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Marley has been a Protectorate retriever for a several lifetimes. He's a burned out spy with a short fuze looking for something, anything to inspire him to transition to his next scheduled body. Enter Arwen Volkov, a reclaimed materials artist living her first lifetime with passion and joy. As Marley falls for the shining woman with beautiful hands, he starts to suspect that she's involved in a devious criminal underworld. Has he just discovered the mastermind behind a plot to assassinate the PacRim Six within the hallowed inner ring of San Francisco Metro, or has a lifetime of living among the sinners of the world left him too jaded for love? BROKEN IN is a cyberpunk novel in the works.
Thanks to all who commented on the first draft of the first chapter. I've changed my starting place in this story, backing up a bit. The new first chapter, all original material, is around 1,500 words. Looking forward to hearing from you - thanks in advance for your time.
Some real descriptive gems here: the mercury acorn was mentioned by another reader, but I quite liked “dat-cloud” as well. On the other hand, I’ve never heard anyone say “effluvium billowing” – neat picture, but takes most readers right out of the story. This scene certainly had a 40’s noir feel to it which I enjoyed. I would really like to read more in order to give more in-depth feedback.
Not long enough to get a feel for the plot. I am sure a good deal will unfold with the next chapter.
Don't know if it is good or bad, but the action claimed my attention more than where he was. There was enough setting in there to convey claustrophobia, disorientation and discomfort. Truth be told, I was busy watching the shoot 'em up [which was pretty good].
A little wordy in places. Good descriptions. Liked the vocabulary.
I followed along easily enough, learned a bit about the character and the world he lives in. I would read more of it.
Great! Totally my sort of thing. You really nailed it.
My first impression, going by the opening paragraph was that the story would be first person...'by the time you sublimated'....then moving into the paragraph about Marley, it threw me a little. Interesting story...could use a little more to get a better idea, though.
There's definitely enough here to keep me reading. The 'tech' parts aren't dry and boring, bogging down the story, which I love.
I liked it...need a little more to get a better feel for it overall. I'd love to read more.
At 5%, you have a para which starts, "Marley swung..."I suggest that you interpolate a little dialog between this para and its predecessor. As it is, it strikes me as too much exposition - not too much, but too much at once.At 20%, I like the tension. The hunt is on!I like "whisper-thin" and "mercury acorn"!At 51%, I'd cut the phrase, "... he'd earned breaking out of the labs."I like the voice of NanoAid.
Great, what there is of it. I want more!What you've written is a great action scene and a fine beginning.Two stars only because it's so short!
I don't like it underground, so maybe that's the problem, but I could do with a whole lot more setting. I don't have a clear idea of the greaterworld around the action.
This rocks. Really. It gets going and keeps going: you barely (only once, I think) slow the forward progress of the narrative (as embodies in Marley) with any exposition, and that's just a quick digression (the bit about the skein's graphics). I love the split-body idea, the names (HadeTech...it's fun. Keep going.
Just once chapter to go on, but this has excellent hallmarks.
Also, great. Perhaps it might take a tiny bit more description--give us that sense of claustrophobia that Marley must be feeling? But not overmuch, because the action of the narrative is strong and good as it is...
Great read. The style reminds me the likes of Chris Moriarty, terse yet subtly detailed. I only found the setting a little hard to understand. I had trouble understanding where precisely the action was going on, but maybe it's deliberate. I'd have tried to make the reader "see" more to make him/her able where the character was.
Too early to say anything significant, but what's to understand in these first chapters looks quite good.
Thing is, as I said before, the setting is not terribly clear. The final lines hint at something like opposed mega-corporations, and I think it's really a great way to introduce the matter, very old-style yet perfectly executed.
Definitely has shades of Gibson - with the tech-talk and the possible presence of an evil corporation/government. I would suggest replacing the 1st paragraph with the 2nd - throwing the reader into the action and leaving them to wonder "What's going on?! Who is this?!"I am a bit confused as to whether he's breaking in or breaking out, however. While another part of me questions if he's breaking in then breaking out?
It seems to be stirring up to be a read about a thief who is undoubtedly going to get into a situation far over his head, but that's the best kind of situation. It's difficult with only one chapter, but the potential is definitely there to lead Marley through trials and tribulations.
This is where I was a bit confused. It seems that he is underground and is attempting to escape up an elevator shaft of some sort, yet then he is drilling through a safe, or such, in order to steal a venom. It was unclear to me whether or not he was attempting to break out of the underground because he has been captured in there, or because he was stealing something from the underground.
The prose is a little unpolished, but lovely. Only a few places I sense you’re using too many words, such as: "... it was time to go back up. And then that induced panic. All those memories of..." I would shorten to "…it was time to return to the surface. Panic, the memories of light and space..." I love the game tech environment, the rich detail you give to it, which describes the character somewhat, in lieu of a character sketch. Perhaps it isn’t needed for this forgotten soul underground?
The plot is fairly simple. This could be a whole world, like Ghost in the Shell, but in a single chapter? You’ve established a lot of things to build from – let’s see.
The setting is definitely the strong point. Your prose is dense and well formed, with many textures and cues. The only thing that strikes me is the polish, the editing, culling, forming until the flow is perfected.
This is an interesting read! You do a great job of describing the actions Marley takes in particular. It’s very smooth and visceral in that respect. I actually think you should open with the second paragraph here though--the action itself--and then explain the underground bit. You can weave it in quite nicely in this scene and it would be a much more compelling opening. The reader would then wonder why he’s sweating and swallowing compulsively--s/he is going to want to know what he’s panicking about. Let the reader wonder that for a moment before you tell them. Starting off with something more tangible will also help ground the reader in this world you are introducing. I don’t feel like I know much about Marley--and I really want to! The line where he’s thinking “Thank you, Had Tech, for your infinite paranoia.” really jumped out at me as a great example of his sense of humor. I hadn’t really even realized that I had barely been introduced to him until that moment. I’d love to see more things like this scattered throughout these pages, bits and pieces of his personality for us to start piecing together.
I think you have a solid premise here--it's got room for loads of conflict and you can take it in many directions.You’ve done a good job of dropping little seeds as you go to indicate to the reader what is going on. I actually would’ve liked a couple bigger seeds though. The first read through I wasn’t entirely sure I knew what was going on, so I had to go back and re-read. That’s when I really recognized all the nuggets of info you included.I’m confused by why he needs to use the instructional packet to fulfill his mission. I had the impression this was something he’s done before. If he’s supposed to be a professional, this scene doesn’t make a lot of sense to me without knowing exactly what his mission is and what kind of missions he’s done before. It’s not till about halfway though the chapter that we find out he’s a “spy and saboteur,” though. I wish I had known sooner--it would’ve provided me with a better understanding of what was happening and its purpose.
You’ve obviously drawn up a really interesting and complex world here. The concept of living in the extremes of underground of up above is intriguing. I don’t feel like enough of the world is hitting the page though. Granted, these are early pages, but I want to feel like I at least understand what I’ve been shown so far. As I said earlier, you do really well with active description--try infusing some of that clarify and simplification into the world building. It will help explain to the reader where they are and why.
First of all this is well written, it seems great care has gone into developing a clear narrative, and their are wonderful images.My challenge with this story was that before I could get into who the characters are, there is all this description going on, and because there are these words and terms I've never heard before I am stopped, or thrown of the scent of the story. Which is dissapointing because I like it. And not to say I didn't thoroughly enjoy the descriptions, only that on some of them I had not even a clue as to what you were referring. I would suggest, finally, if you are going to have a paragraph where you are going to describe a technical aspect of your world, let the first sentence of the paragraph be one where you flex your narrative wings and tell us what is going on. Like "for a hundred years these folks all lived underground, now this guy wants a change"
Tried as I might, there was nothing I could identify as a plot, mostly it seems like one description of an action after the next... Oh, wait he's trying to steal venom?
The setting to me was interesting and rich, but you should focus far more on your characters and why we should care about them...
You open with a killer voice. Really draws in because you provide a narrator so sure about his world. Almost wonder if you should tell the whole story in the 1st person.Loved the line about information sat in his head like mercury acorn.Interesting transition to let a computer program perform the actions for our hero because the amounts of data are too enormous for him to consciously act upon.The notion of his “source” holding not only information but chemical morsels for him is fantastic.Not sure why he would need decompression for living underground? Would they live under much higher air pressure? Maybe if it was really, really deep down.Enjoyed how you first told us Marley get shot, “lucky man that he was, caught a couple” Loved the line legs lay like discard rope beneath him.Want to know the story of his burned hand! Drop a clue. How did it happen? Was he mad at someone over burning his hand, or has he lived so long with it that it doesn’t emotionally register? Try to weave in more back story about that.Medicated air! Fantastic stuff.That last line is perfectly hard-bitten, and strangely relatable to today’s world. I hope in the rest of the story you incorporate more of that kind of satirical kind of humor.I have to say, personally I never really cared to read cyberpunk. As a genre of fiction, too often for me it has felt like reading people’s resumes with meaningless word strings like “processed, implemented, compiled” that didn’t excite me (or make me want to hire anyone). I have to say you largely avoided that pitfall. Good job.
Marley has a clear need. Get his job done or the Commander would deprive him of his link or turn him over the evil corporation.Would want to read more, but would also want more about him. What is his overarching goal?
The setting in the beginning seems clearer with the elevator cage and the 100 story building. Toward the end I was a bit confused because he seemed to be in a complex mechanical corridor with inflated walls and pneumatic tubes, if I read correctly.
Really like this piece and would definitely read on.Nearly everything is defined by active character action which is great.My only slight criticism would be my confusion tech-wise when he hooks up to the Cloud (hope I've got that right!) but this may just be a style point that the reader becomes accustomed to with further reading.Reminded me of Gibson when reading through - good job!
Moves along very well with a punchy start. I'm not sure where you started the story before (as per your author note) but I would argue this a great place to begin: right into the action.Cyberpunk industrial espionage them and some great action writing has set the plot up very well for the coming chapters.
Good setting and specifically great description when Marley crawls into the Nano Aid machine i.e. 'choked on the endorphin grease' - quality.My only qualm was I didn't really get a sense of where he was underground, you mention labs but all I really get a sense of him is standing in a non-descript corridor.Hope that all helps and would love to see more!
Great start. I know at least a bit of the character, I know what's going on and at least partially why, I can see where there will be more conflict in the future, and I want to see more. Not much more you can ask of a first chapter.Great writing. Great ending, too.
Hard to say too much about plot when it's just a first chapter, but I like what's here. Clearly a promise of more to come -- I just hope it's not as straight-forward as a tech heist. Better be some shady motives and double-crossings ;)If his body was Protectorate Limited Worldwide, how did he get a job with or get into HadeTech in the first place? Wouldn't that have raised some questions?
Love your world. I'm impressed that you can bring it so alive in such a small space--I've seen many writers that struggle with that.One question -- if the character can have that net that controls his body to do the programming, why could there not be similar nets for something like survival and combat? Why would you need skilled spies at all, rather than dopes whose brains you can program? This could be something interesting to explore in the story, certainly.
Your narrative voice is quite good for the genre; there's a very cyberpunk mood in the language you've chosen to employ. With that said, it is also what we've come to expect from dystopian sci-fi--tough characters of the hardboiled streetwise variety-- consider, if you will, surprising us by defeating our expectations. You're not that far into the narrative; what if the protagonist ISN'T a life-weary cop? could you think of another background for him that would still suit your narrative needs? This may not work at all for what you have planned, but I'm just trying to keep the novel in novels. There are a number of syntactical errors that you must hunt down, however; disagreements of pronouns, unclear speaker transitions, etc.
So far, so good; I'm interested in why the metal-sorter's hands are so beguiling to Marley.
As I said, it's good stuff for cyberpunk--but it's also what we have come to expect. Surprise us! Give us something really new or put a twist into the old.
I like what you have so far. I only saw one thing that bugged me. Almost he laughed when he gets to the Ikura house. Just does not sound right.
Nice start for the plot. Curious as to why he is lookging for those hands. Hopefully it is revealed shortly.
Obviously future. Hard to tell how far but I do not think that really matters in this case.
The beginning is well written but a little hard to follow. A lot of terms are used but not completely explained. A person who is familiar with sci fi will have a general understanding of terms like "Smart eye" but some more explanation of what these very interesting concepts are would lend your work strength.<br>
I am unsure where you are going but I do enjoy the film noir- blade runner style you are going for. You have a lot of very good description but it isn't a substitute for plot development.
While I'm never quite sure where the character is in a GPS sense, your descriptions paint a picture of where the character is. The club at the beginning has very tangible feel as a reader you feel the shadyness of such a place. i would say this is your strongest feature.
I apologize up front that I find this review interface clunky and hard to manage. I could do much better if it were more user friendly.I feel you probably didn't start in the best place for this story. I have no problem with setting up characters and setting without a lot of intense conflict immediately, but I do think that in this case you need to help us become more sympathetic to the MC early on, and I never felt that way with Marley.You have the voice and writing chops down well, IMO, and most dialogue seemed pretty good with some rare quirks. For instance, it didn't sound right when she said, "...size up a man's wealth in a little under a minute." That seems awfully slow. I would think '...wealth in seconds.' would be more believable.You did exposition really well at times and then not so well in others. When it flowed from what I truly expected the MC's thoughts were at that moment, then it worked great. But there were times when you told us things that I didn't really believe the MC was actually thinking at the moment. I do assume you are using close 3rd. If it is meant to be otherwise, then I didn't get that impression.I worry about you starting with someone other than the MC. In that first paragraph I assumed the initial speaker was the MC, wondered why the MC was thinking about her own looks, then had to switch gears as I realized it wasn't actually the MC.You have a tough job with needing to casually impart info about futuristic technology in a manner that seems believable as something the MC would be thinking, yet also does manage to convey enough to the reader. I felt that latter part was a bit lacking, as I felt confused at times. It's too early to really ding you for that, because I'm fine with learning about most things later; it's just that there is a fine line to walk about getting us what we really do need to comprehend.Don't worry about the three star rating, as it only reflects the fact that there isn't enough to go on yet. I could easily see improving it with more to go on, especially if you can make that first chapter and MC more compelling.
I'm absolutely fine with not knowing where the plot is going early in this type of story. I can really get into such novels, but I do need to have the characters resonate with me more.
I felt it could have started in a better place perhaps. It's hard for me to pinpoint why exactly I wasn't fully taken in by the first chapter. I tend to like such settings, but perhaps it works better as a later chapter. I wish I could be more helpful on this part, but I wasn't gripped by the characters or setting in the way I might have been if I knew them better.
you make a few mistakes such as repetition of words at 30% and the occasional spelling mistake, but all in all a decent proposition, it kept me reading until the end.
an interesting plot, rather slow in its pacing, it reminded me a lot of bladerunner.
Nice variety of locales, you go from chinese themes to industrial with an apparent ease. The sexiness is good, but never over the top.
Interesting characters, very intriguing MC especially. Like the names, story was starting to get interesting. I would have liked more world building, but I'll go into that more with setting. The end of the chapter felt unfinished, like it was an odd spot to stop.
I don't think I really got enough out of one chapter to put in something decent on the plot.
There was hints of world builing - the enhancements and talk of Mars, but I found myself wanting more background on how things got to this point. It doesn't have to be through info dumping. I really wanted more here on how things came to be this way - but maybe that's something you have planned for upcoming chapters.
I enjoyed this overall, well done. Thought the atmosphere was little too much like altered carbon which could be an issue when trying to get an agent. Description of Bev a bit "tacky" as an opening paragraph
Good, want to see where it goes. Jump from him looking at Bev's hands then running out was very sharp, maybe give him a few seconds to consider? He just jumps up then leaves, had to read the paragraph a few times to follow.
As mentioned before, very Alt. carbon so far but maybe as book developes it will catch its own style.
I really like the story's voice. It's strong, if a little rough around the edges. That's what drew me in, even if the beginning is a little abrupt. I liked Marley as a protagonist, but at times I wanted more in depth description about his job and the politics that come with it.
It's a bit hard to know where the story is going with just a few thousand words, but I'm interested in where you're taking it.
The setting is pretty vivid in some areas, but those moments tend to be like at the club. You give us details only the places Marley is walking through and not the rest of the world he's living in. I really wanted more of that.
This has a William Gibson-lite feel to it, which appeals to me. A bit of noir mixed with cyberpunk. I'm not an expert on either genre, but I liked your rather colorful prose, and wasn't bogged down by too much technical exposition.Marley is a bit of a bland character. I'm drawing on my memory of archetypes to fill in the blanks, like Blade Runner or Chandler stories. I'm hoping he gets fleshed out more when you add other chapters. Arwen is better, but only because she's a little more of a mystery.
Don't have a feel for the plot here. So far it seems like Marley is tired of artificiality in both himself and people like Bev, so he went looking for an real, honest woman like Arwen to chat up. Nothing really compelling. I'm guessing the conversation with Kaz will feature more later.
I'm confused a bit about the setting, whether it takes place on Earth or some other planet, but honestly that's not terribly important to me. The setting itself has its own character, like the docks and the club. It's more intimate than grandiose and it works for this story so far.
I'm interested, but not sucked in. Part of that is probably that I'm not drawn to Marley as a character. Arwen interests me more.
It's a little hard to judge plot from the little I read, but I'm interested. It could be going all sorts of interesting places.
I think the setting is well-drawn. It's a matter of personal taste that I don't care for it, so it doesn't pull me in.
I'm intrigued by this. It's raw, which works for the genre, and has hard edges. It's drawn me into the world, and Marley is a fantastic character.There's some definite need for copyediting, but that's to be expected since this is a first draft. Dialogue is good, believable, and fresh. The only character I couldn't get a handle on was Bev. I kept thinking that maybe she was an android or something, but then it's made clear that she's not. So she'd be the one I'd work on more.The first scene was confusing to me. I understood what Marley was doing, but everything else was kind of a blur. I'm also not crazy about the opening. The prose itself is fine, but I feel like it dives in just a little bit too quickly, while at the same time there's no much happening right at that moment.
There's not a whole lot to go on with only 3600 words, but so far it seems good. Things are progressing, and there's a lot of potential. I can't help but wonder what's going to happen between Marley and Arwen, and I'd definitely keep reading if there was more material here.
The setting, especially in the first scene, is the biggest weakness at the moment. Not that it's necessarily the setting itself, but the way it's described. I can't get a handle on exactly what it's supposed to be. I get that it's hot and humid, but other than that I'm left confused. It gets better after the first scene.
You've got a lot of detail in here, but it feels kinda disjointed to me and I don't know how it's all supposed to hold together. Kinda wish I could go line by line and explain better, but this system won't let me write in your text..
Why did Marley suddenly want to find Arwen? I have no idea.
Your narration will get rolling pretty well and then throw in some detail or factoid that just doesn't make sense to me. It's confusing and keeps throwing me out of the story.
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