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Newlyweds share a strange breakfast in bed.
This is another flash piece I did based on a visual prompt. The picture was of the exterior of an old hotel under a mass of churning clouds. This was my submission. I know flash can be difficult to review as it's so short, but right now, I'm trying to focus on honing my short program, so any feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading.
Wow. Totally not expecting the vampires. That threw me for a loop.
Nice and fast paced. I didn't get bored waiting for the next part.
Nice and descriptive. I felt like I was in the room.
I like how it transitioned from her thoughts to dialogue explaining a what would seemly be a happy senario to a dark twisted story. My only complaint is its too short and don't know where the story can go from here.
It was quick and I like that in short story and reads but again where would the story go from here to make it a longer version and keep it interesting?
It was a good setting but again it was a really short story. Believable.
Years ago, I wrote a lot of Flash Fiction so I know how hard it is. As usual, your style is engaging and immediately brings me into the story. My only negative was, I felt making it seem like she was on her honeymoon was a bit of a cheat. I would rather have seen her lamenting about so many broken marriages and unhappiness and then George convincing her to come back to bed. Then we see that she's happy because she's saved the couple from all of this. It's still weird that way and even creepier, in my opinion. But still, good job. I always enjoy your writing.
I don't see how the pacing could be better. I think for a Flash Fiction piece it's paced perfectly.
I think the choice of setting fit the story well. Your descriptions were vivid and not to much or too little.
The fact that this flash fiction piece derives from a visual is somewhat astounding and displays a tremendous imagination executed with careful creativity. With a steady pace and interesting characters - far from who you think they are - I found myself clicking through the pages within a matter of minutes, which is ideal for flash fiction. Without a detailed setting, I found myself unsure of the characters whereabouts, but the overall story was interesting. Consider this a vignette style flash fiction rather than one with an obvious plot.
Nice pace. There are few spots around the reveal where I had to re-read, but overall story maintains a steady piece, as though written with music rather than words.
I'm didn't find myself too involved with the setting. Outside of the stormy weather, I wasn't sure that I was anywhere unique. Of course, this is okay since the story doesn't rely too much on the setting. It's a honeymoon somewhere nice during poor weather, or is it?
Compelling story. The transition from happy couple to cannibals is a bit murky, which may have been your goal. I had to read that part twice. The note about the yellowed teeth is a nice touch that lets the reader take another look at George.
Except for the stumble i experienced during the transition, the pacing was very good.
The setting was inviting, even after the truth comes out.
I thought it was good how we were half way through the story before we realized the dead bodies were part of breakfast. Plot is believable in context of story.Description continues to be balanced.
Pacing is good. Good balance between dialogue and narrative. Dialogue is believable.
I thought the setting for the story was perfect and well described.
My first thought was WOW! It's an in your face, blatant disregard for life and the potential of traditional marriage, instead overshadowed by perceived mercy and mild eroticism. I never thought I'd grow accustomed to the familiarity of horror fiction.
It was well suited for flash fiction. It didn't feel as if any part of the story was missing when the point was to portray the morbidity of their actions as those expected from newlyweds.
I can't say that it painted a clear picture of what you used for inspiration, if that was even a goal. But it certainly hinted at the fact that their pleasure was restricted to all the internal comforts of the room.
Cool surprise of I'm guessing vampires, with all the different beasties running around in literature these days I can hardly keep up. I liked this although I could not tell what they were. The writing was good otherwise. Descriptive and lovely.
Good pacing all the way through. Short, sweet and to the point.
Interesting that you would use a bridal suite. I like usage of the bed as a dinner table as well.
A nice, quick, brutal but funny story that hearkens back to old tongue in cheek anthology horror.
Quick and to the point. Sure, some of the dialogue was flowery, but that was the point and it wasn't too long before there was some gore to even it all out.
The setting of the story was the funniest part of the story.
The story is weird and beautiful. My only complaint is that the two lovers are too dramatic and cartoonish near the end. I was reminded of The Addams Family. It would be interesting if they used more modern phrases and interactions.
The story is in two parts. The first, where we don't know what's going on. The second, where things get crazy. The transition could be better. It starts off sounding metaphorical or or non-human. It would be more shocking if it was clear from the first bite.
It isn't clear where George gets the "morsel" from. All of sudden Ana is eating and I don't know where the stuff came from. It's a little unclear. Other than that, the setting is well-done.
Heh. Ew. Great twist. I enjoyed it. Since I have nothing overarching to complain about, I'll share my tiny nit-picks, and a few ideas that are really just my own fancies. In the beginning, you mention that George pats the vacant space beside him. Although I realize you mean the OTHER side of him, it still seems a little like cheating, since beside him are in fact two corpses. Could you make the "bowl" more obviously, in retrospect, a skull? Perhaps, chalky white? I guess what I would like to see are more hints that, while viewed innocently, mean nothing, but from hindsight are totally meaningful. What about rodents or other prey-animals scurrying towards their dens, instead of ants? I don't know, but stuff like that.And, is this really THEIR honeymoon? or just their BREAKFAST'S honeymoon? Because you could get rid of the pronoun: "our" first day as husband and wife and make it "a" first day... etc. Then it would really mislead the reader.Last tiny nit: George's teeth should be delightfully golden, instead of nasty yellow, since it's from her POV, shouldn't they?
Fine. Just on the edge of oh-come-on-do-i-really-want-a-gushy-kiss-and-feed-each-other-scene then...YUCK!
Can't find anything to complain about here either, sorry. Fancy hotel room/miserable day is perfect. (want to have a thunder crash? great cliche!)Liked the description of the bed, sheets, bride and deliciousness.
Excellent flash fiction. If I picked out one thing to change, I'd like for the scene of eating the couple not to have already been given way by the reference to the housekeeping and 'we could have something warm.' Might be possible to change this along the lines of 'we could have a threesome' and then flow into the dinner scene with something like 'I think these two are enough, besides they look so perfect, as if they came from the top of a cake...' Might just be a pet peeve, but I don't consider "pouted" as being how someone would say something. Rather, it is a facial expression. I'd make it a sentence on its own. Overall, strong writing and a good scene.
The pacing was just right for flash fiction. There was no wasted writing and it didn't seem rushed at all.
I like the description of out the window, but it would be nice to have a little bit more on the room itself. It's hard to balance between too much description and just right.
Cute, yet creepy, which is how I like stories like this to be. Though I'm not sure what George and Ana are supposed to be... Vampires? Or some other form of immortal horror that gains life through the death of something else?
I think the reveal of the dead bodies came almost a little too soon. Which is hard to gauge in a piece this short, of course... but it seems like it would have more punch closer to the end.
The fancy hotel room is set just fine. You do plenty with little details. Fun!
Whoa there with the funny! Go you! Careful with the adverbs, a touch lighter with the beginning description, and voila! Hones.
Very nice. I've got a mental line graph going on where the twists are, and it looks nice and balanced. Enviable; I've never mastered flash.
A few worn phrases at the beginning, as I mentioned, but some really nice details after that.
i think you have a great style and voice as a narrator and the surprise was delivered well and with a good 'ewwww' factor. here's my issue with the story and i feel like i sound like a really annoying high school poetry teacher, but i'm not sure what you're trying to say with this story. if it's the idea that the newlydeads (great!) will never suffer unhappiness as a couple, or that ana and george take on their happiness or what, i'm not really feeling it. i'd like a clearer statement about this couple for this to be a great stand alone piece.also i think you need to distinguish them from vampires or make it clear that that's what they are.
just fine. can't really complain about any of it.
again, you did a great job establishing time and place to the extent necessary and possibly in flash fiction. and the gory details are quite gory. eww... :)
You certainly know your way around the words and how to build a story, make your characters distinct, etc. You also know how to shock a girl! I was not expecting the cannibalism, that's for sure LOL In fact, I think I was a little TOO surprised. The tone of the piece doesn't quite fit with the action, which makes it difficult for me as the reader to reconcile. This time, though, I think you rely a little too heavily on description. The first paragraph is chock-full of it and it's keeping your reader from really diving into the story. You use some wonderful turns of phrase but do so sparingly. Especially in the case of, ya know, brain eating :-p I'm also a bit unsure how we're supposed to view Ana and George. Are they your protagonists? Your villians? I'm not sure what you want the reader to feel about them. Currently, they're coming off as unsympathetic, so I'm not sure they can pull off being protagonists as it is written now.
The pacing here is pretty solid. Like I said, some description bogs you down at points, but for the most part, it's a smooth and quick read.
I didn't really get much about the setting from this piece. Only the first paragraph that describes Ana looking out the window and the mention of the honeymoon suite really grounds us and lets us know where we are. It doesn't seem like a significant aspect of this flash fic piece.
Look closely for some typographical issues, and re-consider some awkward word choices 'slip into happiness' doesn't work for me, even though the image you're trying to evoke really does. I think the dialog is also a bit on-the-nose. If it's intentionally cheesy, we need to know as readers that you as the author or they as the speakers *know* it's cheesy.
I really really like the way that the horror unfolds here. I think it might be cool to get one hint earlier on that maybe something is a bit different, something we could interpret one way the first time through and go 'aha!' on a second read.
The setting is pretty spares and bare, and mostly that works for you. However, on one hand you mention empty space beside George, but on the other hand you've got four people on the bed, the two monsters and the two corspes. Would there really be space? Maybe if you mention a King bed or something about its size.
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