more sentences to dig deeper into the character and really bring it out.
I don't really have any criticisms on the dialogue. There's actually very little to discuss. I will say that I found this line to be a little over the top: "Well, we don't expect you to push the cherished remains of your dead husband down the drain." It's a bit of slapstick humor where you don't need slapstick to be funny.
Just finished ZHNRFP. Thought it was brilliant. "Christ not bringing back a pork chop" and "At least I can find the can" stick in my mind as the highlights. For a moment I thought the old lady was thowing out the remains of her husband's meals, which could be an even more grizzly test for the newly installed garbage disposal. Loved it, keep up the good work.
The voice of the protagonist really seems to suit him. He seems like a worn down guy fed up with unclogging zombie chunks from drains but he never steps into being directly rude to the old lay.
Kinda touched on this in the voice section, but the plumbers does not tell the old lady he thinks she is gross for flushing chunks of her dead husband down the drain. He sounds like a polite plumber, and she sounds like an old lady. Which is just what they both need to be.
Fun and funny. A really clever take on the zombie storyline that is so popular now. Structured as a joke which I find excellent.
Good voice--upbeat, chagrined, humorous. Seems to appreciate the ludicrous predicament nicely.
It snaps. It crackles. It pops. I'd say more not less is needed though. We are a bit inside the main character's head for too long.
I love the title and this is what made me what to read it.
The voice is funny and is at a constant level of humour throughout the writing.
There isn't a lot of dialogue and when there is it's not as strong as the rest of the writing.
Very amusing, you have a great sense of humour, a great twist at the end did it for me.
Good, fast like the story. I would love it to have been a little longer
A bit more dialog, but as its a flash, there is a lot to get through just a few words.
I love it. Dark humor mixed in with some grisly details that could realistically happen post-zombie apocolypse.
Definitely feel for the plumber. I didn't have to stretch my imagination that much to understand the problems he would be going through in his unique position.
It sounds very believable. I could actually picture a grandmother type talking to an average joe plumber about the problem at hand.
Very nice. I loved the ending. A clever mashup of the mundane and the fantastical.
Solid. The perspective character manages to build the world in a very few words.
Well, there's not a whole lot of it due to the length. What is there is probably the weakest part of the story, but not terrible by any means. Maybe something to work on if you expand on this though.
Love it! Good idea and funny. It's timely since zombies are so big now.
Nice. You can tell who he is. The old lady is a bit bland though.
A little bland, between them, but over all good. What will you do with it now?
Very Interesting.... I must see MORE !I want to see this story develop more as a book,Maybe as a novel !
I can see your personality through this,You must love humor !
Very intriguing, I love the way that old Granny reacted to the plumber ! It was hilarious !
That gave me a good laugh at 4 in the morning.... I love zombies.... Great twist. Funny as hell.
I like where you're heading with this. This is a must continue.
I loved the attitude of the plumber..... And his internal dialogue.
Hi,First thought was........ What?Then, why not!I'll have a read and pressume to comment, Here goes!53% typo?... more than a couple 'of' teeth Oh right, that went by quick.Is there more to come, or is this just a wee humourous parady or some kind.... I'm so confused.It flowed along and at no time was I out of the short story, thinking I'm reading a story.Liked the pork chop comment and the granny shoving her husbands flesh noncholantly down the plug hole with her toes.Maybe, for me, a couple of house calls prior to this visit might set the scene nicely and afew more comment from the granny to show her 'life goes on... make the most of it' generational acceptance would have been a good opportunity for humour. But I think you've done what you intended.
Clearly defined difference between the characters and the narrative, though would need more to comment further. Like Brutus, I don't know what I want, but I want it very much. I think the old lady could come off with some absent no PC corkers.
The dialogue was believable. No real stand out 'they wouldn't say that' scenarios. Though in this wacky world, what would fall into this catagory?G'luckMike
Never thought I'd read about the zombie apocalypse from the point of view of a plumber but I guess it could work! Kinda need more to judge everything properly though.
Everything flows nicely, interesting to see if that is kept up.
Despite the fairly horrible nature, it's good! I can see it getting better as things go on.
Well I thought it had a good storyline, but it could have used more details. I really enjoyed it but you should have told of a few more house calls.
The voice was good. It flowed easily and smoothly.
The dialogue was good. Very easy to read and understand.
Right from the beginning, I knew that this story was going to be unconventional. The title format seems to be a happy mistake, unless you intended it, and the comic timing of "Zombies Have No Respect for ... Plumbing" is promising. This also functions as a hook that cannot be ignored and beckons the audience to continue reading. The story is morbid and uncomfortable, as any horror rightfully should be. There is plenty of gritty, stomach-churning descriptions that provide a guilty delight. This story is thoroughly enjoyable and seems like fodder for a horror magazine or an anthology of short stories.
I particularly enjoy the recurring motif of meat, especially of the festering, unappetizing variety. Your black humor is entwined in this theme, especially with lines such as: "Christ could raise Lazarus, but Lord knows he wouldn't try to bring a pork chop back to life." You do justice to the not-so-glamorous trade of a plumber, particularly during a time of plague. The conclusion is satisfying and remains true to the unique and eccentric voice of the story. The dehumanizing and reduction of zombies to ambling chunks of meat rings clear with the plumber's final proposal.
The dialogue is suitable for a plumber and never leaves character; it is engaging and descriptive while remaining unpretentious. There is variety in the exchange between the plumber and the old woman, which is a testament to skillful dialogue. It is easy to distinguish both and visualize two starkly different characters: the gruffly professional plumber and the clingy granny in denial. The result elicits both humor and sympathy.
Ha! Loved it! That lady was nasty though. Are you really stuffing the deteriorating skin of your husband down the drain with your toes? :) I enjoyed this quick read. This short story should defiantly be considered comedy. ;)
The voice was perfect. You have an unique style of writing that I am very interested in.
The dialogue made the story for me. The background drew me in, but the conversation between the plumber and the old woman was hilarious.
I love the setting and the concept behind your story. It's very well written and quite an enjoyable read. There are a few lack of commas and tinier errors, but other than that, I don't see a major flaw in your writing at all. I'm hoping there will be more to this story!
The narrative voice is good and concise; I never mistook it for another character. It stands on its own very well.
The dialogue was good. It may just be the italian in me, but I was hoping the plumber was a stereotypical New York plumber! Regardless of my fantastical wants, the dialogue is very well written!
I really liked this. The stoic, hard working plumber in a post apocolyptic zombie infested wasteland. Very funny. Really, I could see this being a series. Like maybe a comic, maybe not. It really could because as we all know there's a HUGE obsession with zombies. Zombie survival guide, The Walking Dead, countless video games...its right there!
The voice reminds me of Hunter S Thompson in plumber form. Just doing his job, that includes a very funny incident with zombie body parts in a shower drain.
It was mostly narration but the eventual dialouge was very good. I think making the plumber have some kind of sarcasm, welil more so. It does take a kind of insane person to make a living in this alternate reality.
I really liked the opening sentence; it set the tone and drew me in immediately. I'd be interested in reading more.
Strong, consistent voice. I was instantly engaged because it worked really well with the story.
The dialogue was fun and light, and flowed very naturally! I could definitely envision the scenario in my mind.
LOVED this! Seriously, a great read. I could read a whole book of this comedic horror!
The voice is what drew me in, I think. I didn't so much feel like I was reading. I felt like I was there...I actually got a little nauseous. For once in my life, that's a good thing.
Smooth and believable. Great job! It also moved the story forward which is what dialogue should do.
Oh yuk! I love it. The only thing I might recommend changing is the lead-in for paragraph four. As it stands, it interrupted the flow a little bit. But that is just a nit.
The voice in this little vignette is very well done. I can almost see the the plumber's vertical smile peeping out at me over his belt
Well done dialog. What little there is of it. Nicely done.
I think you have this in the wrong genre...this isn't horror, it's HILARIOUS. Okay, the description of the woman's dead husband's remains getting pulled back up out of the drain was suitably nasty. But I was ROLLING when I got to the end, so thanks for that! :)The only bit of confusion I hit was that I'm not sure if only bits of her husband wound up in the drain...? The narrator mentions seeing the husband on the way in, but the way he says "cherished remains of your dead husband" makes it sound like somehow the entire person wound up in the drainpipe.Grammar suggestions: Change "in home zombie phenomenon" (at the end of the story) to "in-home zombie phenomenon"; use a semi-colon when the woman says, "But he needs his shower; his hygiene was never in order..." (it's currently a comma and reads a bit run-on-y); add "it was" and change "know" to "knew" in the sentence "Its brilliance was..." so that it reads "Its brilliance was so simple, but IT WAS the idea that would revolutionize...as we KNEW it." Between "spit" and "that is" ("The red ball in his mouth..."), replace the comma with a semi-colon or a dash.
Brilliant turns of phrase. I'm not sure how I feel about the couple of times that a "g" is dropped, such as when the narrator is talking about "walkin' in." His character seems very casual, so it fits, but on the other hand, it seems a little TOO casual to me - it keeps catching me and throwing me off a little.
Snappy. It was easy to distinguish between the narrator and the granny with the way they expressed their concerns to one another. I loved when the woman said, "I just pushed it down with my toes." Sick!
Bahahahaha! Awesome....I don't know what else to say other than that. Short, sharp, funny with a side order of macabre.
Over such a short story I didn't really expect the voice to change much, and it didn't. Not that this is a bad thing, the voice is very funny and really helps with the story delivery.
Not a heap to go on here but what there was, was excellent. I definitely got the feel of an already world weary apprentice who just happens to be dealing with walking corpses.
Very nicely done. The plumber is especially well-written.
The voice is engaging and natural. It was a pleasure t read.
And te dialogue was great as well. And that includes the plumbers internal voice.
This is a funny flash fiction story. Well written. And graphic. Love the rubber ball visual!
The voice of the plumber is humorous and sarcastic, all at the same time!
I agree with another reviewer who felt that the elderly lady's dialogue was a bit stilted. But, overall it was a great flash fiction piece.
I am totally there! A day in the live of post apocolyptic zombie infestation. Great story, and I love that it ended without having a hundred pages of words that didn't add to the pureness of the tale.
I took it completely professional and serious. I believed in the plumber. What can i say.
Not much need to chit chat when you have a great dialogue in the plumbers head.
I find it interesting this story winds up as a favorite in the horror genre, but the title gives away the sort of zombie humor taking place. I enjoy the kicker at the ending. I would like to see a bit more satire - little societal pokes. Of course, I did not have too much to review.
Definitely a strong voice in this piece. The humor and despair come through quite vividly, only, I would like to know more about the protagonist in these first few places. Sure he's talking and thinking, but what could he do to show what kind of person her is. Right now, he (or I guess she) seems to be a bystander in the murky aftermath of a zombie plague. Well written.
Most of the dialogue flows well and has a natural sound when read aloud. However, I found one of the elderly woman's comments rather forced. "But he needs his shower . . . " Just doesn't seem like something someone would say. Then again, she's probably disturbed at this point.
It is rather out of genre. But I enjoyed it thoroughly. I wish it was a book.
Love the tone. "Its brilliance was so simple" I would get rid of that. It ruins the garbage disposal surprise.
Dialog is good overall. I don't know why he would ask the old lady about pieces of skin if zombies are not phenomenon in that setting. But it wasn't a deal-breaker.
Quite clever! Not many go beyond the whole flesh and brain eating critters to how they might actually affect civilization on an intimate daily basis. Good descriptions and clear writing. I enjoyed this story very much and would definitely read more of the same theme from this author.
The first person voice of authority is a nice touch, but the author might include a bit more introductory narrative or exposition to establish a truer sense of authority and personality. The voice is consistent, which is commendable.
The writer uses good dialogue, and even though it's a light part of the story, still maintains hints of each character's individuality. Some of the narrative is "telling" that someone said something without having them actually say it - and it might be worth revisiting those parts and writing in the actual dialogue. (e.g. "She called to tell me her drain was...)
Hilarious! Definitely a different take on a zombie story. Reminds me a bit of something J.A. Konrath would write. I'm a big fan of his, which might be why I liked this so much.
I just love the way the author interjects humor into his writing. In my opinion, comedic horror can be a very difficult thing to pull off, but this is done very well.
I felt that the dialog was easy to follow and understand and was able to sufficiently convey each character's personality.
Loved it. Great ending! This is a fun and very fresh take on the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse.
Your short and to the point style is exactly what I was looking for tonight; just needed some quick entertainment. I also really dig the gory details you added; this IS a zombie story after all!
The dialogue did exactly what it needed to do; set up the situation, delivered the humor, and ultimately gave the story its punch line.
This is a side of a zombie apocalypse that I had never even thought of. The ball gag is a brilliant idea.
Dry humor is sometimes the best. Enjoyed thinking about this from the plumbers side.
Dialogue made complete sense to me throughout up until the point where the grandmother asks why the plumbers don't make the drains good enough. Not certain why but the flow of the sentence did not seem to work well. And this is something I know nothing about but do Plumbers make the drains anyway?
Great. I loved it. My father owns a plumbing business so it was easy for me to picture one of his guys heading to a customers house. Now, picturing the Zombies was left up to you and I think you did a great job. I think it was a funny and I also think the title is great!
It was easy to understand the tone of the characters
I thought the dialogue was great. The only line that bothered me was "Oh dear. Why don't you plumbers make these drains good enough?" For some reason this was a little awkward even though I know exactly what you are trying to say.I would suggest: "Oh dear. Why don't you plumbers install the plumbing so it works like it's supposed to." or "Oh dear. Does your business ever sell (install) anything that works right?" I just think you could word it in a way that shows her frustration. Then again, what do I know? I'm only a plumber's daughter. Great job!
In a word, brilliant. I wish there was more. Do you plan to add to this? Especially since zombies are one of the in-things right now, I see this concept being highly marketable to publishers if fleshed out.
A wonderful irritation in the voice, but also with a hint of monotony gives the perfect impression of zombies becoming "routine" in a time well after the outbreak.
Not a heck of a lot of dialogue. What's here is good, but it's actually kind of difficult to make a ruling based on such a small sample size.
This was hysterical. Abso-fricking-lutely brilliant. I loved it.
Voice was spot-on. I could picture this workin-class Joe with no problem.
Dialogue was great, for the most part. I just wished Granny had a more distinctive voice.
Titling the story the same as the first line detracts from the quirky impact it has. I would suggest a different title because as a first line that really catches your attention.You start strong with a quirky hook and the idea of starting an apprentice position - and then go into an info dump. Give me the details later. For now draw me into the story. I didn't know if this was first person or third until the third paragraph. Start in the middle of the action.I'm unsure if the narrator is male or female.When talking about plumbing tools, not everyone knows what a snake is, so taking a sentence to inform your reader could help with understanding.With the scene where things are falling off the snake, I have an image in my head of the snake flaking apart, not something coming out of the drain.
It's super fun! You have a quirky, gruesome kind of dark humor that works well with zombies.I loved the garbage disposal idea, it was ingenious and really if you're in a zombie apocalypse it only makes sense to have several methods of disposing of the bodies!
There's only six lines of dialogue but you maximize what you use well.
Hi there! Just getting into it! :)I'm a bit torn right now on whether I like how your first line is also your title or not. It gives it an ironic, comedic feel, which could work if you're going for a horror-comedy (and with a title like yours, I'm guessing so).Your imagery is very vivid (and disgusting - I love it!)! I get an idea of the surroundings, the smells and the sights right away. We don't have a clear goal just yet, but it's only been three pages. I'd read more for the imagery and the voice, and I'd be betting on a unique plot and story, with a title like that. :) Well done! Looking forward to more!
You have good voice right off the bat. Very loud and clear!
There's not a lot of dialogue here, but it has the potential to be one of the strongest aspects of your book. The "Oh dear" definitely gives me the "old lady" feel, and your speaker has a wonderful dry and sarcastic voice that works well with the dialogue you give him.
I liked this little flash piece. I think though it could use a bit of work on the transitions. On the 2nd and 3rd paragraph is a rough transition. Smooth out some thoughts and this should find a home soon.
Great voice. I liked the ironic twist at the end.
Not much dialogue, but what there was is short and to the point.
First paragraph almost works but seems a little clunky. Maybe "They don't teach you that when you get your license." would work better?Ending is hysterical.
Overall very good, but it does get a little jarring when it changes tense. "Unfortunately for me, it wasn't sewage... ...When I start pullin' the snake"
Good all around. Would like to hear more of their conversation though.
I loved it. I don't usually like Zombie stories or movies, unless done with some humor, and this one is funny. It should be longer, though. Could squeeze in a few more gags...
The voice is perfect for this. In fact it makes you want to read an entire book with this guy and in these settings. I don't know why, but I got an image of Gene Hunt from the show Life on Mars in my head...
English not being my mother tongue, I'm not sure how good my review will be on that matter, but from where I'm standing it sounded good, funny and natural. Something I would expect in a comedy...
It was a nice balance of humor and graphic detail for a genre that at times has been overdone. I just wish it were longer!
Solid, strong voice for the primary character. You get an immediate sense of his frustrations, knowing he's become desensitized to a society where Zombies are commonplace.
Clear and witty. Not overly descriptive. I think you've established the tone well in spite of the short length.
I love how it is written! I only wish there was more! The tone is light and humorous but not crazy overpowering. It seems like a story that is set up to really go somewhere and mean a lot.
the voice is very nice and keeps attention to the action.
The dialogue is very ironic and casual, but very realistic. It seems like a casual account that might be found in a memoir. very real.
Overall, I think this is a great concept, and a great set-up for a short-short story. Some readers might have a hard time figuring out exactly what's going on. Maybe I'm one of them. If he's sitting in the chair, how are chunks of the zombie husband clogging the drain? I'm guessing the chunks washed off in the shower, but you may wish to clarify that a bit. Great last line!
The voice is breezy and comfortable, but the narrator's voice doesn't tell us much about his or her character. With such a brief work, the voice is pretty much all the reader has to learn as much about the narrator as possible. It needs to feel more unique--more wholly belonging to this story.
Alas, like the voice, the dialogue feels somewhat generic. Again, it's very breezy and casual and this quality makes it very readable. But still, there's so much good writing here, I think you can do better. Even in such a short space, there could be more tension between the widow and the plumber.
I love it. It's funny, witty and gave me a good laught.
I like the smartness in the sentences, absolutely the best part.
The dialogue was right on, as well as the timing. Nice job.
Good little vignette! Very entertaining. I'd love to see more of this character. He could sustain a longer piece, if you ask me. And I'd like a little more description of the zombie, ie chunks missing etc. It seems like a cop out when we hear at the end that he's falling apart but we don't get to see that upfront. :>
Nicely done. He has a believable tone and the distinction between him and the older lady is clear even without dialogue tags.
Very natural. You have a great grasp of dialogue.
Amusing and disgusting. I like the matter-of-fact manner of the zombie apocalypse. It's been described so many times and has become so much a part of the lexicon that long explanations are superfluous--everybody knows the score. I also like turning the horrific into the everyday without resorting to slapstick like Evil Dead or Zombieland.
Hard to pick up a solid read on the voice since the story is so short. There's certainly nothing wrong with what's there, though.
Dialogue feels natural and believable (as believable as anything in a zombie story.)
Hilarious. I love the concept. The perspective of the plumber beset by zombies is unique and fresh.
Voice is good and believable. He sounds blue collar enough to have credibility.
A bit wooden. Too many commas. Both characters in this excerpt sound the same.
I really enjoyed this story. It was simple, not too complex and drawn out, and humorous. Short stories should all be like this. The tone worked well with the story, and the writing style was perfect. It almost reminded me of how Jim Butcher writes.
The voice of this piece was right on key. It was humorous, slightly cynical, sarcastic, and seemed slightly world weary. I enjoyed it. It seems exactly how the internal working of a plumber's mind would sound. Great job!
The dialogue worked wonderfully. Slightly simplistic, but it fit. The older woman's dialogue seemed exactly like something I would hear from my grandmother's mouth. I loved it.
Yet another work of zombie fiction. Nothing really new here, but seems like a decent idea that never came to fruition.
The story flowed (no pun intended) well, but was very short. Maybe a few quick references to other zombie related plumbing jobs, to flesh (no puns again) the story out.
The dialogue seemed about as naturalistic as any conversation with a plumber could go. Funny, but again, for my liking, just not enough.
I'm a sucker for a zombie story. You've got an interesting angle to this and I would definitely read on. seventh paragraph - not sure if this is an issue (cuz this may just be part of the 'voice' of the narrator), but you've used the word 'start' three times within two sentences here. I only mention this because, otherwise, this is a very well put-together opener.
The voice of the plumber comes through pretty well, and he fits well within the scope of how I'd guess a plumber would tackle a situation such as this.
Believable dialogue. Well done. It blends nicely with the narrative.
Yuck! But this is fun. I think though I am glad that it is short. It would be a bit much to continue in this vein.
Excellent for the topic because the lightness complements the concept.
Brief but effective. (Note though that "Miss" might be better as "ma'am."
I would just like to say that I am normally a hard-ass about reviewing, but your title had me nearly in tears of laughter. A few minor grammar/punctuation issues, but the sheer brilliance of the story overshadows any error.
The Plumber is the ultimate character. He is sarcastic and clever with a mixture of bored acceptance and pure exhaustion with having to deal with these people. I would love to have other short stories involving him. Absolutely brilliant.
Witty and tongue-in-cheek to the point of having me re-read three times before I had the brains left in me to review in a somewhat serious manner.
Clever concept that I thoroughly enjoyed. I smiled at some of the lines which show the character's cleverness. This is rounded out by the ending. Nice little short.
The character's voice is evident through out, so there is a consistent "cadence." My only problem is that the character seems to be telling the story to someone, and then at the end "Yes, Yes I can," throws that concept. I recommend making it dialogue.
The dialogue gives a good sense of the situation, but it is a tad awkward at some points. Also, at the end "Miss," should either be "Ma'am" or "Misses" since she was married.
Okay, Okay, you got me at the end there. Very funny short. Well presented, nothing tripped me up while reading. Kudos!
Well presented, consistent througout. Projects humorous frustration well. Works well for the piece.
Not much there, but what's there is presented well.
Great little humorous tale; short and sweet enough that I didn't see the punch line coming, and it genuinely made me grin.
Convincing voice- you certainly believe this chap is a plumber, and the zombie situation is quickly sketched out in a few lines.
Again, the dialogue feels realistic, with some nice (ie. nasty) touches. I particularly liked the "I just pushed it down with my toes." Ewww.
This is entertaining. It is interesting how popular it has become to make the idea of the dead coming back to life and eating poeple a fun topic. Some future society or alien race wil surely shake their heads at us. But, for now, we can enjoy well done zombie fiction stories like this (let's hope we do not have to deal with zombie non-fiction...very scary). My question from here would be, "where is the story going?" You have demonstrated your ability to create enjoyable humor and a dry wit in your writing. But, will there be a plot populated with interesting characters to keep someone reading until the end? I certainly hope so and look forward to following this story.
Great voice. The test will be to carry it forward through many more pages. But, overall, you did a wonderful job writing with clear and concise prose that were underlined with a subtle wit. I look forward to getting to know this character.
There is not a huge amount of dialogue to assess here. What is present is mixed. It is by no means bad, but it did not seem as natural in its flow as the prose. This would be the weakest part of the story, but this is not to say it is weak overall or an Achilles heel to the story.
This was short but funny. Interesting concept, that humanity isn't the only bunch affected by a zombie "plague".
The narrator's voice is what pushed this from horror into dark comedy in my ears. Not only was he disgusted, but he was wiley and in it for a big bucks. "pay a wrangler...slap a rubber ball..." very blue collar descriptions from a meh-going-on-jaded guy.
Wasn't much to it, is all. Liked the bit about the old lady accusing plumbers of doing poor work.
Have to admit, you had me chuckling all the way through. The idea of zombies being wrangled up and sent home with ball gags is a pretty awesome one. It's simply made for comedy.I did want some sort of danger. Or conflict. Something to raise the stakes and create a touch of suspense. The zombie husband doesn't have to physically threaten our intrepid plumber, but a little annoyance or distraction could help with tension.Still, the idea of a garbage disposal in the shower ... going to giggle about that one for a while!
I enjoyed the conversational tone of the narrator. He (I'm assuming he, forgive me if I'm wrong) makes a lot of quirky little observations that reinforce the light tone. <br><br>My one misgiving is when you use the phrase "Use a snake or some other such tool ..." I feel that, as an apprentice plumber, he'd have a greater knowledge of his trade and tools. A little research and some quick edits should clear it right up.
Not much there. What is there is a little stilted. There's not much difference between the plumber and the old lady. They don't need to have radically different voices, just enough so the dialogue flows a bit better. Also, I was a touch confused when he called her "Miss" after referring to her as "Ma'am" and "some blue haired granny." Definitely not a Miss.
it was the title that got my attention. nothing like a good title to make you re-think what you know about a subject such as zombies. after reading the story it was nothing like i had expected and made me laugh.
im not sure what im supposed to put in this field so ill just say that id like to see more of the story and where it goes from there.
the dialogue was short and to the point. it conveyed the emotions of a frustrated plumber and an old women that cares a bit to much about her zombiefied husband.
It was a great short read that gave me some laughs and at the same time some disturbing images. The first line is great but I think it would be better if you considered a title change to keep away from being repetitive.
I thought it had a good amount of humor balanced with the gory description. At first it is a little confusing when he sees the husband walk in but then sounds like the lady tried to stuff her entire husband down the drain.
There wasn't much involved but I think the small amount seemed to flow naturally. The last bit was may favorite part of the story.
Funny. This would make an interesting movie or a series.
I like it. Feels like I'm talking directly to someone or hearing a story from a friend. I should be hearing this from a buddy while drinking a beer.
There was only a small amount of dialog for me to review at this point. I'm sure it's fine as the reader goes deeper into the story.
Wow, very nicely done. Refreshingly original. You have the touch of writer who knows that balancing everything out is the key and you have certainly written a well-balanced piece. Loved the start. The tone. Dialogues. Narrative voice. Point of view. Details. Descriptions. Great work on the exposition. Wasn't jarred at all and read the whole piece with a smile on my face.
Excellent. Razor sharp. Rests on the brink of witty and slapstick. Cleverly does the exposition while firing the jokes. Didn't seem out of place and the pacing worked out perfectly.
Love the individuality shown by 'ma'am' and 'oh dear'. They are in sync with the characters and bring out shades of humor different than that present in the main narrative. Not too long, not too short and definitely not confusing.
I adored the start. It was a nice hook, and a good way to start the story. I was interested the whole way through and I hope there is more to this. I like the way you took the classic zombie predicament and put a nice plumber related spin on it. I enjoyed reading this, it was really fun and light hearted despite the serious undertones.
The casual voice made me imagine, at first, the plumber being a high school student. But eventually you were able to get into the swing of a more mature, yet casual voice, as a plumber should have. I liked how you were able to incorporate plumbing vernacular into the story and make, in the end, a believable plumber.
I like how you really encapsulated the idea of a plumber dealing with a client, but put a funny and zombie filled twist to it. The sort of innocent discussion between the plumber and the lady made it very interesting and ironic. It seemed a bit too casual for the situation at hand, but it worked well for the nature of this.
This is great. I laughed. It is short, sweet and to the point. You expose a bit of the world, tell a story from start to finish, and take a gruesome subject and make it rather amusing. Nicely done.There are a few grammar errors and a few areas that could use a little trimming, but otherwise this looks pretty polished. Good job.
The voice is pretty good. However, there are a few choppy sections that made me go 'huh?' and skip back to confirm what I read. For example, "She called to tell me her drain was backing up; that a horrible smell and rusty colored (hyphen needed between rusty and colored btw) substance was coming through. -- shouldn't it be coming up? It somehow felt awkward. I like his thoughts as he is dealing with it.Also, you describe what is coming up as white, where you comment it is rusty in the drain. That threw me off a bit.
The dialog is good, not a lot of it, but I can follow everything going on just fine. I didn't have any problems with her more formal talk.Only complaint is that the Yes. Yes I can isn't as dialog. I was expecting it.Good job, thanks for the laugh. Good luck getting this one published.
This made me laugh! Well done, and I look forward to seeing what comes next! It's nice to see a zombie story with a solid sense of humour rather than absolute terror.
I quite like how the voice reflects the character and circumstances. There is a simple feel to this piece that compliments the overall feel of the story quite well.
There isn't much dialogue in this short chapter, so I can't offer much of a critique. I would say that the response the plumber gives the old woman is a little stilted and out of place, but other than that, I think this is well done.
Nice. Grotesque. Love the concept and the conclusion. Short length and limited dialog make it difficult to really feel like the characters are all that unique. Hopefully this is a first chapter to a longer piece.
I enjoy the somewhat surly tone and raw language. He sounds like I imagine a plumber might sound.
I think both characters talk like their demographic, the old lady particularly. I'd like to read a longer version with more room for the characters to develop a somewhat more unique sound.
OMGoodness, what a fun read! I felt the bile threatening to rise at one point, a sign of fantastic writing!
The MC was fun and matter-a-fact. I didn;t see any issues with voice.
I could imagine the old granny saying this, so innocent for such a bizzare topic. I really enjoyed this.
I love the gory visuals (love, love, love them to little stinky, bloody bits), as well as the quirky tone of the entire piece. The only real distraction that upsets the flow is the unsettled tense shifts. Ex. Your sentence: "Since the plague slowed down, people didn't see the need..." Maybe it would work better if you have something like, "Since the plague has slowed down, people don't see the need..." Also, the epiphany at the end could be a little greater. It's an awesome ending. Very funny. It just seemed a little sudden. Overall, this is great. I only wish it was longer.
The character's voice comes through right away. I immediately visualized a disgruntled, no bull plumber tired of people treating their zombies like peekapoos.
Something about the following did not click: "...Why don't you plumbers make these drains good enough?" -"Well, we don't expect you to push the cherished remains of your dead husband down the drain." For some reason, it strikes me as a little off. You've set up this elderly character just so, reminding me of my grandma, only my grandma wouldn't say "good enough" when she could be more precise, yet loopy. Maybe: "Why aren't the drains bigger?" or "Why didn't plumbers think of this before they installed the drains?" Answer: "Well, we never expected the remains of your loved one to be shoved in them," or "Well, the next time we suspect a zombie apocalypse is near, we'll plan ahead." The rest of the dialogue was great. I especially loved, "I just pushed it down with my toes." I read that a few times. Though it was not dialogue heavy, it was well balanced with the character's narrative.
The details about the drain were cringe-worthy in a very good way. The light-hearted yet sarcastic comedic elements are used well and work well in counterpoint to the gore spewing up out of the tub and/or dripping off the dead husband.
Strong voice which allowed for good execution of the dialog. I especially liked how the customer clearly came across as being elderly through the word choices used to describer her husband's actions.
The back and forth between the Plumber and the Customer worked really well. At no point did I have to jump back to figure out who was speaking. Great job.
*Hork* The paragraph about pulling the snake out makes me want to hurl.. Great description. I totally want to double over right there with him. Bleck. Love the ending as well.
Good voice. We get an idea of the plumber, a man who does his job, regardless, but perhaps is not so thrilled with it.
There's not a lot of dialog to discuss, but what's there is good. He is respectful enough but gets to the point. The only thing I might change is where he calls her Miss at the end. I would probably stick with ma'am as she's an older married woman.
WOW! Something I never would have thought of...A little slow to start but definitely ends with a bang.
Very distinctive voice. A little much on the explanation at the beginning.
I didn't see any problems with the dialogue. Maybe some action to show the lady's response as she's talking would be more illustrative of her demeanor as she's talking, like wringing her hands or having her cleaning obsessively...
I honestly loved this. It was completely nauseating. In a good way. I think there were a few shifts in tense. Should be "plumbing as we knew it?"
The voice is great. I think the first line is perfect. I think it would work better if it weren't a repeat of the title. I'd change the title rather than the first line.
There isn't much to comment on, but I thought it was fine. I didn't mind him calling the elderly woman "miss," but maybe a repeat of ma'am would be more consistent.
Funny. I love the punchline of the story. A few little things stick out as odd, though. - He calls her Miss? A blue-collar guy calling a "blue haired old lady" Miss? -Upon first read, I thought she'd somehow put all of her husband's body down the drain with her toes. I had to go back and re-read to understand it and while I get that bits of him are sloughing off, it's still a bit muddled. You could really play with this, the husband's condition and let the old lady talk more about what happens during shower time. You've already got some vivid description and ick factor; go for broke, man. - hyphenate "in-home"-"leave-ins" would be "leavings". contracted it would be "leavin's" but that almost looks possessive. -I know it's flash, but I'd love to see you expand this. I'd like more character information from our narrator and the old lady. -"Its brilliance was so simple, but the idea that would revolutionize the in home(sic) zombe phenomenon and plumbing as we know it." - ... it's clunky. Also, take out the "that" and the sentence now makes sense. Overall, I'd love to see more. More sensory description, more character, more interaction. But, as it stands, this is a good start and entertaining. Nice work. Thanks for sharing it with us!
A little flat and inconsistent. You've got a few contractions that I think are an attempt at blue-collar dialect, but it felt a bit forced and heavy-handed. You've also got the guy calling an octogenarian "miss" and using words like "viscera". A few tweaks here and there would tighten up your MC's authenticity.
There isn't much of it to go on, but what there is feels a bit forced at times. The old lady doesn't actually answer his question...until the last line, it's almost like they aren't actually talking to one another. I LOVE the "can you do that?" line, though. It's the most honest line in this piece and it's timing is great.
Cute story. The dialogue is good. But it's not scary enough to be considered horror, I laughed out loud at the end.
The voice is fine, you have some space to make the MC a little more bitter about his job as funny as it is during what could almost be considered an apocolypse of some form.
The story went by so fast I did not catch any issues. Everything worked fine.
I would have liked this to be something more substantial than flash, but I think this is a great concept.
Because this is from a first person perspective, some clarity was lost, especially when it came to what was actually in the drain. I had to go back and read to make sure it wasn't the entire husband who was pushed down the drain. I do like the voice, though.
The wife's voice just doesn't do it for me, but it might be because there is so little dialogue.
Well, first things first, I love the first line, and I love the title. However, I wouldn't have the title and the first line be one and the same. It's a little wonky. I say keep that sentence as the first line and change the title.It's definitely a hilarious little story, with nifty little details and imagery. I'm not a big zombie fan myself, but I think this was executed well. The only criticism I really have is that there doesn't seem to be an element of imminent danger for the protagonist. The only difficulty he is facing involves the disgusting and awkward situation. It would be more exciting, to say the least, if the zombie was not restrained, or at least there was a danger of him breaking free.
I LOVE the little bits of disgusting detail here and there, strewn about. I personally have a little phobia of drains and this just struck a chord with me.
There isn't much dialogue, but what's there is fine.
I was completely entertained by this short. Just enought chunky stuff to keep the rawness, and a nice chuckle to boot.More please.
Felt consistent and moved along nicely. I didn't feel any bumps drawing my attention away from your story.
Felt plausable. I did feel the need to go back and reread any of the sections to try to hash out the dialogue.
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